COB

It would be so gratifying to see Kenny Anderson at the HOF induction. I’d love it.

It’s turning into sort of a Battle of the Network Stars except with world class athletes on PEDs.

Mike wouldn’t like that song. Too modern. He likes music from back in his day. Picture a guy in a cave rhythmically pounding two rocks together.

Why isn’t Browning in the Pro Bowl? Make it all bengals 2025 QBs.

I just got back from the premier of “Melania”. In case you haven’t heard, it’s an insightful look into one of the greatest people of the modern age, Melania Trump. It is inspiring, and will win several Academy Awards. I was so inspired I’ve begun writing fan fiction based on the Melania movie. In my fan fiction, things take a turn for the worse after her husband dies in office. She remarries, to Trump’s oldest son. Unfortunately he turns out to be gay, and a long divorce battle ensues. Melania isn’t too bright, and she comes out of the divorce with almost nothing. Penniless, she takes a job working at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Lawrenceburg, Indiana. One day some old miser is in there insisting on using 7 expired coupons that will add up to a free 3 piece extra crispy meal. She tells him no way. The coupons are expired and you can’t use more than one at a time. The old geezer gets super pissed and threatens to call ICE. Poor Melania doesn’t know what to do so she takes the old guy into the back room where they store all the chicken frying supplies and fucks him. Well, Lawrenceburg is right across the border from Cincinnati, and the old guy turns out to be none other than Mike Brown, noted cheapskate and failed owner of the Cincinnati Bengals. They fall in love and there is a super touching scene where she asks him, is there anything you want to know about me? And he says yes how did you end up here in Lawrenceburg working at Kentucky Fried Chicken? She tells this super long sad story of being poor in Albania or wherever it was, and having to use the only thing she had, her looks, to survive. Trump was mean to her, blah blah blah. By the end they are both crying. Then he asks her, is there anything you want to know about me? And she says yes, how is it possible for you to have this many liver spits on your skin? He says “I don’t know.” The happy couple wants to marry, but Mike determines he will lose the deposit on the discount embalming service he pre-purchased for his wife, so they decide to wait for the old lady to die. In the meantime, Mike is galavanting all over town with Melania on his arm. They go to his favorite Aldi in Blue Ash, his favorite habitat for humanity used furniture store in Mason (he buys Melania a used lamp and they get a used bannister for free), and finally Mike gets a bag of onions and 3 cans of Pringles at the food pantry at the Cincinnati Center For The Blind And Visually Impaired where none of the workers recognize Mike because they’re all blind. Finally, the old lady dies, and Mike marries Melania. They have a happy life as Mike continues to destroy the Bengals franchise with his stunning incompetence. Decades pass. Melania is now in her 90s. We go to a heavy sex scene where Mike makes her dress up in her old KFC uniform and he doinks her on the floor in the garage. She thinks she might have broken her hip so they call an ambulance. While they’re waiting Melania says, “I’m almost a hundred years old, which must make you over 130. What are you?” Mike then admits that he is immortal. He tells a funny story about killing a guy in the Civil War, and admits he was there when Jesus was crucified, but claims he had nothing to do with it, he was just a bystander. He then explains that his sole purpose now was to inflict as much pain on Bengal fans as possible. Melania asks why that was his purpose, and Mike said, “no reason.” The story ends with Melania getting out of the hospital after having her hip fixed. Mike is driving her home past the stadium and a bunch of fans are having a demonstration, waving signs that say, “Sell The Team,” “Mike Brown Sucks,” and “Our Owner Is An Unholy Immortal Controlled By Satan!”. Mike laughs, then says, “I wonder if your KFC uniform will fit over that brace.”

I’m looking forward to seeing how it plays out for Trey. So much so that I put “nfl teams that need edge rushers the most” into safari. The first team AI came up with, in an obvious (but unsuccessful) attempt to troll me, was Cincy. But on our level also were the Lions and the Cowboys. Then a second level of teams needing edge help included the Eagle, Bills, Saints, and Chargers. I can’t guess if he’ll eclipse the 32 million a year we offered him, but it is my fervent hope that the Cowboys sign him so he then gets to deal with Jerra, who is basically Mike with Ozempic and a better haircut.

Thats actually very impressive. Better than 99.9% of 56 year old men, I guarantee you that.

It appears you aren’t familiar with P.H.A.T. It’ll make you a believer!

So great that Jim Schwartz is leaving the Browns. He’s a great defensive coach and not having to face him twice a year is a big plus for us.

Kim Wood. Mike loved him. And based on that article, a lot of players loved him. I know it is bad form to criticize the recently deceased, so I won’t criticize Kim Wood, I’ll just spit straight facts! Kim Wood oversaw the strength program of an NFL franchise that historically, year after year, just wasn’t strong enough. The Bengals were overmatched physically during this dude’s tenure, and it never changed. And I know why. In no way am I an expert on weight training, but I’ve been lifting weights since I was 12. In that time I’ve read numerous books and tried various methods and protocols. (Currently back to doing 3 sets of ten reps on compound lifts, also still doing 5x5 when I’m feeling particularly good). In the mid to late 80s I came across a book that promoted the one set to failure concept. The claim was that instead of 3-6 sets of a lift (conventional wisdom) all you needed to build strength and muscle was one set, done to failure. Kim Wood was quoted extensively, and he stated that he had implemented this protocol with the Cincinnati Bengals and it worked great. There were pictures of bengals players working out, and as I recall most were on Wood’s Hammer Strength machines. The logic, as explained in the book, was that muscle growth is a result of microscopic tears in muscle fibers that occur from heavy stress on said muscle. Woods logic was that it is provable that one set to failure (he recommended ten reps, failing on tenth rep) caused said microscopic tears, so that’s all that was needed. The part about microscopic tears is true. Heavy lifting causes micro tears. But the one set thing? Absolutely ridiculous, and a monumental failure. I tried it for a couple months. The time and effort savings appealed to me. I didn’t get any stronger, I started regressing. The pump that you got from those one set workouts was a joke compared to a normal workout. Kim Wood was a great promoter. He was involved very early on with Nautilus machines. He saw the financial side of machines, and subsequently founded Hammer Strength, manufacturing and selling his machines. The Bengals went all in on his one set philosophy and his hammer strength machines. The results? I think we all remember our teams being labeled soft, watching our linemen get blown off the ball, and our teams just consistently losing the physical battle. And today? NFL weight rooms are filled with free weights, though some machines are included. The primary lifts, squats, deadlifts, arm work, all done with free weights. The one set to failure concept is, to the best of my knowledge, completely debunked and not followed by anyone. To play in the nfl you need mass, you need weight. No one is putting on any appreciable muscle doing one set. Kim Wood may be a great guy who was beloved by his employers and his pupils. But he was, by any objective assessment, a complete bust as a strength coach. And now you know… the rest of the story!

Bellichek gets stiff armed by the hall of fame, they didn’t put him in on his first ballot. Complete rip off, but I guess there’s a bit of a popularity contest feel to that selection process.

Rooting for the Seahawks. I can’t recover from years of Bellicheat and Brady.

I’m not buying the “accidental” nature of this incident.

Seahawks-Patriots. Not optimal, but still better than Rams-Patriots. Now to ignore the SB hype for the next two weeks.

We got about a foot but it was very light, easy to shovel. Level 3 energency so not a lot going on.

Going to be a great day today. Level 3 snow emergency up here. Looking forward to watching these two championship games, and eating a lot of chili.

Since central Ohio seems to be preparing for a nuclear attack or a mass casualty event, been nice knowing you guys. If by some miracle I survive the impending disaster, aka, like 8 inches of snow, I’ll be back here to make fun of Mike.

https://apple.news/AW9Yq5dqETb6Hhcc49FDcUw

Mike’s annual interview or however often it used to be, always left me with one main impression: the people within the Bengals front office mainly feel contempt and scorn for fans like us. By that I mean fans who have an opinion about football operations. Katie’s “you don’t know how hard it is to run an nfl franchise” cemented it.

Bunker? More like a vault.

The whole front office just earned a couple weeks off.

I was shocked to read that CJ stood for Choke Job. It took a lot of courage for his parents to try to warn the various GMs of football teams.

The Bills job parallels the bengals job somewhat so it’ll be instructive to see who they get. A top level QB in his prime, owned by a family (though the Pegula family just took in some PE $$), small market. Very attractive job. One difference: they’ll likely be willing to pay serious cash for a good coach. Mike is at home designing a scheme to avoid paying the quarter for the cart rental at Aldi.

From the article. This should send shivers down the spine of every bengals fan: “Perkins earned early attention with the Tigers his first two seasons but appeared less impactful his final two. He was moved around on LSU's defense -- as both a rush end and an off-the-ball linebacker -- and wasn't always used the way NFL teams might deploy him. Galko believes Perkins can distinguish himself at the Shrine Bowl.”

3 out of the 4 games went to the team I wanted to lose. Patriots, Broncos, and Rams. The Seahawks vs Niners I didn’t care about. Was pulling for the Texans and the Bears. I’m a legitimate jinx at this point.