COB

I don’t know if any of you guys watched that Bears vs Patriots game last night, but I did and it was one of the most entertaining (non Bengal) nfl games I’ve watched in a long time. The offenses were converting 3rd and long, the defenses were blitzing like crazy, hard hitting, just a really fun game to watch.

What a strange coincidence that Tee consistently misses Baltimore games. Gave us a Jermaine Burton legacy game* last year! * no catches, no stats whatsoever

Memo From: Mike Brown To: Joe Mixon Joe, as your former employer, I welcome the opportunity to help you along in business. Let me be the first to welcome you to the sock game. You may not know the history of socks, it’s a complex and deeply fascinating story. One important facet of it is the untimely demise of the very underappreciated sock garter. Your socks probably use elastic to hold the sock up on the calf. This is a very misguided and wrong headed approach to proper sock functioning. The “elastic revolution” in sock design was one of the worst things to ever happen. For over a century men’s socks were held up by sock garters. These sock garters were truly the most outstanding accessory a gentleman could wear. I won’t go into detail, but I can tell you from personal experience that when a young lady would get a good glimpse of a well-made sock garter holding up the socks of an educated, cultured man, well, let’s just say that the gentleman was in for a bit of a rambunctious time (truss loosened, or sometimes even removed, in record time). The Ellastic Mafia, as I like to call them, has a chokehold on the sock industry. It has been this way for 60 years. I’m too old to change things. You’re young and have the energy and the ambition. My suggestion to you is to attack this industry with a three prong approach. First prong, you spearhead a class action lawsuit against socks that use elastic to hold themselves up. It should be a dead bang winner. Just take the average person - he’s driving his golf cart around a football practice field seven or eight hours a day, his calves are getting compressed too much by this uncomfortable and overly restrictive elastic sock. He ends up having a variety of health issues from this elastic over-constriction, including, but not limited to, extreme liver spotting on his bald head. There have to be tens of thousands of such cases, shouldn’t be a problem for you to win that case and have elastic socks done away with forever. I would file and prosecute this case myself, but my family has discouraged me from doing so. They think I’m just some dumb hick. They said that to me at a dinner. Prong two: at the same time you file the lawsuit, you start a new business manufacturing high-quality, long lasting, sock garters. My guess is you’ll have the market to yourself, I’ve searched far and wide, and there are very few if any sock garter manufacturers left. To help provide some insight, I have taken the liberty of buying you a 24 month subscription to a great periodical called Sock Garter Enthusiast. Once you read a few issues of this magazine, you’ll be up to speed on the cultural significance and all the health benefits of sock garters. Prong 3: finally, you’re probably wondering how you will finance all this. You won’t believe this, but building a sock garter factory and financing an anti-elastic class action lawsuit is not something you should take on yourself. This is a classic case where the taxpayers should pay for it. I’ve been through this exact type of thing and it shouldn’t be a problem to gin up some public support for sock garters once the public is exposed to the aesthetic and the civilized righteousness of sock garters. I know you live in Texas now. I suggest you set up a meeting with the local county commissioners. Explain how the factory you’re going to build can benefit the local community and demand that they pay for 1. the construction of the factory, 2. the ongoing maintenance of the factory, and 3. any improvements that you may decide are needed in the years to come. This is a tried and true method and it makes business so much easier. It’s hard for me to comprehend why more people haven’t pursued this public option to finance their endeavors. Joe, I was thrilled to see you have entered the sock game. Best of luck to you. Sincerely, Mike Brown

Best news I’ve heard all week. I’d love it if we get Huntley instead of Lamar.

I’m dressing up for Halloween as a surly teenager who works the Arby’s drive thru. When you guys come to my door prepare to be insulted and scoffed at when you demonstrate the slightest unfamiliarity with Arby’s ever-changing menu.

Yea that guy in Indy should have been gone after he brought Matt Ryan in for that horrible season. Or maybe when he couldn’t figure out how to build any sort of line to protect Andrew Luck. Dude struggled in that GM role.

Great move by Andy. He threw one pass for Philly and it was an egregious pick. They cut him (mild humiliation), then they self-immolate. They come crawling back, “please, Andy, please!” And being the absolute boss that he is, Andy’s like, “Nope, I’ll throw prime-time interceptions for someone who appreciates me!” Also, with Atlanta, Andy and his wife get a nice trip to Madrid in November so that may have played into it.

Browns vs Ravens being broadcast in central Ohio. Without Lamar the Ravens are approximately 50% as interesting to watch. I’m stop watching though as we obviously want the Browns to win this game. No Myles on the Browns side means the most entertaining, and probably best, players on both sides are not out there.

Stroud going off. He looks like he’s fully back, glad we got these guys early in the year.

Stroud getting it going over in London. Off topic but Louis Riddick is the color guy calling this game and he’s really good. He could easily replace one of the tired out top level color guys (Collinsworth, Aikman).

Damn, Texans defense over in London! They look good, just picked of Trevor Lawrence in the end zone. 1-4 Texans rise up!

I don’t know how into the buckeyes you guys are. But Ryan Day did not have a backup qb ready to play today and it almost cost us that lucky win at Indiana. Sayin truthfully looked horrible all day. He got thrown on his shoulder and we had to put in an unprepared true freshman. This kid was in complete panic mode and couldn’t run the offense. Horrible job by Ryan Day and he should send our OC, Arthur Smith, back to the Steelers where he came from (he sucked there too).

Stop quoting my ex-wife.

Volcom is right, they ran the ball better as the season wore on last year. In fact this team seems to do everything better later in the year, year after year. Unfortunately, Burrow’s pretty good at visiting IR the longer the year goes on. I shit talk Zac Taylor to strangers at the grocery store, but if we’re honest about it he does seem capable of fixing stuff in season. Unfortunately he’s a champion a creating stuff that needs fixing.

Ok I read that blurb. 2 points: 1. It is charitable of Pitcher to say the scheme fits Perine better than Brown. Brown does not currently have the burst he had last year, that’s obvious. His first step used to be amazing, dude was at full speed so fast that he’d blast through a little space and get five yards when there didn’t look like there was anything there. This year his runs look quite pedestrian, seems way easier to tackle. 2. Here is a little quote from that Pitcher blurb: “The Bengals spent a lot of time this offseason working on an under center run game to get Brown more explosives, “ Attention NFL Blabbing Industry: you do not have the authority to make “explosives” a noun in the manner in which you are misusing it. Explosive plays are not “explosives.” I am 64 years old and the English language cannot change or evolve from here on out. In fact, nothing can change from here on out, this world and everything in it must immediately freeze in place so I can spend the next 20 years falling asleep on my couch, secure in the familiarity and sameness that a static, unchanging, world provides. Then, if I’m startled awake (after drooling on said couch in my sleep) by a political ad that assures me the local farmer we sent to the House of Representatives will not only freeze everything in place, he’ll somehow transport us back to 1955 and stop all these public schools from sex changing everyone’s kids, I can drift off back to sleep, knowing full well that the nfl media ecosystem does not have the power to make up new words. As I slide under sleep’s dark and silent gate, I see a collie running across a field of wildflowers. Look, his family (nuclear, white) threw a stick for him! Ahhhhhh….