COB

I was really hoping we could add to the all-NFL cool name roster this year when I saw they signed Matthew McDoom. Alas, he didn’t show much last night and is likely gone.

Agree on Brooks. Doesn’t seem to have the burst he showed in college. In our offense you absolutely have to be a running back who can effectively block. If he’s good on teams and can block, that’s the only way he sticks.

Bimzelx- you’ll be back, but watch out for those suicidal thoughts and behavior!

Andy looks in control. Eagles clearly having fun and playing together.

Clifford has guys fall all over his legs and gets hurt. Requests a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts be delivered to the blue tent. Mike denies request and shows up with a bag of day old donuts from Kroger.

Vincent Van Dalton throws a touchdown. Jake Elliot rubs salt in the wound, makes the PAT.

Andy gets in a groove. The red rifle locks in, our depth guys are befuddled. Receivers getting wide open.

Sean Clifford throws a TD! He’s all smiles!

Cincy offense comes out, Sean Clifford quarterback! He played at X and Penn State. He throws one to Charlie Jones. Then we run a screen that doesn’t work. The announcers gloss Sean Ham Sandwich, mainly because he broke passing records at Penn State.

3rd quarter: we fumble the kickoff and Andy comes in for the Eagles. Andy can’t get it going so the kicker we drafted and Marvin cut kicks a field goal. Announcer very uncharitably notes that Andy is 1-6 in his last 7 starts.

Halftime - some golf highlights from Atlanta. CBS cop show ads. My pitch for a new CBS cop show. It’s called “Cops Kick Ass” and it’s an hour long show of just violent police brutality. Like beating the shit out of guys with nightsticks, going into the interrogation room at the cop headquarters and beating guys with phone books, torturing guys with pliers and forcing false confessions out of them, and, finally, each show ends with cops tazing random surly teenagers who just got off their shift at Arby’s where they mocked and laughed at older customers who couldn’t understand the new menu.

Halftime: Zac Taylor talks to the sideline babe. He says it’s bad that we kicked field goals instead of scoring touchdowns. Which is ironic because Zac Taylor is the human embodiment of kicking repeated field goals because you can never punch it in.

D series 5 - eagles cough it up, but a legion of bengals defenders can’t figure out how to fall on it. Reviewed, the white hat turns on his mic, flexes the guns, says no fumble (extra flex). Zac Taylor calls timeout, but to no avail, the Eagles kick a field goal.

2 minute warning - ads: 1. insurance 2. A flooring store 3. Subway 4. Bimzelx, a drug this guy on tv takes, he’s apparently capable of dealing with the possible suicidal thoughts! 5. NFL Sunday Ticket. 8 payments of $30 a month.

Offense series 4 - 3rd and 8, rookie Jacob Baer jumps offside but he is forgiven because he wears number 69. Then our RB Gary Brightwell fumbles and the eagles recover!

D series 4 - bunch of ads for shitty CBS cop shows. Contemplative Joe Burrow explains himself to the sideline babe. His new teeth look great on tv. Per Joe, coaching staff is great, QB 2 and 3 are great, new defense guys are great. Someone named Kimber for the bengals makes a great open field tackle and forces a punt.

Offense series 3 - Josh Johnson is dealing! Ross Tucker is asking guys for Johnson’s home address. Bengals cut squad can’t punch it in, money Mac kicks his 3rd FG of the game.

D series 3 - whole defense gets trucked backwards for a 16 yard run up the middle. As play continues, bengals defenders hit the wrong gaps and exhibit bad tackling. Tacario Davis makes a good open field tackle. Two plays later, Tacario Davis gets a pick. Ross Tucker, normally a harsh critic of the bengals, professes his admiration for Davis.

Offense series 2 - first, an ad for Keytruda, a drug for these old people in this ad, which is in black and white, and the drug can harm your unborn baby! Mitch Tinsley catches one for 31 yards! Money Mac kicks a 58 yarder!

D series 2 - Josh Newton makes a good pass breakup on 3rd and 11, forcing the Eagles to punt.

D series 1 - Tacario Davis makes a great play on the ball, breaks up a pass and is noted to be 6’3” with long arms. Offense series 1 - Dohnte Meyers converts a 3rd and 8, the announcers gloss him, and he promptly catches another one for like 15 yards, announcers keep glossing him, and he catches another for 25 yards, dude gets like 51 yards in one series.

The older Andy Dalton gets, the more he looks like Vincent Van Gough.

Whoops, Siriani is 5-0 in week 1 games.

Eagles 0-2 in the preseason.

Jimmy Haslam is, by every metric that matters, the worst owner in the NFL. But this whole Deshawn Watson thing has been brilliant. Why? Because all anyone can talk about is how this is the worst contract in NFL history, and how Deshawn Watson is a total scumbag and, oh yea, he also sucks at football. Question of the month: Will the Browns fans boo Watson off the field? We’ll shout at each other about it, coming up next on ESPN! No one ever mentions Jimmy Haslam. Dude’s running a psyop on the whole nfl community.