COB

I knew it! I just knew it. I have so many questions. First, when you said that to follow you I had to hate my mother, my father, and my life (“If anyone comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14:26) is just plain burning rage-filled hatred enough? I mean, I can probably swing that in regards to my parents. Hate my own life? Well, I am a long-time bengals fan.

Take a tight end in the third. If you spend a high pick on a TE he just ends up getting the living crap kicked out of him and is injured half the time. Tyler Eifert. Even Gronk, though a generational talent, was constantly hurt. That position wrecks guys. They should just keep getting guys who are looking for a prove it year. It’s working.

Please let this be a sign that they aren’t going TE in round one or two

Jesus will the draft ever get here? One of the worst things the NFL ever did was to move the draft so late in the spring.

Just read that some dude is paying $6 billion for the Washington Commanders. Mike should seriously consider selling the Bengals. Bezos wants in, $5 billion might be a possibility. I just think NFL teams may be at or near their peak value. The NFL is a business. The Bengals are a business. Businesses fail. Almost inevitably. Capital does not fail. Diversify that mountain of cash and it will in and of itself be a family business. Not as glamorous, not as interesting, but very profitable, stable, and it won’t have the lid on its growth that a single NFL franchise has.

A couple hours after he played in the 2021 Cheee-It Bowl Bryan Bresee texted me to see if I needed any help with my gutters. I was like, no I’m good.

I heard something like 15 million of it is guaranteed. Insane. Stupid.

Keep him at significant salary reduction, or engage the clause in his contract that says don’t do crime or else. We need a significant upgrade at Rb. In the old days we’d pretend Mixon’s legs weren’t shot. This isn’t the old days. It’s plainly evident - we need a better player.

From someone on Twitter named Warren Sharp (@sharpfootball): “the Bengals' high rates of 3+ WR sets forced defenses to play light boxes Mixon led the NFL in % of runs vs light boxes but of 41 RBs, he only ranked: 36th in YPC 39th in yards after contact 34th in explosive run rate”

In an act of disrespect towards the Bengals, the tribe just had Travis Kelce throw out the ceremonial first pitch at the home opener. He looked like he’s never thrown a baseball in his life.

I like gambling. But they’re putting a O/U line out before the schedule is even being released. I’m surprised they’re doing that. A game against Team X might look like a win. Then the schedule comes out in May and we see that we play Team X on the road on a Thursday night right after we played Pittsburgh and Baltimore on consecutive Sundays, and Team X is our tenth game in a row leading into our bye. My point is it’s difficult to handicap these games without knowing the schedule, the context. Another variable is the roster and the draft. Team X looks like a pushover now, then they elbow the Jets out of the way and sign Aaron Rogers. Different game altogether.

That dude has a long history of really funny QB reviews/evals. He was a hot stuff qb recruit, played at a couple different schools. Guarantee his real opinion of Burrow is way different than “he’s a diabetic on dialysis.”

https://www.tiktok.com/@thethrowgod/video/7218962582172962090

She’s an important part of Mike’s life. He’s a bit of a man about town.

Cue the smoke machine in the cafeteria at PBS. All the bengals' employees, some press, and some random vendors and delivery drivers are seated on 5 dollar white plastic stack chairs. TJ's granny is there in a black cocktail dress. A makeshift stage is obscured by smoke. Suddenly loud techno music thumps at 11. Mike Brown walks out from the smoke. He's wearing a form fitting black turtleneck, and a headset microphone. The music continues to play and Mike sort of dances Trump style, just moving his outstretched arms back and forth a bit. He points at a couple employees. The music dies down and Mike begins to speak. "Hellooooo! Hello Hello Hello! Great to be here!' 'We're here together because there is a lot of running back talk. Some of the uninformed amongst us seem to think we're stuck in the old ways, that we're still about /tries to make air quotes hand gesture/ business as usual /ceases strange air quotes gesture/. The future is now! I'm here to lead us into tomorrow." "I know what you're thinking, you're thinking, 'Mike, how can we field a football team without a proven running back?' Well I've got news for you. The question is how can we field a team with no running back at all? That's right! You heard right! These skinny jeans /points at his legs, absolutely fucking gross/ say one thing! They say I'm an interruptor. Wait, I'm a disruptor. I'm thinking of stuff so far out there that you can't believe I'm saying it! "As a disruptor, I'm leveraging things. I'm a multiplier that knows how to implement constant and never-ending improvement! I'm constantly innovating in a way customers care about. And I just cut Joe Mixon about ten minutes ago. He was a diminisher who didn't understand how to stand out in a crowded world." The techno music inexplicably starts thumping at 11. Mike looks confused, waves his arms, makes throat slashing gesture. The music stops. "We all know the world is changing. And this business will only thrive if we change with it! I'm targeting a very overlooked customer segment, the group of customers who want to watch us play without a twelve million dollar running back. That's the future! That's our future! Let's hear it!" Pump up music thumps at 11, the smoke machine comes on again, Mike recedes into the smoke, doing the strange arm dance, not moving any other part of his body.

I just don’t see them paying Mixon his current number.

I looked at that site, great site by the way. Only 11 teams had more QB hits on passing downs. So our guys are getting there, eventually.

Our sack numbers suck but there is one mitigating factor - Lou likes to cover and rush four. In the playoffs on 3rd and long I saw him rush three. I’m all for drafting a good edge guy and I hope they get one. But I also recognize that Lou is probably bottom 3 in the league in frequency of blitzing.

Sidney Jones is injury prone. Hope he can stay healthy and contribute.

Best chicken lip and dick pizza you could find anywhere in 1970. I think that’s how we ordered it.

Shakey’s was great. Not everyone in my family like pizza so my mom would sneak MacDonald’s cheeseburgers in her purse and we would absolutely house a couple pizzas and some crapdonalds. Pretty healthy lifestyle we had there.

“Cincinnati Redsuh, wha happenduh? How you lose to the Pissburt Piratesuhh?”

1. Linearity of Differentiation 2. How to shape shift into a raccoon whenever I want. (It’s not pretty, I did it one time at a campground in Lawrence, Kanas, and one guy who witnessed it killed himself while I was still in raccoon form. It’s horrible). 3. Adagio in D Minor by Johan Sebastian Bach, for the piano. I’ll guarantee you none of those GMs know it. I played it for my 8th grade recital. Fucking prodigy. At least I thought I was until Diu Jiang stepped up right after me and played Beethoven’s Moonlight Sonata and made me sound like the player piano at Shakey’s Pizza. I actually wanted to quit the piano after that but my dad made me play one more year. Ok, that’s just a sampling of what I know that those humorless dullards sitting in the 32 NFL GM chairs don’t know. Wait was this question even for me? Zeke can drop anchor and stone a charging Cape Buffalo. He’s a freak. And he’s still a short yardage and goal line battering ram. Open field? Dude’s got some mileage, it shows. But Mixon never even saw the field in the second half of the AFC title game because he just can’t pass block. This offense at this point in time? I’ll probably take the blocker and hope we draft a young RB who can be a threat on first and second down. Though if Mixon takes a haircut, send him to blocking school and roll with him one more year.

I have not accepted that 12 million figure. This offense is not married to this dude. The FO has changed the way they do things, and with all the emphasis on free agents these last three years I can easily see them embracing the other side of that coin - freeing up cap room with contract redo or straight up cutting a guy.

Zeke is an outstanding pass blocker. Dude’s a fire hydrant.