COB

What a player he was. His outrageous catch radius is responsible for like probably over half the money Andy got on that 100 million dollar contract.

57th out of 61 in the elusivity stat. I wonder what his grade was in the Buffalo game. He wasn’t trying to elude guys in that game at all. It was more like here’s my helmet in your chest at full speed. He had something extra that game.

It was one dollar a month for 12 months.

Found some of those modern metric rankings on Joe. (Found them in the 2nd of a 3 part series Paul Dehner is writing on the Bengals’ off-season roster moves). “Mixon struggled to consistently make defenders miss. PFF graded him 57th out of 61 qualifying running backs in their elusivity stat. NextGen Stats ranked Mixon 27th in rushing yards over expected.”

Also, “Tony Romo Intervention” better be part of Burrow’s cadence during a tv game next year or I’m going to be super pissed.

It would be worth it to have Andre Smith on this team right now just so we’d have someone we could nickname Chinese Spy Balloon. As it is, this Chinese Spy Balloon floats over and we’re all just like, ok, Andre’s gone. Silence.

With apologies to all of you who registered your respect for Tom Brady in here, I hate him. Pretty much everything about him. So I gleefully read a review of “80 For Brady” written by Corbin Smith for RS. He basically said the 4 female leads, Sally Fields, Lilly Tomlin, Jane Fonda, and Rita Moreno, would be great together in almost anything. So he questions why anyone would cast those four in a piece of shit that revolves around a crypto-schilling, cheating (2 convictions), Trump-loving douche like Brady. Two points to make - Brady has a charity that accepts donations from his retarded fans. One of the charity’s main functions? To pay Brady’s for-profit company, TB-12, Inc., for something called “Sports Therapy.” So far, Brady’s charity has needed $1.6 million in “sports therapy” from Brady’s for profit. Do you get it? His charity launders donations as it funnels them to the beneficiary of Brady’s charity which seems to be Brady himself. He probably uses Trump’s accountant. Second point - Charities require directors. They presumably direct the actions of the charity to best fulfill the charitable mission that justified the tax exempt status bestowed upon it. Alex Guerrero, Brady’s quack trainer and co-founder of Brady’s for-profit is on the charity’s board of Directors and has been paid about half a million dollars by the charity for his great advice. But he couldn’t do it without his fellow director, John Burns, who served as CEO of Brady’s for profit. He has been paid over 630K for his insights into how the charity can fulfill its mission. Anyway, Brady isn’t worthy of your admiration. Corbin Smith’s writing is. In the following passage Smith summarizes a scene in the movie (after the old ladies get in the coaching booth at the Super Bowl, take over the headsets and direct the offense and the defense to their 2nd half comeback against the Falcons). “Tomlin speaks with Tom. He says, hey, I couldn’t have done it without you, I am inspired by you, and you can have my jersey, even though “It’s got a lot of sweat on it.” He says this line in an unnatural register with an unrecognizable verbal syntax. It’s all very unconvincing. The NFL, who has to carry this fucking guy around with them from here on out, wants you to feel like Tom Brady is a man just like you. Instead, you come face to face with a horror show who appears to have no idea how human beings talk.”

Isaiah Moore it is! Loved his tape, the Wake Forest offense could not deal with our soon-to-be FrankenPratt.

The plan - we go linebacker in the 6th round. We draft some stiff from North Carolina State. We fake Pratt into thinking he needs some surgery. We put him under, then we extract DNA. The Bengals crack medical staff then uses the latest CRISPR gene editing technique on the 6th round depth guy, splicing Pratt’s genes in with this dude’s. Pratt wakes up. He’s like, “where’s my 12 million dollar a year contract?” The Bengals are like, “What contract? See our new rookie Frankenstein linebacker over here is working cheap with a capital C. We call him Pratt 2.0, sort of a pseudo Pratt.” Pratt’s all, “my DNA!”, and we’re all like, “that’s what I’m talking about, dude can straight up tackle!” Pratt signs with the Panthers and wins 4 games next year. Pseudo Pratt is a soldier and gears up if you know what I mean, tears the AFC North to shreds and we win the Super Bowl. Logan Wilson gets a nice fat extension.

Joe Mixon is over here right now setting up some ladders to clean my gutters. Bobby Hart is coming by tomorrow, he wants to sign a one hour gutter cleaning contract and then retire from gutter cleaning right here as my gutter cleaner.

Hey Joe, where you goin’ with that gun in your hand?

Aggravated Menacing? What did he do, threaten to show up next year and play under his current contract?

I don’t know if I’d call it leaving money on the table. Asking a guy like Bates to forfeit like 4 million a year or something isn’t realistic, and doesn’t really happen. The union would shit if guys started doing that. There are ways of keeping guys around. Sometimes it’s just getting into neighborhood, money wise. Also extending guys a year or even two before they hit FA.

Yea it’s real fun getting pistol whipped in the afc north all year while the chiefs pretty much scrimmage the JV six times a season. And I’m not buying the Chargers just because they have Herbert. Soft.

They’ll engage in some shenanigans to deal with Burrow’s hit. Shove a bunch into a signing bonus, defer this, performance bonus that, I don’t know. No one can keep track of all the bullshit tricks teams use to stay under the cap. Mike was never about that, buh gawd. Pay a man a fair wage for an honest day’s work. Yep, that’s how the NFL works. Hopefully they’ve got a capologist on staff and they’ll just tell Mike his day is over.

Our long national nightmare is over. Tom Brady is retiring from acting like a football player. If you find yourself missing the nauseating sensation of being immersed in the strange media worship Brady has enjoyed for 20 years, fear not. The movie “80 For Brady” opens this weekend. A bunch of old actresses get paid to act like they actually give a fuck about football and Tom Brady. Right. Hollywood sure has a handle on the American zeitgeist. Go make about a hundred more superhero movies. PS - Vegas odds Brady ends up in an actual superhero movie are 2-1.

WTF!

His agent, Tony Romo, will fall to pieces when he reads this.

There is no way his agent can justify that cap number. I read an advanced metric (something like expected yardage after first contact) that had Mixon near the bottom of starting running backs. He’s still a starter, the Buffalo game showed it. If the team approaches his agent with a request to redo that deal, they’d be justified in doing so. But his agent will want a couple years added to be willing to take a reduction. I think a lot of teams would play hardball and say just take a salary reduction or we cut you. I don’t see the Bengals doing that.

Chris Russo just destroyed the ref crew from our game.

Bitter pill to swallow. Still, when you win the division and win two playoff games, it’s a good year. Offensive line needs to keep improving somehow.

This NFC game is boring as hell.

Bad fumble with a minute left in the half by Quad Stringer. Eagles going for the jugular.

Rudy got his arm hurt, 4th stringer in and getting it done.

These announcers are acting like Purdy’s out. I see no evidence of that.