Hi Jagsince95, I hope you guys do well this year, you’ve got a great quarterback! Now back to the matter at hand, Godzilla:
If any of you 7 guys on here were members of the English faculty at my High School in the 1979-1980 school year, then you already know of the greatest script for a Godzilla movie that has ever been written. Unfortunately, it was never made into a movie, because I wrote it in the form of a play for my senior English class. I don’t have a copy of it, but I’ll paraphrase as follows:
Scene – Jonestown, Guyana, 1978. Homicidal Maniac and Old Timey Preacher Jim Jones arrives back at his compound after he and his henchmen shoot various people, including a US House of Representatives member and journalists at their jungle airstrip. Jones is wearing his ‘70s Elvis glasses and looking dope as hell, except he’s a religious nut with a messianic complex and he’s hell bent to kill all his brainwashed followers. He’s like, “time to die, we’re doing this for Jesus, come on now you retards, drink of bunch of poison, Jesus would want you to!” They’re all like, “ok, we’re down for this, as long as Jesus says it’s ok.”
Scene – A top secret undergound bunker full of Generals and Rambo types. They’ve got big screens and lots of data spread sheets, just a straight up war room, it shows these guys are heavy. The leader goes, “Jim Jones has started his crazy murder plan. Initiate Operation Blood Bath!” Some flunky pushes a big red button.
Scene – Back at Jonestown, the first brainwashed moron is about to take a drink of poison. But instead the jungle starts to shake, a huge shrieking noise is heard, the wind blows, and the trees part to reveal none other than Godzilla himself. And he’s got his eye on Jim Jones. Godzilla breathes fire and inadvertently burns up some of the victims he’s saving. Collateral damage. Godzilla just does his thing, goes on a killing rampage. He’s throwing subway cars around full of Japanese people (no explanation for why there are subways and Japanese people in Guyana). Jim Jones is like, “holy shit, I was not expecting this.” A couple of his followers ask him, “Is that Jesus?” Jones is like, “Are you fucking serious? No, that’s definitely not Jesus.”
Jones and his henchmen flee to his stash house of heavy weaponry. They pull out rockets, artillery, civil war cannons, like a bunch of really consequential stuff. They start blasting Godzilla. He’s getting the living crap kicked out of him. He maybe went too hard in the first scene. Our boy is just straight up tuckered out. He’s absorbing artillery shells, cannon balls, small arms fire, the whole thing. Godzilla goes down! He’s down but he’s still alive.
Jones is too much of an arrogant douche to realize he should go for the kill shot. Instead he just starts bragging to his followers, “Look, I didn’t want to tell you guys this before, but I basically am God.” Jones is looking particularly killer in this scene. His hair is slicked back, he’s got his metal Elvis sunglasses on, he’s wearing some kind of new age frock or whatever its called. He’s got the full attention of his dimwitted followers and keeps going, “I am the Alpha and the Omega, the first and the last, the beginning and the end. I am who is and who was and who is to come. Now if you would all kindly form two lines and drink all this deadly poison so you can go die in the hot sun and bloat up like a bunch of gruesome parade floats, I’d really appreciate it.” They’re all like, “we’re on it,” and they begin lining up.
But it’s too late, they’ve waited too long. Godzilla has gotten his second wind. He’s back on his feet and even when Jones and his goons open up on him, he just brushes it off and there is like a ten minute murder montage where Godzilla wreaks the most violent vengeance the world has ever seen. None of the Jonestown religion slaves survive. Jones and his men are killed. In fact, Godzilla lays waste to the whole continent of South America. It’s a smoking ruins as our scene ends with Godzilla on the northern shore, facing north. He can see North America in the distance (poetic license), and, with a rather determined look on his face, he begins swimming to America.
Scene – We’re back in the war room. The giant screens show Godzilla swimming towards America. The Generals are all shitting their pants. One dude steps up, he says, “Gentlemen, Operation Blood Bath is currently swimming towards our southern border. Any ideas?” Out of nowhere the most badass General appears. He’s dressed like the others, but instead of a regular hat he’s wearing a beret with some weird patch on it. It shows he’s the heaviest of the heavy. He goes, “We’ve trained for this. I’ve invited a new friend to the party. A new friend named NUCLEAR ARMAGEDDON!!” Then the giant screens just show missile silos opening up, and ICBM’s go flying out from all over the US, all headed straight for Godzilla. The guy with the beret cackles insanely. Dude loves nuclear war! The other Generals are kind of looking at each other like, “what the fuck, did anyone authorize a nuclear Armageddon?”
Scene – Godzilla emerges from the ocean on the coast of Florida. Just when he gets out of the water, nuclear bombs start hitting him. He’s got mushroom clouds blazing all around him. The General with the beret didn’t plan to decimate Florida, but hey, fog of war and all that stuff, just keeping it real. It turns out America forgot that Godzilla was created by nuclear war. He thrives on nuclear war. The nuclear bombs hitting him make him grow, and they make him stronger. He grows to ten times his normal size. Now he is no longer breathing fire, instead he’s breathing like nuclear explosion mushroom clouds. Absolute mayhem ensues, he wipes out the whole southeastern United States, it’s like Sherman’s march to the sea to the one hundredth power.
Scene – Back to the war room. There is a priest there and he’s giving all the Generals and Rambo types the last rites. There’s a lot of whimpering, guys calling for their mommy. It’s sad to see America’s military might reduced to this, but hey, nothing lasts forever. But wait! One of the guys starts preaching a new religion. He claims Godzilla is the return of Jesus Christ, as prophesied in the bible. They all buy it. They see this as their way out. Pretty soon they’ve got like a Godzilla Cult going, they worship Godzilla. Finally on their giant screens they see that Godzilla has arrived at their hidden location. They all go outside chanting prayers to Godzilla, holding signs, the whole thing. The General with the beret goes, “All powerful Godzilla, welcome to the United States, though you’ve already burned up half of it. We know you are the son of god, that previously you died on the cross for us, we welcome you back to earth, we’ll try not to murder you this time.” Godzilla has heard enough and he just flat out vaporizes the whole group with his nuclear flamethrower breath.
That’s it, that’s the end. I can’t recall the exact details but I had the cast of Hee Haw somehow involved in the original version of this. That was an incredible show from the ‘70s that I loved. I honestly can’t remember how I worked them in, but I think maybe Godzilla joined the cast of Hee Haw and became part of the show, I can’t remember for sure.
