Stripes

I can just imagine the front office, juiced up in their own way and ready to attack the offseason as all the reporters keep saying. Then teams start doing the things they always do, and the Bengals are shocked at the audacity. They gave up WHAT for WHO? They paid HOW MUCH? Pivots come when they expected the league to pinch pennies as conservatively as they do (despite that never happening even once since 1993).

Alright, we've been in the legal tampering period for 3 minutes. Impress me.

I suspect Ja'Marr just wanted Crosby and assumed, from some dreamy cognitive space where optimism reigns and he hasn't observed the behavior of this franchise for multiple decades, that the Bengals would be interested.

I think the Ravens gave up too much, but you can tell they know what “all in” means. Free agency better be amazing, or the stadium might be subjected to an insurrection.

Good question. The fan favorite is probably Caleb Downs, and I am extremely on board with that. I'd take any impact defender though, so Arvell Reese, Sonny Styles, and Ruben Bain all stand out. So, knowing the Bengals' long drafting tradition -- at least one of those players will still be on the board, and they'll take someone else. Deviating from the expectations of fans and the national media is their biggest kink. Duke Tobin, the Brown family, and the Blackburns are already stroking one out just thinking about it.

It's a cruel sport that doesn't seem to care about how long anyone has suffered. Between us, and let's throw in the Vikings, we're 0-11 in the big game and we all have so many other playoff misses too. If the sports gods were anything better than giant assholes, we'd all be due. But assholes they be.

When a giant drama queen breaks up with the most stubborn and old-fashioned boyfriend in the nation

If Mike makes it to the end of the decade.

Risner retained on a one year deal worth up to $5 million. https://www.espn.com/nfl/story/_/id/48081177/bengals-re-sign-lineman-dalton-risner-1-year-deal I mean. Woo? As ever, they expertly maneuver the most lukewarm solutions to things. Better than letting him walk.

I still use an old Papa John's personal pizza crust that I found under my seat in section 306 as a crowbar when I lock myself out.

It’s a good thing you didn’t offer gutter cleaning or driveway power washing, visiting advertiser. We have those covered.

“You don’t know how hard it is to run an NFL franchise with seven employees, most of whom have demonstrated no particular qualities beyond having the desired surnames.”

Why resign Risner? We can draft a replacement in the fourth round. *continues creating molotov cocktails in the back of a van headed for Cincinnati*

Hard for me to give a shit what they do anyway. I don’t trust them at all. If they do exactly what I ask for, that just means I was wrong and they’ll soon prove it.

They'll trade him well after the draft and ensure the process is as inefficient, needlessly teeth-pulling, and unbountiful as possible.

I’d give COB’s center nut for a trade up in pursuit of a major game changer like Downs.

I would give COB's right nut to watch ArmyB in the draft room struggling to refrain from yelling F-Us at every person running the operation.

Inspired. I asked ChatGPT myself. The prompt: "Please provide me with a strong and plausible plan for the current offseason that will ensure the Cincinnati Bengals finish the 2026 NFL season as the Super Bowl champions." See the response in the spoiler.

Murphy, after a few flashes, should be pretty solid. As a backup behind Billy Free Agent and Michael Draft Pick.

Here I hopelessly claw at my computer screen, begging, screaming, "bring in Jim Schwartz, you complete morons" and the Bengals barely shift in their hibernation.

Not sure how Kenny ever gets in if he couldn't this time.

I never considered it until now, but I bet Mike was behind that horrific magic show halftime in Super Bowl XXIII.

Willie Anderson himself says he’s not in this year.

Just imagine the Cincinnati Bengals trading significant draft assets to acquire top-end defenders for a Super Bowl run. They absolutely should try to do that. They'll never even lift the phone receiver from its rotary dial, however. Mike wouldn't miss his 1967 reruns of Gunsmoke on TV Land for that.

Needing 40 out of 50 is brutal. Kenny is doomed.