My recent interview with Mike
Cob: “Thank you for meeting with me Mr. Brown.”
MB: “My pleasure. Call me Mike, please.”
Cob: “Very well, Mike. When I look back on my life, I feel as though I am looking into a dark abyss of space and time.”
MB: “Is that a question?”
COB: “Do you feel that way? That your life is devoid of all purpose? That nothing truly has any instrinsic value?”
MB: “I don’t know. My purpose right now is that big Fresca contract for the stadium.”
COB: “You were once known as a bit of a progressive on societal matters. Yet you quietly sat on the sidelines as Ohio has been turned into a gerrymandered theocracy hellhole. Will you spend a high draft pick on another offensive lineman next year?
MB: “Uh, yes. We will shore up that line with draft picks. Yes.”
COB: “You reside in a mansion. Amongst the wealthiest of our society. Yet you repeatedly drive twenty five miles per hour on Shawnee Run Road in the left lane with your blinker on. Why?”
MB: “How do you know about that?”
COB: “The other owners are tired of doing all the work while you sit on the sidelines, an iconoclast who does nothing but poke them with a sharp stick. They do the heavy lifting that increases the value of your franchise, yet in your own small way your obstruct them at every turn. Why”
MB: “What?”
COB “You frequently reference a hypothetical oxcart, and a hypothetical ditch. What is the meaning of this?”
MB: “OK! Yes, as the league moves forwa…..” /loudly interrupted by interviewer/
COB: “Is there a god?”
MB: “Well, I don’t know for sure. There is the accrual accounting method.”
COB: “So, accrual accounting is your god?”
MB: “I never thought of it that way. But yes, I guess it is.”
COB: “The American Society of Sock Garter Collectors has a god. And you, Mike Brown, are that God!”
MB: “Ha ha! Yes, I have a quite a collection of sock garters, and yes most in the ASSGC consider my collection to be the gold standard.”
COB: “Why is your sock garter collection not in the Smithsonian?”
MB: “It will be. We’ve been quietly negotiating the terms of the loan of my collection to the Smithsonian.”
COB: “I’m afraid to ask this question, but I will. How long have you been negotiating?”
MB: “11 years.”
COB: “The lighthearted portion of the interview has concluded. When will you die?”
MB: “Gosh I don’t know. I feel good.”
COB: “Do you think you may be immortal?”
MB: “Yes, I might be. I’ve thought about that.”
COB: “If you are immortal, you will be destroyed by watching your children grow old and die. Will you consider signing some free agents to help in the defensive backfield?”
MB: “Gee, I leave all that up to my personnel guys, the scouts and such.”
COB: “Is that a no?”
MB: “Correct.”
COB: “Thank you Mr. Brown, that concludes part one of our interview?”
MB: “Part what?”
