Stripes

Fitting that the first object I see advertised is a belt folded to look just like a penis.

They'd better do something with it.

The choice has never been tougher. They should probably expand the list at this point. If I still had a vote, I'd probably go with... Lemar Parrish Reggie Williams at least if I spent no more than five minutes thinking about it

If the $28 million offer is accurate, that's slightly in low-ball territory. It's not terrible, but I was hoping to see a 3 in that first digit.

Let's see... L W1 at CLE This certainly shouldn't be a loss, but I am not picking a week one win against any opponent until Zac Taylor proves he can prepare a winning game plan for the opener. He did win once (2021 vs. MIN), but only in overtime. He has never won in week one in regulation as a head coach. W W2 vs JAX Now I'm just being a fool. No 0-2 start??? Jacksonville shouldn't be treated as pushovers, but I think this matchup will be just what the doctor ordered. Burrow will elevate against his premier collegiate QB and #1 overall pick competition. L W3 at MIN JJ McCarthy is basically a rookie QB, and this will be his opportunity to look like he has been in the league for a decade. Al Golden has never demonstrated he has the rookie QB illness that so many Bengals DCs before him have suffered, but I am just going to take it for granted that the illness continues. W W4 at DEN MNF The fans are down on the team with another weak start underway and fully expect this road loss. The Bengals show up and win handily under the lights, reminding everyone that even when things look shitty they can win any week with Burrow at QB. L W5 vs DET The defense gets its ass handed to them in a really bad matchup. The Lions offensive line does whatever it wants. This ends up being the Bengals' worst loss of the season. W W6 at GB The Bengals continue to ride the see-saw and also hold true to an old meme: seeming more competent on the road than at home. Jordan Love can't keep up with Burrow and throws a couple picks. W W7 vs PIT TNF Finally, we get consecutive wins. The Steelers should never be underestimated, but the Bengals handle business at home under the lights in an ugly, low-scoring win. W W8 vs NYJ One cannot help hearing the ghostly whispers of Mike White here even if he is no longer a Jet. Still, the Bengals are able to mount enough offense that the Jets cannot keep pace. W W9 vs CHI Four in a row. Things are looking up heading into the bye. However, this game also introduces as many concerns as it answers questions. It's a wild shootout like the Bengals lost so many of in 2024, but this time the Bears out-Bear the Bengals and lose. W10 BYE L W11 at PIT I don't think I can pick a sweep over Pittsburgh. Strangely, I would feel better about that if they do get Aaron Rodgers. The Mason Rudolph scrub QB types bring that dark magic mojo that scares me irrationally. W W12 vs NE We're not losing at home to this team in consecutive seasons. Fuck you. L W13 at BAL TNF Ugh. Enjoy your turkey. This is the schedule's biggest load of bullshit (again), and the home team tends to win in primetime AFC North games. Lamar elevates against Burrow as much as Burrow against Lamar. L W14 at BUF This feels like another bad matchup for the defense, though for different reasons than the Lions game. This time, the Bengals inconsistent or anemic pass rush really hurts them. Josh Allen feasts both on the ground and through the air and wins the shootout. W W15 vs BAL Much needed division win late in the season to feel better about this team's playoff prospects. The defense is starting to round into form at the end of the season, especially in the division matchups, and Burrow feasts. This ends up a surprisingly comfortable win. W W16 at MIA SNF I don't know if this will still be on SNF by the time we get here. If it is, I think it's fair to expect offense. Burrow, Chase, and Higgins have a little more to offer than Tua, Hill, and Waddle. W W17 vs ARI The Cardinals could be feisty and annoying. This is when Burrow teams play at their best, however, and they should have a solid advantage at home. W W18 vs CLE The Bengals help Cleveland lock up a top three overall draft pick. Looks like that's 11-6, which feels okay to me. I'm showing 3-3 in division games, splitting with everyone. That's probably a wild card berth. I'm sure this was a pointless exercise. I'd like to say "I'll see how this looks when the season ends", but I won't remember that.

3-3

The Eagles definitely do not have "a lot less talent". That is probably the most talented roster in the NFL.

Weeks 13-15 are brutal and will probably make or break the season. Two divisional TNF games is hot bullshit.

W1 at CLE W2 vs JAX W3 at MIN W4 at DEN MNF W5 vs DET W6 at GB W7 vs PIT TNF W8 vs NYJ W9 vs CHI W10 BYE W11 at PIT W12 vs NE W13 at BAL TNF W14 at BUF W15 vs BAL W16 at MIA SNF W17 vs ARI W18 vs CLE

I like that. Maybe a difficult opening week forces them to wake up. Granted, that wouldn’t save a shitty game plan.

I struggle to be too critical of the Bengals on this one. why won’t you immediately and enthusiastically extend the player with a pay raise you already extended with a pay raise once before only for him to complain about it It sucks A LOT, because the man is a first team all-pro. We may not get another one of those at his position for two decades.

I visited Madrid once when I was stationed in the UK. It's well worth a visit. The Prado Museum is really cool.

Just ready to see who gets two free wins with the 0-2 start.

Diana Russini said the Bengals/Trey Hendrickson standoff was in a state of "good vibes". Whatever that means. Sports media in 2025

I was under the impression that much of Dax's struggle was because of the chess piece mindset. I kind of hope they let him pick a lane and stick to it. I could see him maybe rotating into slot corner for some matchups; that wouldn't be too bad.

How else would the Arby's in Heath retain its only repeat customer?

Having some time to sit on these picks and consider what I like and don't like, I end up somewhere like what follows. Grades are pointless, but I'll do it anyway -- to represent how good I feel rather than how good the pick is (because who the hell knows). R1 - Shemar Stewart - It feels like another season where the pick that makes me the most uneasy is the first one. This has been a recent theme with Duke Tobin outside the Burrow/Chase home runs. Stewart is branded as the typical high-ceiling/low-floor gamble, and I hope that's accurate. I worry that he's better described as a moderate-ceiling/low-floor prospect. Players of a similar body-production archetype have, at best, been guys like Rashan Gary and Travon Walker (about 9-10 sacks in a good year). That's a good thing, and I would love to see that. It's not Myles Garrett though, even if the athleticism is on that level. The floor is Myles Murphy or Margus Hunt. We've seen this before, so I don't really feel great. I have been wrong before, so I will hope that is the case again. Projected role in 2025 -- rotational pass rusher, possible starter (I think he could be in a revolving door with Ossai and Murphy opposite Hendrickson). "Grade" -- D R2 - Demetrius Knight - I think I am higher on this pick than many Bengals fans. He strikes me as a legitimately good player with great character and maturity. His makeup as a prospect seems right on track with Wilson and Pratt before him, and we know that has worked. If the biggest gripe is his age, then I genuinely don't care about that. If they get four years from him and he plays well enough to shore up the LB room, then that's fine. Projected role in 2025 -- compete for a starting role with Burks to replace Pratt "Grade" -- B R3 - Dylan Fairchild - I also like this choice. It's fine to quibble about his "value" relative to draft position, but that's really all guesswork anyway. I know of at least two big draft outlets that had him in rounds 3-4, so I don't view it as some egregious reach. The guard position is a black hole on this roster without this pick, so we know there's a clear need and opportunity. Indeed, given his pedigree at Georgia, I think it's fair to expect him to step in and outperform Cordell Volson. There's no guarantee of that, but I like his chances. He's also another rock-solid character pick. Projected role in 2025 -- starting left guard "Grade" - B R4 - Barrett Carter - Good pick. I'm not sure it was "necessary" to double-dip at linebacker, but in the fourth round who cares. I think he's a good player that should have every opportunity to contribute in the scheme Al Golden has advertised. Between the higher emphasis on 4-3 packages and the need for special teams help, Carter should be able to find a role. I think he can be an ADG-type depth piece. I like him more than the LBers already on the roster behind the starters and Burks. Projected role in 2025 -- defensive depth, 4-3 packages, and special teams "Grade" - B R5 - Jalen Rivers - I'm not going to complain about more OL depth. This team has struggled so much in recent memory, including during deep playoff runs, because their OL depth wasn't good enough to cross the finish line. I am not sure if Rivers changes that, but he at least represents an effort. I could say "I'd have preferred Mbow", which, fine, but I will save that gripe until Mbow plays a down. I also like that he has significant collegiate experience at both guard and tackle. He also snapped the ball at the Senior Bowl. Projected role in 2025 -- OL swing depth "Grade" - C R6 - Tahj Brooks - I really don't care about this choice either way. Maybe he can contribute on special teams. I don't think running back was a need, and I have no clue about this player as a talent. He'll have to provide an immediate spark in camp and during the preseason, or his ceiling on this roster is probably pretty low. I don't figure he has a leg up over Moss or Perine for snaps in the immediate present. We've seen that before with Chris Evans. He could theoretically upgrade Trayveon Williams, but that means very little to me. Projectetd role in 2025 -- 4th running back, special teams, possibly cut "Grade" - C Put it all together with added weight for the early rounds, and I end up in the vicinity of a C overall. Sure. I guess that's about how I feel.

I have tried so hard, but I just can't do it. I can't. I don't have it in me. I have no opinion of this draft pick. It happened. I saw it. Those are my thoughts about Tahj Brooks, RB, Texas Tech.

Certainly. I think it's also possible they hard pivoted as a response to everything Jermaine Burton.

They definitely did emphasize character. That has worked before (2020), albeit with less obscure names.

This will be an interesting test of process. They deviated frequently from consensus, and then the Ravens and Steelers took the consensus players in the Bengals’ wake. I hope it works out. I will withhold most of my moaning until the players play.

Guard double-dip complete.

This could be viewed as a direct response to Lamar Jackson.

Pittsburgh took Jack Sawyer. I have a feeling that's going to work well for them.

Barrett Carter, LB, Clemson Sure, okay