COB

Isaiah Moore it is! Loved his tape, the Wake Forest offense could not deal with our soon-to-be FrankenPratt.

The plan - we go linebacker in the 6th round. We draft some stiff from North Carolina State. We fake Pratt into thinking he needs some surgery. We put him under, then we extract DNA. The Bengals crack medical staff then uses the latest CRISPR gene editing technique on the 6th round depth guy, splicing Pratt’s genes in with this dude’s. Pratt wakes up. He’s like, “where’s my 12 million dollar a year contract?” The Bengals are like, “What contract? See our new rookie Frankenstein linebacker over here is working cheap with a capital C. We call him Pratt 2.0, sort of a pseudo Pratt.” Pratt’s all, “my DNA!”, and we’re all like, “that’s what I’m talking about, dude can straight up tackle!” Pratt signs with the Panthers and wins 4 games next year. Pseudo Pratt is a soldier and gears up if you know what I mean, tears the AFC North to shreds and we win the Super Bowl. Logan Wilson gets a nice fat extension.

Joe Mixon is over here right now setting up some ladders to clean my gutters. Bobby Hart is coming by tomorrow, he wants to sign a one hour gutter cleaning contract and then retire from gutter cleaning right here as my gutter cleaner.

Hey Joe, where you goin’ with that gun in your hand?

Aggravated Menacing? What did he do, threaten to show up next year and play under his current contract?

I don’t know if I’d call it leaving money on the table. Asking a guy like Bates to forfeit like 4 million a year or something isn’t realistic, and doesn’t really happen. The union would shit if guys started doing that. There are ways of keeping guys around. Sometimes it’s just getting into neighborhood, money wise. Also extending guys a year or even two before they hit FA.

Yea it’s real fun getting pistol whipped in the afc north all year while the chiefs pretty much scrimmage the JV six times a season. And I’m not buying the Chargers just because they have Herbert. Soft.

They’ll engage in some shenanigans to deal with Burrow’s hit. Shove a bunch into a signing bonus, defer this, performance bonus that, I don’t know. No one can keep track of all the bullshit tricks teams use to stay under the cap. Mike was never about that, buh gawd. Pay a man a fair wage for an honest day’s work. Yep, that’s how the NFL works. Hopefully they’ve got a capologist on staff and they’ll just tell Mike his day is over.

Our long national nightmare is over. Tom Brady is retiring from acting like a football player. If you find yourself missing the nauseating sensation of being immersed in the strange media worship Brady has enjoyed for 20 years, fear not. The movie “80 For Brady” opens this weekend. A bunch of old actresses get paid to act like they actually give a fuck about football and Tom Brady. Right. Hollywood sure has a handle on the American zeitgeist. Go make about a hundred more superhero movies. PS - Vegas odds Brady ends up in an actual superhero movie are 2-1.

WTF!

His agent, Tony Romo, will fall to pieces when he reads this.

There is no way his agent can justify that cap number. I read an advanced metric (something like expected yardage after first contact) that had Mixon near the bottom of starting running backs. He’s still a starter, the Buffalo game showed it. If the team approaches his agent with a request to redo that deal, they’d be justified in doing so. But his agent will want a couple years added to be willing to take a reduction. I think a lot of teams would play hardball and say just take a salary reduction or we cut you. I don’t see the Bengals doing that.

Chris Russo just destroyed the ref crew from our game.

Bitter pill to swallow. Still, when you win the division and win two playoff games, it’s a good year. Offensive line needs to keep improving somehow.

This NFC game is boring as hell.

Bad fumble with a minute left in the half by Quad Stringer. Eagles going for the jugular.

Rudy got his arm hurt, 4th stringer in and getting it done.

These announcers are acting like Purdy’s out. I see no evidence of that.

Candace called our uniform tiger stripes “garish.” I’m starting a go fund me that will be used to arm a militia (ok a kill squad. Eh, ok I’ll use the money to fund a campaign for writing some fairly stern letters of complaint) that will provide a rebuttal to this provocative, unforgivable, insult. If Candace thinks she can just jump into the Washington Post sports page and commit cultural genocide, well, I’m just saying that this isn’t fair. She has a gazillion readers and I just have like 7 in here. Nonetheless, here goes. Our tiger stripes are not garish. Checkmate, Candace.

I got you. I took a picture of myself after the Bills game to make sure I could wear the exact same stuff for the Chiefs game. It’s covered.

I hear you. Some of the flat Midwest in the middle of winter can be soul crushing.

Mahomes thinking: “I barely care about this game, probably going to go about 60%. What? Burrowhead? Shit’s on now motherfucker!”

Safe travels, enjoy this great experience with your son.

I don’t. I didn’t like what I read but there has to be a lot we aren’t reading. There were no charges filed and prosecutors don’t hesitate when it involves an underage teen girl. We don’t hear everything the police and the prosecutor hears. There absolutely is more to this story than we are hearing. It’s a black mark on this kid’s reputation and that’s all it should be. He could end up playing elsewhere next year and I still won’t hold this story against him.

I kind of want them all back. Most difficult, in my opinion, will be Pratt. He’s damn good and his agent will get a ton of calls with what I think will be top five for his position type money. Could be tough. Burrow - if he’ll take a team friendly deal that allows us to keep good players around him, then guarantee it all. I’d give him ten years guaranteed. If it’s that versus higher cap hit but not guaranteed, go with the lower cap hit and guarantee it. In no way is he a risk like Watson was.