COB

That girl from Clueless is adorable.

Carlos Dunlap on the tackle!

Ok Dr. J was just in an ad. Still the coolest human on this planet.

Both of these o-lines are so much better than ours it makes me want to scream.

Damn, that qb sneak was textbook. And our kicker that Marvin cut because Marvin’s an idiot kicks the extra point.

Damn, Philly just marched down the field on the first possession. Coming back says Mike Perreira!

Hurts looks good so far, good arm and can run.

So far this game has one significant redeeming quality - Tom Brady is not calling it.

We should be in this game.

The Bengals are a very attractive landing spot for free agents this off-season. There are a number of reasons, Burrow being the most significant. There is an one factor that is a little unexpected. Zac Taylor has earned a reputation for being a coach who takes care of his players. That is the actual phrasing I heard. They mean a vet knows he’ll be looked after in camp and the pre-season. Specifically, a vet starter won’t be put through an unnecessarily physical camp and will barely play in the preseason, negating the chance of early season injury guys endure if they play for a team with a different philosophy, like, say, a couple of our division rivals. Its certainly one factor when guys are weighing multiple offers.

They gave Andy $100 million on a 6 year deal. The bengals are far from cheap. To be fair though, uninformed nfl fans still think they’re cheap. And even for those of us who know they aren’t cheap, it is still fun to make jokes about them being cheap. We all do it. Lumina.

I think that owner is seriously going to hire Jeff Saturday. It makes no sense.

Dude was drafted as a quarterback. Hard to say what it was about Ken that turned teams away from him as a QB. Maybe his size. Anyway he switched to DB right after the draft and was an absolute player.

Weird Stats - This last season all 4 AFC North teams split with each other. Rather odd. Also, all 4 AFC North teams have had the same coach for at least 3 seasons. Only the NFC west comes close, with 3 coaches in place for at least 3 years. Stolen from Dehner, because that’s what I do.

The bengals took bates at his word and drafted his replacement. I doubt the bengals will be in the top 5 bidders for Jessie Bates. He’s gone.

Mike won’t have any answers on who they’ll sign until he emerges from his darkness retreat in the tool shed behind his Indian Hill McMansion. 4 days and nights of complete darkness and silence, exactly what a Marvin Lewis halftime locker room must have seemed like.

What a player he was. His outrageous catch radius is responsible for like probably over half the money Andy got on that 100 million dollar contract.

57th out of 61 in the elusivity stat. I wonder what his grade was in the Buffalo game. He wasn’t trying to elude guys in that game at all. It was more like here’s my helmet in your chest at full speed. He had something extra that game.

It was one dollar a month for 12 months.

Found some of those modern metric rankings on Joe. (Found them in the 2nd of a 3 part series Paul Dehner is writing on the Bengals’ off-season roster moves). “Mixon struggled to consistently make defenders miss. PFF graded him 57th out of 61 qualifying running backs in their elusivity stat. NextGen Stats ranked Mixon 27th in rushing yards over expected.”

Also, “Tony Romo Intervention” better be part of Burrow’s cadence during a tv game next year or I’m going to be super pissed.

It would be worth it to have Andre Smith on this team right now just so we’d have someone we could nickname Chinese Spy Balloon. As it is, this Chinese Spy Balloon floats over and we’re all just like, ok, Andre’s gone. Silence.

With apologies to all of you who registered your respect for Tom Brady in here, I hate him. Pretty much everything about him. So I gleefully read a review of “80 For Brady” written by Corbin Smith for RS. He basically said the 4 female leads, Sally Fields, Lilly Tomlin, Jane Fonda, and Rita Moreno, would be great together in almost anything. So he questions why anyone would cast those four in a piece of shit that revolves around a crypto-schilling, cheating (2 convictions), Trump-loving douche like Brady. Two points to make - Brady has a charity that accepts donations from his retarded fans. One of the charity’s main functions? To pay Brady’s for-profit company, TB-12, Inc., for something called “Sports Therapy.” So far, Brady’s charity has needed $1.6 million in “sports therapy” from Brady’s for profit. Do you get it? His charity launders donations as it funnels them to the beneficiary of Brady’s charity which seems to be Brady himself. He probably uses Trump’s accountant. Second point - Charities require directors. They presumably direct the actions of the charity to best fulfill the charitable mission that justified the tax exempt status bestowed upon it. Alex Guerrero, Brady’s quack trainer and co-founder of Brady’s for-profit is on the charity’s board of Directors and has been paid about half a million dollars by the charity for his great advice. But he couldn’t do it without his fellow director, John Burns, who served as CEO of Brady’s for profit. He has been paid over 630K for his insights into how the charity can fulfill its mission. Anyway, Brady isn’t worthy of your admiration. Corbin Smith’s writing is. In the following passage Smith summarizes a scene in the movie (after the old ladies get in the coaching booth at the Super Bowl, take over the headsets and direct the offense and the defense to their 2nd half comeback against the Falcons). “Tomlin speaks with Tom. He says, hey, I couldn’t have done it without you, I am inspired by you, and you can have my jersey, even though “It’s got a lot of sweat on it.” He says this line in an unnatural register with an unrecognizable verbal syntax. It’s all very unconvincing. The NFL, who has to carry this fucking guy around with them from here on out, wants you to feel like Tom Brady is a man just like you. Instead, you come face to face with a horror show who appears to have no idea how human beings talk.”

Isaiah Moore it is! Loved his tape, the Wake Forest offense could not deal with our soon-to-be FrankenPratt.

The plan - we go linebacker in the 6th round. We draft some stiff from North Carolina State. We fake Pratt into thinking he needs some surgery. We put him under, then we extract DNA. The Bengals crack medical staff then uses the latest CRISPR gene editing technique on the 6th round depth guy, splicing Pratt’s genes in with this dude’s. Pratt wakes up. He’s like, “where’s my 12 million dollar a year contract?” The Bengals are like, “What contract? See our new rookie Frankenstein linebacker over here is working cheap with a capital C. We call him Pratt 2.0, sort of a pseudo Pratt.” Pratt’s all, “my DNA!”, and we’re all like, “that’s what I’m talking about, dude can straight up tackle!” Pratt signs with the Panthers and wins 4 games next year. Pseudo Pratt is a soldier and gears up if you know what I mean, tears the AFC North to shreds and we win the Super Bowl. Logan Wilson gets a nice fat extension.