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I've won my fantasy league over my old asshole Air Force friends. That does nothing for any of you, but whoop-dee-doo for me.

An allegory for the Bengals entering the start of free agency.

Sounds like camp slogan analogy style !! This time I thought I might include ChatGTP to view AI thoughts on Bengals football and rusty forks to the eye. The answer: "A rusty fork in your eye is to vision what the Bengals are to football excellence: Not only does it ruin everything it touches, it leaves lasting trauma, zero improvement and somehow still shows up every season pretending this time it will be different" Jesus Christ, who knew ChatGTP was a Bengals fan ?!?!

50% chance I return as a bengal fan next year: the 50% chance I don’t return as a fan consists of the following: 5% chance I straight up die. 10% chance a bad accident leaves me more brain damaged than I already am. 5% chance I am aggressively recruited by another nfl team after that team reads incredibly incisive posts on bengalszone that reveal a depth of football knowledge that leaves the reader stunned. 5% chance I am awarded prestigious “NFL Message Board Fan of the Year” and I spend the ‘26 season traveling around the league spreading goodwill towards man. 5% chance Mesozoic Era Fossil/Life Form sells the team and new owner moves it to Orlando. 5% chance Troy finds out about me and Katie. Shit gets real. 4% chance I randomly start hitting the ball like I’m 25 years old, never leave the golf course again. 10% chance a near death experience leaves me with a deepened sense of spirituality, a greater sense of purpose, and a profound oneness with the universe that I can only express to the outside world by becoming a fan of the Detroit Lions. 1% chance I just somehow come to my senses.

We lose! If you're happy and you know it, FIRE EVERYONE. If you're happy and you know and you really wanna show it, FIRE EVERYONE.

Fine you got me. I wanted to show the dog what a real man’s shit looked like and marked my territory. Mrs, Armybengal didn’t quite get it and I really lost her smearing it on the door. She was like, “Was that really necessary”? Yes honey, you clearly don’t understand why the dog is man’s best friend.

In a related note, it was so fucking cold this morning when I went outside, I accidentally took a shit on the porch…

Took my dog outside in the snow this morning and he looked at me like, “What the fuck bro” and decided to shit on the porch.

It's the same thing damn near every year Stripes. We all know they should utilize free agency to address needs and free up the draft. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. It seems like I'm more disappointed than not when free agency is all said and done. I get there's a cap and you can't pay everyone and all of that. It's not for a lack of understanding. It's their approach. It's like they paint themselves into a corner come draft time to take a need although appearances can be misleading. I'm not in the draft room but that sure would be fun. See how they rank players, hear the conversations, just watch the process. From what I've read, they have around(ish) the 7th most cap space for 2026. Well fucking use it. Give me one impact defensive player. I don't care what position on the defense as they all need help. Make an effort not to have to devote an entire draft there. Rusty fork standing by.

I keep thinking about writing posts promoting the importance of proactivity this offseason. There’s so much to gain. But I know this franchise. I might as well stab myself in the eyeball with a rusty fork.

I swear this front office better give Risner a multi-year contract (3 years?) with some money guaranteed past the first year. If these morons offer him a 1 year deal, they are in a world of trouble next offseason with 3 Oline starters being free agents (Brown, Karras, Risner).

We are all Eva Braun.

The Bills job parallels the bengals job somewhat so it’ll be instructive to see who they get. A top level QB in his prime, owned by a family (though the Pegula family just took in some PE $$), small market. Very attractive job. One difference: they’ll likely be willing to pay serious cash for a good coach. Mike is at home designing a scheme to avoid paying the quarter for the cart rental at Aldi.

So basically Buffalo and Denver both lost and we can pencil in the winner of today’s Texans/Pats tilt as the AFC SB team. Always good to see the 9ers humiliated on national TV.

Hopefully on the way to the stadium the Patriots bus gets hit by a freight train. The few survivors make it to the stadium, but to have a full team various unknown NFL rules dictate that the owner ends up having to suit up and play. Of course the Texans defense ends up killing Robert Kraft. Then like 6 Asian massage parlors in the Boston area go out of business due to a sudden and drastic drop in revenue.

while I dont know if Tomlin's exit is a good thing or a bad thing for the Bengals, I will say that I am always glad to see a coach who sticks his foot out on the field of play to trip a kick returner, and who coaches players to be thugs, exit the league Tomlin is a thug Tomlin teaches his players to be thugs Good riddance

How they deal with Risner should give us an early read on whether anything has really changed in the FO. One of my perennial complaints about the organization is its lackadaisical approach to the offseason. Nothing ever seems urgent and even easy lay-up signings seem to take forever. This bit them in the ass last year when multiple big deals backed up into the summer and training camp because Katie couldn't be bothered to cancel her nail appointment or something. Risner should be a literal no-brainer. He should have a two-year, ~$10 million deal ($5m SB, $2m salary & bonuses in year one) from the Bengals on his kitchen table right now. I'd be willing to push it to $12-14m and throw a void year on there if necessary. But bottom line, it's an easy deal and a blip on the cap and cash spend. Latest this should be done is day -1 of FA if Risner insists on sniffing the market during the legal tampering period. And that doesn't sound like it's the case. Get this knocked out before FA and I might start to believe that all that BS Tobin spouted might actually mean something.

If the Bengals fuck this up with Risner, like they did last year, they deserve what they get. Just get the guy extended and make sure he's ready to go come OTA's. It's really not that hard to figure out.

Baltimore choked last week, and Pittsburgh ate shit this week. I am pleased.

Duke Tobin at todays news conference: Duke what needs to change a reporter asks Duke responds “Our Record” Duke Tobin “A real man of Genius”

Headline: cure for cancer has signed with the Atlanta Falcons. The Cincinnati Bengals have signed a half-bottle of extra-strength Tylenol to fill the hole.

I just received notice from B24. It looks like I will be retained as a member of Bengalszone for another year of mediocre one-liners. We’re staying the course.

The Bengals under Mike Brown have won zero (0) playoff games without Joe Burrow on the field. Offer me 15 first round picks, and I am saying no.

Let’s get both Andersons to the podium together. Pipe dream

One of the first 4 needs to be an OLT The others, yeah, defense.....but they have to be players who know about this mysterious technique called "tackling". Maybe they can teach it to the rest of the D unit

If Pitcher moves on, they're going to promote from within (barring a Callahan return). External OC candidates are going to want to call plays. I'm already mad.

Whatever his warts, Andy Dalton never fumbled a gift like Josh Allen just did in a playoff game. No, wait, he absolutely did that.

I'm silently hoping to see a Buffalo/Chicago Superbowl. I realize that might not garner much support around here outside of our affable local Bills poster, but I think it might provide the most entertaining show. Just please please please not Seahawks/Patriots again...anything but that

They're the Bengals. Will Anderson would tear his ACL in the preseason, and Derek Stingley would catch the bubonic plague on the eve of the postseason.

The weather is not suppose to be bad in Denver at all but I’m not sure if that bodes better for either team over the other. I think Buffalo needs to establish their run game and if that includes Allen then so be it. For how many sacks the Denver defense produces, something tells me he’s going to running around anyway. Win the turnover battle.

I just saw that as well. He probably needed to go back, but sucks for us.

I look at the players thought to be around the vicinity of our picks and I think they should have multiple options. This is why it simply makes more sense to lose games at the end of the year. I know teams and organizations aren't really built for the tank, but there is no joy in the dead cat bounce. NONE.

I saw that and my thought: “Figures.”

"Pretty flexible organization" ?? Who does Duke think he works for exactly? Everyone: "We need a more robust scouting department" Bengals front office: "No" "We are taking a hard look at everything we do as we approach this offseason with focused determination to build a championship-caliber roster that wins consistently" Canned response. Wash, Rinse, Repeat. Thank God, they got to the Super Bowl 5 years ago or they might have to change that up. Again, you need not look any further than Burrow and Chase. Burrow seems to like Zac as a coach and Chase was totally confused by what Zac had to say after the season. There clearly is a disconnect in that locker room as to the best direction to travel. This team has some really good players and absolutely ZERO identity. I agree with Duke... he's an idiot.

They had a little too much fun playing together.

You just love jinxing things don’t you?

Ok that

True. The idiot Brown/Blackburn family need to rationalize things. Like, they're paying Evan MacPherson more than Zac Taylor. Who's more critical to success? They can get a top coach for somewhere between BJ Hill and Orlando Brown money. That coach would have more of an impact than either of those 2 players. But, they'll just keep it status quo and count their money.

Zac panic stares at his Denny’s menu on our sideline for 4 million a year. Harbaugh won’t cross the street for that.

The Ravens just fired John Harbaugh, per Schefter. I'd fire Taylor and hire Harbaugh (or even Stefanski) in a heartbeat.

Nah I think we are on the same general wavelength. I would consider OL in the third, think swing tackle, maybe can play G in a pinch. Basically anything to get Cody Ford off the team.

Remember conversation here commenting on the franchise being “ancient” in their ways? Yes, yes and yes. This franchise can’t see the forest for the trees.

Mike: “Three years of missing the playoffs. We’re confident we’re doing things right, so no changes. We’ll do all the same things but we’ll get different results.”

I’m conflicted here. Don’t want him to get it but want Watt’s name struck from the record book. A real quandary

I will have a good hearty chortle if they spend the entire 3.5 hour broadcast talking about the sack record and he doesn't get it.

I'm watching an exciting professional football matchup between teams outside the postseason. I'm eating an exciting bowl of tomato and cucumber salad. I might take an exciting piss in a few minutes. What a Sunday.

Nothing would please me more than a big fat letdown of a loss today. Go Texans !!

Pick 6 by Jessie Bates off Stafford on Monday Night Football. Ok! 27th career pick for Bates. Who by all rights should be playing for us.

We need defensive line help. Bottom line. Draft here, draft there, free agency, etc, doesn’t matter. If we field the same level of defensive line, especially interior line, we’re doomed.

Just called Dionne Warwick's Psychic friends Hotline and they predicted that the Bengals will go 11-6 next season, give Zac Taylor an extension, and then proceed to go 8-9/9-8 in 2027 & 2028. Everybody screams fire Zac Taylor, but they wont because he will have multiple years left on his contract. I just wasted $15 on that call for something I already knew was going to happen.