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They won’t trade up because it’s too much work. They seriously don’t know what they’re doing anymore. The league has passed them by. Remember the tackled debacle? Two in one year. The useless local idiot from Clemson. First rounder Murphy who took 4 years to develop into anything. Now our most recent first rounder, from A&M? Dude got hurt and could barely contribute. The rest of the league has focused heavily on scouting and evaluating talent, both draft and FA. The Bengals still do it the old way, and they do it with the fewest people and resources. Mike can’t fall out of the Rascal and break his hip fast enough.

I just got back from the premier of “Melania”. In case you haven’t heard, it’s an insightful look into one of the greatest people of the modern age, Melania Trump. It is inspiring, and will win several Academy Awards. I was so inspired I’ve begun writing fan fiction based on the Melania movie. In my fan fiction, things take a turn for the worse after her husband dies in office. She remarries, to Trump’s oldest son. Unfortunately he turns out to be gay, and a long divorce battle ensues. Melania isn’t too bright, and she comes out of the divorce with almost nothing. Penniless, she takes a job working at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Lawrenceburg, Indiana. One day some old miser is in there insisting on using 7 expired coupons that will add up to a free 3 piece extra crispy meal. She tells him no way. The coupons are expired and you can’t use more than one at a time. The old geezer gets super pissed and threatens to call ICE. Poor Melania doesn’t know what to do so she takes the old guy into the back room where they store all the chicken frying supplies and fucks him. Well, Lawrenceburg is right across the border from Cincinnati, and the old guy turns out to be none other than Mike Brown, noted cheapskate and failed owner of the Cincinnati Bengals. They fall in love and there is a super touching scene where she asks him, is there anything you want to know about me? And he says yes how did you end up here in Lawrenceburg working at Kentucky Fried Chicken? She tells this super long sad story of being poor in Albania or wherever it was, and having to use the only thing she had, her looks, to survive. Trump was mean to her, blah blah blah. By the end they are both crying. Then he asks her, is there anything you want to know about me? And she says yes, how is it possible for you to have this many liver spits on your skin? He says “I don’t know.” The happy couple wants to marry, but Mike determines he will lose the deposit on the discount embalming service he pre-purchased for his wife, so they decide to wait for the old lady to die. In the meantime, Mike is galavanting all over town with Melania on his arm. They go to his favorite Aldi in Blue Ash, his favorite habitat for humanity used furniture store in Mason (he buys Melania a used lamp and they get a used bannister for free), and finally Mike gets a bag of onions and 3 cans of Pringles at the food pantry at the Cincinnati Center For The Blind And Visually Impaired where none of the workers recognize Mike because they’re all blind. Finally, the old lady dies, and Mike marries Melania. They have a happy life as Mike continues to destroy the Bengals franchise with his stunning incompetence. Decades pass. Melania is now in her 90s. We go to a heavy sex scene where Mike makes her dress up in her old KFC uniform and he doinks her on the floor in the garage. She thinks she might have broken her hip so they call an ambulance. While they’re waiting Melania says, “I’m almost a hundred years old, which must make you over 130. What are you?” Mike then admits that he is immortal. He tells a funny story about killing a guy in the Civil War, and admits he was there when Jesus was crucified, but claims he had nothing to do with it, he was just a bystander. He then explains that his sole purpose now was to inflict as much pain on Bengal fans as possible. Melania asks why that was his purpose, and Mike said, “no reason.” The story ends with Melania getting out of the hospital after having her hip fixed. Mike is driving her home past the stadium and a bunch of fans are having a demonstration, waving signs that say, “Sell The Team,” “Mike Brown Sucks,” and “Our Owner Is An Unholy Immortal Controlled By Satan!”. Mike laughs, then says, “I wonder if your KFC uniform will fit over that brace.”

An allegory for the Bengals entering the start of free agency.

Sounds like camp slogan analogy style !! This time I thought I might include ChatGTP to view AI thoughts on Bengals football and rusty forks to the eye. The answer: "A rusty fork in your eye is to vision what the Bengals are to football excellence: Not only does it ruin everything it touches, it leaves lasting trauma, zero improvement and somehow still shows up every season pretending this time it will be different" Jesus Christ, who knew ChatGTP was a Bengals fan ?!?!

Risner? Ha ha ha fuck no we got KENDRIC PRYOR because we got our PRYOR-orities in order, amirite fellas? Fuck oline MOAR WIDE RECEIVERS! (this post produced with assistance from MikeAI)

Gosh, I hope the Bengals can gather enough information at the combine to figure out “where things stand on the Hendrickson front.” If they really don’t grasp where they are right now with Hendrickson, after all these several years of contract re-dos and hold outs and tags, I don’t have any idea what to say. Hendrickson’s agent should be reading “The Delicate Art of Hostage Negotiation.”

*Brrrrrrt* *Brrrrrrt* *Brrrrrrt* (pickup, recorded message begins, backed by sfx of seagulls calling, waves gently brushing a shoreline) "Hi, you've reached the voicemail of Duke Tobin, fake GM of the Cincinnati Bengals. I'm out of the office enjoying a well-deserved beach break in the Bahamas and won't be returning or checking voicemail until late April. Leave a message at the beep and I'll be happy to return your call when I get back. Bye!" ROBOTIC VOICE: "This mailbox is full." Line disconnects.

Inspired. I asked ChatGPT myself. The prompt: "Please provide me with a strong and plausible plan for the current offseason that will ensure the Cincinnati Bengals finish the 2026 NFL season as the Super Bowl champions." See the response in the spoiler.

Side note, one of my military buddies hit me up right before the game and said... "New England is going to mop up tonight" and then follows that with... "I'll take them and the loser has to buy two tickets to a Bengals game of the winner's choice". I wasn't planning on going to any games next season, but free is free. Narrowed it to the Chiefs or the Bucs. Not sure yet and may wait to see how things go. Winner = this guy

Here I hopelessly claw at my computer screen, begging, screaming, "bring in Jim Schwartz, you complete morons" and the Bengals barely shift in their hibernation.

If it’s possible for Peko to do a great job and for Pittsburgh to lose every game, that’s what I’d like to see happen.

It would be so gratifying to see Kenny Anderson at the HOF induction. I’d love it.

I’m looking forward to seeing how it plays out for Trey. So much so that I put “nfl teams that need edge rushers the most” into safari. The first team AI came up with, in an obvious (but unsuccessful) attempt to troll me, was Cincy. But on our level also were the Lions and the Cowboys. Then a second level of teams needing edge help included the Eagle, Bills, Saints, and Chargers. I can’t guess if he’ll eclipse the 32 million a year we offered him, but it is my fervent hope that the Cowboys sign him so he then gets to deal with Jerra, who is basically Mike with Ozempic and a better haircut.

I remember back in the 90s every August the papers would print up their Bengals season preview issues, and they would all be filled with "why not us?" "best team ever!" "it's our year" rah-rah BS. Then preseason would start and other teams' backups would be mauling our starters and the post-game articles were litanies of excuses and "just wait until the real thing" BS. Then the season would start and they would suck again and everyone would act all fucking mystified about their suckage. Then in December they would win a couple games and it's "stay the course" "we're on the right track" next year is our year!" BS. Lather, rinse, repeat. I've been accused of living in the past when it comes to this team. Well, it's hard NOT to live in the past when it just keeps fucking happening again year after year. I don't want to hear one God damned word about how awesome they're going to be next fall. Shut up and show me.

Wow working a new deal for a solid player before it becomes a massive distraction? Wonders never cease. Risner please...

Fine you got me. I wanted to show the dog what a real man’s shit looked like and marked my territory. Mrs, Armybengal didn’t quite get it and I really lost her smearing it on the door. She was like, “Was that really necessary”? Yes honey, you clearly don’t understand why the dog is man’s best friend.

In a related note, it was so fucking cold this morning when I went outside, I accidentally took a shit on the porch…

Took my dog outside in the snow this morning and he looked at me like, “What the fuck bro” and decided to shit on the porch.

It's the same thing damn near every year Stripes. We all know they should utilize free agency to address needs and free up the draft. Sometimes they do and sometimes they don't. It seems like I'm more disappointed than not when free agency is all said and done. I get there's a cap and you can't pay everyone and all of that. It's not for a lack of understanding. It's their approach. It's like they paint themselves into a corner come draft time to take a need although appearances can be misleading. I'm not in the draft room but that sure would be fun. See how they rank players, hear the conversations, just watch the process. From what I've read, they have around(ish) the 7th most cap space for 2026. Well fucking use it. Give me one impact defensive player. I don't care what position on the defense as they all need help. Make an effort not to have to devote an entire draft there. Rusty fork standing by.

I keep thinking about writing posts promoting the importance of proactivity this offseason. There’s so much to gain. But I know this franchise. I might as well stab myself in the eyeball with a rusty fork.

I swear this front office better give Risner a multi-year contract (3 years?) with some money guaranteed past the first year. If these morons offer him a 1 year deal, they are in a world of trouble next offseason with 3 Oline starters being free agents (Brown, Karras, Risner).

We are all Eva Braun.

Bengals resign WR Kendrick Pryor to a one year deal. Just a depth piece. Whatever I guess. What about Risner ?? Can we get that done please?

Restructure?? What's that?? A new kind of toilet going in down at Paycor?

The Reds spring training starts this weekend and we are about a month away from opening day. Baseball means spring and the end of winter to me, so color me happy about that. The 2026 version of the Reds? I actually think they may be good this year and have a shot at the NL Central. Not sure they did enough, but it will be interesting to watch them play. Their starting rotation may be the best in the division and if not, it's really close. Same thing for the bullpen. This is nice to see from the Reds. The infield is pretty solid as well and they brought back Eugenio Suarez in free agency. The outfield is probably my biggest concern with the team and what they bring to the plate. That group needs to bring more in 2026 if they are going to contend. Overall I'm excited to see the season start. I will be catching the Sunday game of the opening series against the Red Sox. Let's go Reds !!

I’d give COB’s center nut for a trade up in pursuit of a major game changer like Downs.

Ok, then I up my ante to both your nuts.

Not even using them anymore anyway.

He took forever to develop. It was startling how long it took him to develop. Standard Wisdom- He’s just that type of cat, needs to play a lot to get it going. Once everyone’s favorite interview, our underpaid and under appreciated prima donna DE, tore his hip apart or whatever he did, Myles came alive! Pick up the option, await further development.

Just did a quick mock of my own to see what's what and this is how it worked out. 1st- Mansoor Delane, CB, LSU (My clear #2 if Downs is gone) 2nd- Lee Hunter, DT, Texas Tech (Older rookie at 24, but has the production you covet) 3rd- Caleb Tiernan, OT, Northwestern (Mentioned him earlier. Ideal for me here) 4th- Malachi Lawrence, DE, UCF (Really solid addition to the DE rotation in the 4th round) 5th- Nicholas Singleton, RB, Penn State (While not ideal, was simply the BPA and could spell Brown) I didn't bother with the 6th and 7th rounds at this point. Hated not seeing a safety that wouldn't have been a fairly large reach when I was on the clock. Outside of that, I would have little concerns with the above at this point. As always, subject to change.

Defense still wins championships.

I made these jalapeño poppers that had cream cheese, sharp cheddar cheese and fried pork sausage with a bacon wrap. Fucking amazing !!

Best SB halftime show for me is, of course, Prince.

Reporter: “Mike, your thoughts on this year’s Super Bowl?” Mike Brown: “We owners just got the memo from the league on how much it’s going to cost us to have Bugs Bunny do the halftime show. It’s an outrage! For half that we could have everyone’s favorite, Up With People, back to do a good old family variety show.” /Shakes liver spotted fist at an uncaring universe/

It really makes me feel good to see the stars on this team speak up. They know the defense needs to get help and didn’t stop there naming names to target and even suggesting trades. Thanks Ja’Marr and Tee !! https://www.si.com/nfl/bengals/onsi/allbengals-insiders-plus/ja-marr-chase-and-tee-higgins-name-two-stars-bengals-should-trade-for-this-offseason-01kgnc59sbna

Yes, nothing would please me more than seeing Kenny finally get into the Hall. The amount of disrespect for Kenny's game is staggering. While he might actually only be good enough for the Hall of Very Good, the same could be said for other Hall of Fame QB's that just happened to play on better all around teams. Had the Bengals won Super Bowl XVI, Kenny would have been a lock. They're saying he's not worthy and because he couldn't win that one game? Just silly.

Dude they have a cordon blue calzone that you can’t get at the other Mio’s and if you like cordon blue you won’t be disappointed.

You think? I don't know honestly. Man I use to read muscle mags and supplemented like a mad man when I was in the Army. There was a 5 year period of time, where I devoted any free time to lifting and I was super cut up. That lifestyle was not only too hard to maintain, but I felt like crap being that shredded, but in my 20's the chicks dug it sooooooo. I don't read anything or keep up with any of it any more. I'm only 5 pounds heavier now than I was when I retired in 2011 and have had my ups and downs with my weight and exercising. About 2 years ago, I got back in the habit of exercising daily, but simply don't take it seriously. Push ups have always come easy to me and between those and squats, I hit a lot of muscle groups. Thanks COB, nice to know I'm doing better than the average bear.

Physical Hungry Accountable Teammate "Who will give their all to get the job done"? Still just one of the all time worst things I've ever seen put on a wall to motivate people. I don't know what's worse. The saying or the person who is actually motivated by that. We went from the 80's with posters of half naked chicks to this shit as a motivator. What the fuck happened?

It's just like the camp reports and how so and so has been torching players at every turn around. Yeah, running around in shorts at half speed with no pads. Amazing. Nothing gives you a better idea of what week 1 will look like than that. After free agency and the draft are done for the Bengals, wake me when it's September this year.

Kim Wood. Mike loved him. And based on that article, a lot of players loved him. I know it is bad form to criticize the recently deceased, so I won’t criticize Kim Wood, I’ll just spit straight facts! Kim Wood oversaw the strength program of an NFL franchise that historically, year after year, just wasn’t strong enough. The Bengals were overmatched physically during this dude’s tenure, and it never changed. And I know why. In no way am I an expert on weight training, but I’ve been lifting weights since I was 12. In that time I’ve read numerous books and tried various methods and protocols. (Currently back to doing 3 sets of ten reps on compound lifts, also still doing 5x5 when I’m feeling particularly good). In the mid to late 80s I came across a book that promoted the one set to failure concept. The claim was that instead of 3-6 sets of a lift (conventional wisdom) all you needed to build strength and muscle was one set, done to failure. Kim Wood was quoted extensively, and he stated that he had implemented this protocol with the Cincinnati Bengals and it worked great. There were pictures of bengals players working out, and as I recall most were on Wood’s Hammer Strength machines. The logic, as explained in the book, was that muscle growth is a result of microscopic tears in muscle fibers that occur from heavy stress on said muscle. Woods logic was that it is provable that one set to failure (he recommended ten reps, failing on tenth rep) caused said microscopic tears, so that’s all that was needed. The part about microscopic tears is true. Heavy lifting causes micro tears. But the one set thing? Absolutely ridiculous, and a monumental failure. I tried it for a couple months. The time and effort savings appealed to me. I didn’t get any stronger, I started regressing. The pump that you got from those one set workouts was a joke compared to a normal workout. Kim Wood was a great promoter. He was involved very early on with Nautilus machines. He saw the financial side of machines, and subsequently founded Hammer Strength, manufacturing and selling his machines. The Bengals went all in on his one set philosophy and his hammer strength machines. The results? I think we all remember our teams being labeled soft, watching our linemen get blown off the ball, and our teams just consistently losing the physical battle. And today? NFL weight rooms are filled with free weights, though some machines are included. The primary lifts, squats, deadlifts, arm work, all done with free weights. The one set to failure concept is, to the best of my knowledge, completely debunked and not followed by anyone. To play in the nfl you need mass, you need weight. No one is putting on any appreciable muscle doing one set. Kim Wood may be a great guy who was beloved by his employers and his pupils. But he was, by any objective assessment, a complete bust as a strength coach. And now you know… the rest of the story!

I took a look at ESPN's top 50 free agents. Granted, many may not get a chance to see the market, but it's fun to consider. DON'T GET ME WRONG. I am not thinking any top tier guy is signed. I would love pulling Center Tyler Linderbaum from the Ravens. That would solve the Center position for the next 4 years while hurting the Ravens at the same time. Speaking of the Ravens, their former DE Odafe Oweh was traded and did well for the Chargers. Depending on what happens with Trey, this guy would be on my list. CB Riq Woolen might not be the best CB in the league, but he would be an upgrade to that unit. Turner, Hill and Woolen would be a nice set at the position. Outside of those three, there are a bunch of other intriguing players that could certainly improve the roster. I really want to be excited about the 2026 Bengals and free agency would be a great starting point.

Right now I’m leaning toward OT or DB at 10. Don’t trust any of the DL or edge guys likely to be there. LB is ok (Styles probably) but would rather address that in FA if possible. Already too much youth at that spot. Downs still on top of my wish list, after that CB or OT.

Seems like Harold Perkins has been in college for like 10 years. He is intriguing and don't think size concerns the Bengals. Perkins is 6'1 Knight is 6'2 and Carter is 6'0. Seeing as how I don't think much of our depth, a linebacker wouldn't bother me. I could just as easily see them go LB in the first few rounds. Like I said, give me all of the first 4 picks for the defense.

I’m not buying the “accidental” nature of this incident.

I saw Mel's mock draft and yes, Downs is easily my target for the Bengals. It's not that I don't like other players there, but I think Downs would make the most impact. If Downs is gone by #10, I would really like to see a trade down and pick up an extra pick along the way. I think there is going to be starter quality players at positions of need in the 3rd round. Yes please.

Yeah, and that probably speaks volumes to why Burrow really likes Zac. He gives him the latitude to be able to make adjustments as he sees them. People just are so change averse it can work to their disadvantage and them not even be aware.

I am just sitting back patiently waiting to see what they do in free agency. They have got to do something, anything to address the concerns on the defensive side of the ball. Sadly, I just don't have a lot of faith in them to do that. Please prove me wrong Bengals. A plate of crow would be welcomed.

Chargers to hire Mike McDaniel as Offensive Coordinator. Props to them. They're willing to open their wallets and pay an Offensive Coordinator more than the Bengals pay their Head Coach. They're trying not to waste any more of Justin Herbert's years. Brown family take note...

That was a great game, but it ended the way I thought it would. Everyone (including my Buckeyes) slept on the Hoosiers damn near all year. Outside of last year's Natty for the Buckeyes, that was about as pleasing as it gets. Great coach, great QB, great players, just a great team. Fun game to watch and happy for everyone associated with the University. Only 1 time has 1 conference won the National Championship 4 times in a row with 4 different teams. The SEC with LSU(2007), Florida(2008), Alabama(2009) and Auburn(2010). Not part of the Big 10 until recently: Oregon and USC could be in the mix. That kind of stuff always intrigued me. Happy for Indiana and the Big 10 today !!