COB

Bill’s UNC team looks a lot like the last few years of the Patriots.

That would be incredible.

4 minutes and 55 seconds into the first quarter, Jordan appears.

This is an absolute outrage and I demand that the President of Bengalszone erases this blasphemous attack on Jordan (first name basis, her and me).

Ok tonight is the debut of Bill Belichick coaching North Carolina. It’s on the tube, they’re 3.5 point underdogs to TCU. Can Bill adjust to the college game? Will modern day kids play hard for this old school taskmaster? Who gives a fuck? The only thing that matters in this game is Jordan Hudson, Bill’s completely hot piece of ass 24 year old girlfriend and how much of her tits she’ll put on display for the nationwide tv audience of over the hill doofuses like us. Yes, Bill is like 50 years older than her, and yes, her previous boyfriend was some 64 year old rich guy, but did I mention that Jordan has amazing tits that she’ll undoubtedly flaunt on tv tonight? The media needs to lay off our Jordan. She has essentially set herself up with a sweet NIL deal based on her world class ability to somehow shut off 99.9% of her brain function at will, allowing her to ride some crusty old fossil from the Cretaceous period. Jordan Hudson - American Hero. Bill Bellichick - A Slurry Pit of Cells Underneath Above-Referenced American Hero.

Buckeyes win, Texas just has too many penalties and the manning kid was quite inaccurate.

Inadequate lips, excess dental involvement. PASS.

Incredible contract. they must have a ton of confidence in Micah. You give that much money up front to a player, he can pretty much do and say whatever he wants. It’s mind boggling.

Old black hoodie with the leaping tiger logo on it. I also have a white Burrow Jersey but I don’t wear it often, maybe one game a year. Also have two other bengals hoodies I mix in, the B and the tiger head.

Volson goes from starter to getting cut.

See how playing in the nfl can give you brain damage?

The Brown family will not have any more drama with Trey. He’s gone after this year. There is no scenario wherein they try to sign him again. 1. Plays well this year: he’ll be in line for a multi year deal for serious $$, Fair amount of it guaranteed. That is a non starter! 2. Doesn’t play well this year: he’s old and they don’t want him.

Guardians have lost their last three games by a combined score of 24-0. That is all.

Browns are rolling the dice. If Flacco gets hurt, they’ll be starting a rookie or pulling that sex massage guy off the couch. That owner is possibly the worst owner in sports.

Trivia: I had a sandwich called the Payton Thorne at an East Lansing eatery a few years ago.

Trey finally betting on himself and we only had to pay him 30 million to get him to do it. What a hero.

They’ll be looking for competent o-linemen. As always. Semi competent will probably be good enough.

One may be a little underpaid playing for the Bengals. But it’s a trade off. Because in your later years you can have a career in the cottage industry that can best be described as shitting all over the Brown family any time they try to do anything. Current iteration: Boomer gets invited to ring of honor ceremony, but nothing about the event is good enough. So in the media he mocks the invite. With friends/former players like this, who needs enemies?

We better do well the first four weeks. Weeks 5-7 are Lions, Packers, Steelers. That’s a pretty serious stretch right there, would love to win 2 of those.

Volson could fall off a bridge and I wouldn’t care.

Supposedly Golden’s method was to simplify the whole defense, minimize thinking and decision making, which would allow guys to play faster. We should expect growing pains, if that’s what we’re seeing. If you listened to the pregame last night there was a theme of once Washington realized they finally had a franchise QB, they went out and loaded up on good players. That’s AFTER they made the nfc championship game. They almost couldn’t be more different from the Bengals. We had one of the worst defenses in the NFL and the FO did very very little to improve the personnel. New DC, the easiest and cheapest fix was admittedly implemented. DC has a new and apparently deep-pocketed owner. We have Mike, very much stuck in his ways and looking to run things on a shoestring.

Patrick got benched. He may just be further over the hill than previously believed. Back to the lab.

I was under the impression our offensive starters were playing the whole first half, but now I understand it will only be the first quarter. It makes these games so much more interesting to see the starters play even a few series. Trey situation: The requirement that guaranteed money be put in escrow is going to royally screw us going forward. The Brown family doesn’t want to do it, they may not even have the $$ laying around, and it just generally is one of the worst developments in recent history for our front office. The real irony here is that Mike has always tried to be such a stand up guy that signing a deal with him usually meant you were getting paid the whole thing. We have a million examples of guys who under-performed their contracts and fucking Eagle Scout Mike Brown not only pays the whole thing, but the player will have his playing time protected. His reward for all that? Nothing. The league and players are in 2025 not 1958. Trey outplays his deal and immediately starts his holdout charade. It’s gross.

Week 1 broadcast, Bengals vs Browns: Daryl “Moose” Johnson: “We’re moments away from kickoff and we just got the news Bengals fans have been waiting for, Trey Hendrickson signed a new deal. Thirty nine million dollars for this season, and added a year to his current deal, that’s all we know. Our sideline reporter has Trey on the sidelines, take it away Allison Williams!” Allison Williams: “I’m here with Trey Hendrickson, he’s suited up and ready to take the field here in about one minute. Trey, you just signed your new contract five minutes ago. Are you looking forward to getting back with the team?” Trey Hendrickson: “It’s been an incredible run, these last five minutes I’ve had with my teammates. I’ll never forget these last five minutes. But I have to look out for my family. Everyone knows I’m terribly underpaid. I’m announcing now, I’m holding out for a new deal, starting now.” Allison: “What? You just signed five minutes ago.” Trey: “What an incredible five minutes I had with my teammates under this last deal. But my wife and I can’t even have a baby under this terrible deal. Cut to an ESPN talk show please.” Allison: “What? We’re on Fox. Aren’t you going to play even one game?” Trey: “I have to get off this perpetual treadmill of play a year, hold out, play a year, hold out, etc. So that’s what I’m doing, I’m holding out right now. I’d like to be interviewed by Pat McAfee now please.” Allison: “Your defense is taking the field in 30 seconds. We’re on Fox. Are you seriously not playing today?” Trey: “Thanks Pat, you are so right, I’m massively underpaid and everyone agrees I deserve a new deal.” Allison: “I’m not Pat McAfee, I’m Allison Williams.” Trey: “Thanks Pat. First of all, I’d like everyone to know that I’m simply guided by Jesus in all matters. Jesus would never play without guaranteed money in year three. That’s from the Bible.” Allison: “What?” Trey: “Thanks Pat. It’s from the Book of Javarius, Chapter 12, Verse something or other. I love Cincinnati so much, this holdout is tearing me apart inside. I don’t want to be a distraction. All I want to do is play football and be with my teammates. Pat, I’m available for any espn talk show these next several weeks.”

Guardians stumbling, and not a good time to be doing so.