COB Posted January 31 Report Posted January 31 I just got back from the premier of “Melania”. In case you haven’t heard, it’s an insightful look into one of the greatest people of the modern age, Melania Trump. It is inspiring, and will win several Academy Awards. I was so inspired I’ve begun writing fan fiction based on the Melania movie. In my fan fiction, things take a turn for the worse after her husband dies in office. She remarries, to Trump’s oldest son. Unfortunately he turns out to be gay, and a long divorce battle ensues. Melania isn’t too bright, and she comes out of the divorce with almost nothing. Penniless, she takes a job working at a Kentucky Fried Chicken in Lawrenceburg, Indiana. One day some old miser is in there insisting on using 7 expired coupons that will add up to a free 3 piece extra crispy meal. She tells him no way. The coupons are expired and you can’t use more than one at a time. The old geezer gets super pissed and threatens to call ICE. Poor Melania doesn’t know what to do so she takes the old guy into the back room where they store all the chicken frying supplies and fucks him. Well, Lawrenceburg is right across the border from Cincinnati, and the old guy turns out to be none other than Mike Brown, noted cheapskate and failed owner of the Cincinnati Bengals. They fall in love and there is a super touching scene where she asks him, is there anything you want to know about me? And he says yes how did you end up here in Lawrenceburg working at Kentucky Fried Chicken? She tells this super long sad story of being poor in Albania or wherever it was, and having to use the only thing she had, her looks, to survive. Trump was mean to her, blah blah blah. By the end they are both crying. Then he asks her, is there anything you want to know about me? And she says yes, how is it possible for you to have this many liver spits on your skin? He says “I don’t know.” The happy couple wants to marry, but Mike determines he will lose the deposit on the discount embalming service he pre-purchased for his wife, so they decide to wait for the old lady to die. In the meantime, Mike is galavanting all over town with Melania on his arm. They go to his favorite Aldi in Blue Ash, his favorite habitat for humanity used furniture store in Mason (he buys Melania a used lamp and they get a used bannister for free), and finally Mike gets a bag of onions and 3 cans of Pringles at the food pantry at the Cincinnati Center For The Blind And Visually Impaired where none of the workers recognize Mike because they’re all blind. Finally, the old lady dies, and Mike marries Melania. They have a happy life as Mike continues to destroy the Bengals franchise with his stunning incompetence. Decades pass. Melania is now in her 90s. We go to a heavy sex scene where Mike makes her dress up in her old KFC uniform and he doinks her on the floor in the garage. She thinks she might have broken her hip so they call an ambulance. While they’re waiting Melania says, “I’m almost a hundred years old, which must make you over 130. What are you?” Mike then admits that he is immortal. He tells a funny story about killing a guy in the Civil War, and admits he was there when Jesus was crucified, but claims he had nothing to do with it, he was just a bystander. He then explains that his sole purpose now was to inflict as much pain on Bengal fans as possible. Melania asks why that was his purpose, and Mike said, “no reason.” The story ends with Melania getting out of the hospital after having her hip fixed. Mike is driving her home past the stadium and a bunch of fans are having a demonstration, waving signs that say, “Sell The Team,” “Mike Brown Sucks,” and “Our Owner Is An Unholy Immortal Controlled By Satan!”. Mike laughs, then says, “I wonder if your KFC uniform will fit over that brace.” 3 Quote
Stripes Posted February 1 Report Posted February 1 Burrow is in the Pro Bowl now. "Woo." It's a complete clown show, but maybe nobody remembers the details when Burrow is up for the HOF, and they're counting his accolades. Quote
COB Posted February 1 Report Posted February 1 Why isn’t Browning in the Pro Bowl? Make it all bengals 2025 QBs. Quote
ArmyBengal Posted February 2 Report Posted February 2 Why is the Pro Bowl still a thing at all? Make it like being named an All Pro. Name the Pro Bowl teams and move on. Nothing to see here. It's become a complete joke, but hey, lets not take the opportunity away from the NFL to squeeze every last nickel out of something. 1 Quote
COB Posted February 2 Report Posted February 2 It’s turning into sort of a Battle of the Network Stars except with world class athletes on PEDs. Quote
ArmyBengal Posted February 4 Report Posted February 4 For the first time in a while, I'm actually intrigued by the Super Bowl. These two teams are far removed from the days of Tom Brady and Russell Wilson. I really like Mike Vrabel as a coach and what he was able to do with the team in his first year there. Likewise, Sam Darnold's journey and backstory with teams writing him off is a feel good story as well. Drafted by the Jets, then to the Panthers, Niners, and Vikings before ending up in Seattle. Both teams also have players I really like as well: I love seeing former Buckeye Jaxon Smith-Njigba get there. Dude's been killing it since high school. Cooper Kupp coming over from the Rams and getting to another Super Bowl. I also see a lot of players on that Seattle defense I really liked coming out of college. Drake Maye really took off this year as well for the Patriots. I didn't see this season coming for him. Former Buckeye TreVeyon Henderson has had a great rookie season and I'm happy for him as well. Stefon Diggs had a good season coming back from injury and I like WR Kayshon Boutte as well. Just like Seattle, a lot of guys on defense I liked coming out of college. I will be rooting for the Seahawks, but really won't care either way in the grand scheme of things. Quote
COB Posted February 6 Report Posted February 6 Reporter: “Mike, your thoughts on this year’s Super Bowl?” Mike Brown: “We owners just got the memo from the league on how much it’s going to cost us to have Bugs Bunny do the halftime show. It’s an outrage! For half that we could have everyone’s favorite, Up With People, back to do a good old family variety show.” /Shakes liver spotted fist at an uncaring universe/ 1 Quote
Stripes Posted February 6 Report Posted February 6 30 minutes ago, COB said: Reporter: “Mike, your thoughts on this year’s Super Bowl?” Mike Brown: “We owners just got the memo from the league on how much it’s going to cost us to have Bugs Bunny do the halftime show. It’s an outrage! For half that we could have everyone’s favorite, Up With People, back to do a good old family variety show.” /Shakes liver spotted fist at an uncaring universe/ I never considered it until now, but I bet Mike was behind that horrific magic show halftime in Super Bowl XXIII. Quote
HoosierCat Posted February 6 Author Report Posted February 6 6 minutes ago, Stripes said: I never considered it until now, but I bet Mike was behind that horrific magic show halftime in Super Bowl XXIII. Elvis Presto! Quote
ArmyBengal Posted February 6 Report Posted February 6 Honestly, I don't know anything about the halftime show this year, except some people are upset by it. I don't know any of the songs or care about entertainers thoughts on any matters. Sing your songs, entertain, hope everyone enjoys it and move the fuck on. I'm here for the football. Quote
Coltsguy451 Posted February 8 Report Posted February 8 Best SB halftime show for me is, of course, Prince. 1 Quote
Coltsguy451 Posted February 8 Report Posted February 8 On 2/6/2026 at 7:11 AM, ArmyBengal said: Sing your songs, entertain, hope everyone enjoys it and move the fuck on. I'm here for the football. "Sing that song you bitch..." 1 Quote
COB Posted February 8 Report Posted February 8 Prince did put on a transcendent show. Loved it. Quote
COB Posted February 8 Report Posted February 8 I’m prepping for the Super Bowl /receives service of trademark lawsuit from the NFL/ by eating a pound of ground turkey, a baked potato, and a can of beets. 1 Quote
ArmyBengal Posted February 9 Report Posted February 9 I made these jalapeño poppers that had cream cheese, sharp cheddar cheese and fried pork sausage with a bacon wrap. Fucking amazing !! 1 Quote
HoosierCat Posted February 9 Author Report Posted February 9 Defense still wins championships. 1 Quote
COB Posted February 9 Report Posted February 9 Great defenses are fun to watch. Specifically I really enjoyed watching Seattle and Houston play defense this year. I watched the bengals play defense this year. Quote
ArmyBengal Posted February 9 Report Posted February 9 When I was in the Army, playing Spades was taken pretty seriously and the shit talk was constant. One thing that always amused me was when I heard someone ask... "Do you play Spades, or are you a Spades PLAYER?" That's how I view Houston's and Seattle's defense compared to the Bengals. Quote
ArmyBengal Posted February 9 Report Posted February 9 Side note, one of my military buddies hit me up right before the game and said... "New England is going to mop up tonight" and then follows that with... "I'll take them and the loser has to buy two tickets to a Bengals game of the winner's choice". I wasn't planning on going to any games next season, but free is free. Narrowed it to the Chiefs or the Bucs. Not sure yet and may wait to see how things go. Winner = this guy 1 1 Quote
ArmyBengal Posted February 9 Report Posted February 9 Speaking of which, Jason Myers got screwed. Should have been the MVP of the Super Bowl. But can't have a kicker earn that honor. Kick 5 FG's, setting the record for FG's in a Super Bowl? Nope. Carry the team on your back, accounting for all scoring until the 4th quarter? Nope. Solely accounted for 17 of the 29 points scored in the whole game? Nope. Let's give it to the RB who, while running for 135 yards, didn't score a single point or break a record. Sounds reasonable. Personally, I think they should be able to give the award to a whole unit, like the Seahawks defense. However, Myers got shafted. No two ways about it. I'm sure he's happy they won, but somewhere in the back of his head, you know he's thinking to himself... WHAT THE FUCK !?!? 1 Quote
HoosierCat Posted February 9 Author Report Posted February 9 Ya, Myers was definitely the MVP. He was Seattle's whole offense for most of the game and was rock-solid in a year when big missed kicks were a running theme. But giving it to him would only have emphasized what a lousy game it was. If the Andy Dalton Bengals had ever gotten to a Super Bowl, I expect they would have looked a lot like the Patsies did last night. On the plus side, we can now pack the 2025 NFL season up in a nice box, stick it on one of Musk's rockets and yeet it into the sun where it belongs. Quote
ArmyBengal Posted February 9 Report Posted February 9 Yep, on to 2026. Bring on free agency and the draft !! Please Bengals, give me a reason to be thrilled about the 2026 season. Quote
Coltsguy451 Posted February 10 Report Posted February 10 Schadenfreude Yes, I had to Google the proper spelling That wonderful German sensation that I'm feeling right now Patriots organization and fans have NOT suffered long enough for my liking There are other German sensations I've felt that we shan't delve into here now... Quote
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