Stripes

Sounds good to me. Sitting out the postseason sucks. I expect Buffalo to continue dog-walking their division.

What an annoying offseason. It’s just been constant irritation about something. Chase/Higgins. Trey. Hamilton County. Kind of a weird draft. Another TNF game in Baltimore. Stewart’s contract. At least the first one is resolved. Sheesh.

Fitting that the first object I see advertised is a belt folded to look just like a penis.

They'd better do something with it.

The choice has never been tougher. They should probably expand the list at this point. If I still had a vote, I'd probably go with... Lemar Parrish Reggie Williams at least if I spent no more than five minutes thinking about it

If the $28 million offer is accurate, that's slightly in low-ball territory. It's not terrible, but I was hoping to see a 3 in that first digit.

Let's see... L W1 at CLE This certainly shouldn't be a loss, but I am not picking a week one win against any opponent until Zac Taylor proves he can prepare a winning game plan for the opener. He did win once (2021 vs. MIN), but only in overtime. He has never won in week one in regulation as a head coach. W W2 vs JAX Now I'm just being a fool. No 0-2 start??? Jacksonville shouldn't be treated as pushovers, but I think this matchup will be just what the doctor ordered. Burrow will elevate against his premier collegiate QB and #1 overall pick competition. L W3 at MIN JJ McCarthy is basically a rookie QB, and this will be his opportunity to look like he has been in the league for a decade. Al Golden has never demonstrated he has the rookie QB illness that so many Bengals DCs before him have suffered, but I am just going to take it for granted that the illness continues. W W4 at DEN MNF The fans are down on the team with another weak start underway and fully expect this road loss. The Bengals show up and win handily under the lights, reminding everyone that even when things look shitty they can win any week with Burrow at QB. L W5 vs DET The defense gets its ass handed to them in a really bad matchup. The Lions offensive line does whatever it wants. This ends up being the Bengals' worst loss of the season. W W6 at GB The Bengals continue to ride the see-saw and also hold true to an old meme: seeming more competent on the road than at home. Jordan Love can't keep up with Burrow and throws a couple picks. W W7 vs PIT TNF Finally, we get consecutive wins. The Steelers should never be underestimated, but the Bengals handle business at home under the lights in an ugly, low-scoring win. W W8 vs NYJ One cannot help hearing the ghostly whispers of Mike White here even if he is no longer a Jet. Still, the Bengals are able to mount enough offense that the Jets cannot keep pace. W W9 vs CHI Four in a row. Things are looking up heading into the bye. However, this game also introduces as many concerns as it answers questions. It's a wild shootout like the Bengals lost so many of in 2024, but this time the Bears out-Bear the Bengals and lose. W10 BYE L W11 at PIT I don't think I can pick a sweep over Pittsburgh. Strangely, I would feel better about that if they do get Aaron Rodgers. The Mason Rudolph scrub QB types bring that dark magic mojo that scares me irrationally. W W12 vs NE We're not losing at home to this team in consecutive seasons. Fuck you. L W13 at BAL TNF Ugh. Enjoy your turkey. This is the schedule's biggest load of bullshit (again), and the home team tends to win in primetime AFC North games. Lamar elevates against Burrow as much as Burrow against Lamar. L W14 at BUF This feels like another bad matchup for the defense, though for different reasons than the Lions game. This time, the Bengals inconsistent or anemic pass rush really hurts them. Josh Allen feasts both on the ground and through the air and wins the shootout. W W15 vs BAL Much needed division win late in the season to feel better about this team's playoff prospects. The defense is starting to round into form at the end of the season, especially in the division matchups, and Burrow feasts. This ends up a surprisingly comfortable win. W W16 at MIA SNF I don't know if this will still be on SNF by the time we get here. If it is, I think it's fair to expect offense. Burrow, Chase, and Higgins have a little more to offer than Tua, Hill, and Waddle. W W17 vs ARI The Cardinals could be feisty and annoying. This is when Burrow teams play at their best, however, and they should have a solid advantage at home. W W18 vs CLE The Bengals help Cleveland lock up a top three overall draft pick. Looks like that's 11-6, which feels okay to me. I'm showing 3-3 in division games, splitting with everyone. That's probably a wild card berth. I'm sure this was a pointless exercise. I'd like to say "I'll see how this looks when the season ends", but I won't remember that.

3-3

The Eagles definitely do not have "a lot less talent". That is probably the most talented roster in the NFL.

Weeks 13-15 are brutal and will probably make or break the season. Two divisional TNF games is hot bullshit.

W1 at CLE W2 vs JAX W3 at MIN W4 at DEN MNF W5 vs DET W6 at GB W7 vs PIT TNF W8 vs NYJ W9 vs CHI W10 BYE W11 at PIT W12 vs NE W13 at BAL TNF W14 at BUF W15 vs BAL W16 at MIA SNF W17 vs ARI W18 vs CLE

I like that. Maybe a difficult opening week forces them to wake up. Granted, that wouldn’t save a shitty game plan.

I struggle to be too critical of the Bengals on this one. why won’t you immediately and enthusiastically extend the player with a pay raise you already extended with a pay raise once before only for him to complain about it It sucks A LOT, because the man is a first team all-pro. We may not get another one of those at his position for two decades.

I visited Madrid once when I was stationed in the UK. It's well worth a visit. The Prado Museum is really cool.

Just ready to see who gets two free wins with the 0-2 start.