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Mel Kper loves himself some Ravens/Bengals drafts


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Took a look back and he has been very kind to the Ravens and Bengals post draft grades:


2012 - A-

2013 - A-

2014 - B

2015 - B+

2016 - A-



2012 - B

2013 - A-

2014 - B

2015 - A-

2016 - A

Although I think Mel maybe a little bit homerish towards the Ravens.   Their results post Superbowl run haven't been that great. 

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We go to a strip club in downtown Baltimore:


Announcer -  “Hello everyone, and welcome to The Crystal Klub!  We’ve got a very special treat for you tonight.  It’s our once a year, Crystal Klub Review!!  As we do annually, we’ve assembled the hottest dancers from all 7 Crystal Klub locations, and for your enjoyment they’ll all be onstage tonight!  As always, manning the microphone and giving us a review of each girl will be the owner of all 7 Crystal Klub locations.  You probably know him from ESPN and the NFL draft, let’s give it up for Mr. Crystal Klub himself, Mel Kiper Jr.!”

Mel sits at the emcee table.  His hairspray game is tight, as the helmet pompadour looks killer.  Tinted prescription glasses hide his eyes.  Bland $200 suit drapes across his shoulders in such a fashion that four words come to mind: low level organized crime. 

Mel Kiper Jr. – “All right, ladies and gentlemen, thanks for coming out tonight, as you do every year.  These 7 ladies are the hottest at their respective locations.  They’re the best of the best.  We’ll get right to it, we’ll see them all now, then later they’ll all be performing.  Please tip your bartenders and wait staff.   

First out on the stage tonight, please welcome Lexus!  Lexus comes to us from a series of broken homes.  Her loss of innocence is our gain!  She shakes her ass at the Inner Harbor location, just off Key Highway by that big Purina Dog Chow billboard.  You can’t miss it.  You also can’t miss Lexus’ giant rear!  She’s not a finesse player, let’s put it that way.  She’s a decleater.  She’s got pancake ability, take that as you may.  Thanks, Lexus!

Next up we’ve got Jade!  Jade has been working for years at our Charles Street location.  Give it up for Jade!  She’s 5 feet, 10 inches, 135 pounds.  She’s elusive, as I learned when I tried to “interview” her before we hired her.  She’s not a primary option, as you can see, she’s more of a check-down.  I had a third round grade on Jade, then as we all know she had a little brush with the law.  She hit a customer in the head with a high heel shoe, and he turned out to be a City Councilman.  So she’s a priority free agent now due to character concerns.  Who am I kidding, they all have character concerns, thank god.  But Jade’s really out there.  Hell, I don’t mind shelling out a little hush money.  Thanks Jade!

Next up, give a big Crystal Klub welcome to Diamond!  Diamond dances at our Locust Point location.  As you can see, Diamond has high first round written all over her.  She checks all the boxes – killer bod, molested by not just 1, but 2 stepdads, slight drug problem, and on top of all that she’s just a bit crazed!  Give it up for Diamond!!  Also guys, just a friendly warning, try not to make eye contact with Diamond, not a good idea.

Whoa!  Look who we have here!  Big hand for Laylah, she dances at our Fell’s Point Crystal Klub, the second one I opened!  Little aside here, I lied my ass off to the bank when I applied for a loan to open that thing.  It’s all good, we killed it and paid off the loan early.  Another little aside, most of the value in my Crystal Klub chain is actually in the real estate!  Speaking of real estate, check out the gigantic boobs on Laylah!  You could just go multiple family on those things.  Take them condo.  Laylah is a franchise player, she’s been with us for years and has basically made the Fell’s Point club a success.  She’s instinctive, she’s a long strider, and you can leave her on an island and she’ll perform.  Give it up for Laylah!

Hey folks, big hand for Sapphire!  She dances at our Federal Hill location, if you’ve never been there it’s sort of hidden behind the High’s Dairy Store on 14th street, look for our neon sign kind of beside and back a bit from the street.  OK, I’ll keep this brief.  Sapphire has loose hips for a rookie, and she’ll open holes for you.  Nobody tell my wife I said that.  Or that we employ Sapphire.  Thanks Sapphire!  Love you babe!

Hey, look who just took the stage.  From our Cross Keys location, give a big Crystal Klub welcome to London!  Holy crap, check out London’s body!  In a world of freak bodies, London’s stands out!  Like a young Lynda Carter!  Am I dating myself here?  London has an English accent, but she’s from Hardy County, West Virginia.  What, London?  People weren’t supposed to know that?  Blimey!  I let the cat out of the satchel or whatever they call it over there.  London can be a hot receiver, but be careful because she has quite a hand punch.  Just ask Chet, the DJ over at Cross Keys.  He had a black eye for like two weeks!  Go, London!  She’s a mauler, guys, that’s fair warning!  Give it up for London!

Finally, last but not least, from our original location right here in Downtown Baltimore, give a wonderful Crystal Klub welcome to Hurricane Sandy!!  Hurricane Sandy’s been with us since the beginning.  Talk about the “It factor.”  She got us a ton of free publicity when she tried to get into the Guinness Book of World Records for most consecutive stripper dances to “Bootylicious” by Beyonce’.  She didn’t get in, but the Guinness guy came out to the club about 15 times to do “research,” as he called it.  And the Sun kept writing articles about it like every other time he came out.  We knocked it out of the park that first year, thanks to Hurricane Sandy!  She’s tough in the box, and supposedly she’s got ball skills, though I wouldn’t know.  She’s got a great burst, has lateral mobility, and she can sink her butt and anchor.  Sandy, you know we all love you, and I want to publicly express my gratitude, and again, I’ll seriously have that step-brother of yours killed if you want me to.  No questions asked.  Give it up guys, for Hurricane Sandy!!


Thanks again for coming out, everyone!  Please enjoy the rest of your night!!”

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