SI Ranks Dalton 20th for 2015

[COB]

Well, to be fair to Eli Manning, that Sporting News article cited above was from July of 2008.

Eli Manning has won two Super Bowls. He defeated the mighty New England Patriots in both. In both the Giants trailed at halftime.

In both games Eli Manning lead the Giants on a late, game-winning drive.

He’s a two time Super Bowl MVP, which puts him in the elite company of the only other QBs to win multiple MVPs: Bart Starr, Joe Montana, Terry Bradshaw, and Tom Brady.

Not certain why Eli Manning, a clutch QB, a proven champion, is being criticized to somehow deflect attention from our quarterback issues.

If anyone is harboring any delusions that Dalton is somehow improving or learning, here's an SI article from last season, http://www.si.com/nfl/2014/11/11/cincinnati-bengals-andy-dalton?page=2&devicetype=default

author's note: If you don't want to read the article, I'll summarize it with a sentence from the article itself - "The mind reels when reviewing Dalton's 2014 body of work."

The All-22: A franchise QB? Andy Dalton is regressing in every facet

BY DOUG FARRAR

Twitter Email

Posted: Wed Nov. 12, 2014

It was perhaps the worst day for a quarterback who could ill-afford any more bad ones. When Andy Dalton of the Bengals faced off against the Browns defense on Thursday, Nov. 6, he proved unable to do anything well, completing just 10-of-33 passes for 86 yards, no touchdowns and three interceptions. Not that quarterback rating is the be-all/end-all when it comes to reflecting quarterback performance (far from it), but Dalton's 2.0 rating in the game tells you quite a bit. Dalton registered career-lows in completion percentage, passing yards and rating, and had few answers after a performance that led to a 24-3 loss, and Cincinnati's fall to a 5-3-1 record. It was, according to Pro Football Reference, the worst game for any quarterback with at least 30 passing attempts since 1983.

"I deserve it. It all starts with me," Dalton said, when asked who was at fault for the abysmal home loss. “It all goes through the quarterback. I have to play better to put our team in position to win the game.”

First-year offensive coordinator Hue Jackson, who had Dalton on a career-high pace in passer rating, yards per attempt and completion percentage after Cincinnati's first three games, refuses to bail on Dalton, who he believes is the long-term answer at the position for the Bengals. The franchise seemed to agree when it gave Dalton a seven-year, $97.09 million contract in August. The construction of the deal makes it more of a year-to-year proposition as only $17 million is guaranteed, but it's still a major commitment to a player who hasn't shown quite enough since the Bengals selected him in the second round of the 2011 draft out of TCU.

“I know you guys think, fourth season, they should be doing this, they should be doing that,” Jackson said the day after the Browns game. “Again, I would feel very, very badly if we hadn’t had any success on offense. That’s not the case and I’ve watched some teams in the NFL stub their toe. Maybe not to the extent we did, but lose games, not play well. Whatever all that is and everybody goes bananas and I understand why.

“Now is the time to really focus on getting better. Now is the time to really tighten the screws and dot the Is and cross the Ts and make sure things are done right. That’s the only chance you have. All I know is hard work. I don’t know anything else.”

NFL

Jackson's problem is that there may not be anything else.

Through the first three weeks of the season, Dalton ranked 12th in quarterback rating. (55 completions in 84 attempts for 722 yards, two touchdowns and one interception.) But since Week 4, Dalton has fallen to the very bottom of the quarterback tree -- ranked dead last among 30 qualifying quarterbacks with a 70.6 quarterback rating. (116 completions in 197 attempts for 1,238 yards, six touchdowns and eight picks.) Only Cam Newton and Blake Bortles have a worse PFF rating, and he ranks right down there with Austin Davis and EJ Manuel in Football Outsiders' opponent-adjusted metrics. His FO ranking takes the first three good weeks into consideration, by the way. Basically, Dalton was playing at a better-than-average level through those first three weeks, and he's been the NFL's worst quarterback ever since.

You could blame the three weeks receiver A.J. Green missed with a toe injury, but Green played in the game against Cleveland. You could blame Jackson's offensive designs and route concepts, but these designs and concepts are good enough for most quarterbacks. You could blame Cincinnati's porous offensive line, but only the Browns have allowed fewer total pressures than Cincinnati's 55. This descent is on Dalton, and it's been going on for a while.

The question is, why? Dalton was supposed to have transcended his limitations -- or, at the very least, turned himself into a quarterback on which his team could rely. An Alex Smith-plus, perhaps -- a game manager with some explosive play potential. Instead, Dalton has become the kind of player who can throw an entire season right in the tank. And the worst thing is, every issue has its antecedent in Dalton's past issues. Not only is Dalton regressing; he's not developed in any single category.

Under Pressure

his passes under pressure with six touchdowns and three picks, while Dalton completed 38.5 percent of his pressure passes with three touchdowns and six picks. This season, Dalton and Manning are tied for the lowest pressure percentage (22.9), and Dalton has completed 43.6 percent of his pressure passes for two touchdowns and three picks.

And when he is sacked, as he was on this play against the Browns last Thursday, it's often because he's not reading open receivers -- Dalton has major field diagnosis issues, and this becomes more and more clear the more you watch his tape.

That's a clear slot receiver open in zone coverage, and Dalton didn't pull the trigger. Not good.

The Money Downs

In 2013, Dalton was at his most mediocre on third down, per ESPN Stats & Info. He completed 93-of-157 passes for 1,151 yards, seven touchdowns, six interceptions and 11 sacks. Third down was the only down in which Dalton completed less than 60 percent of his passes and the only down in which he had a quarterback rating lower than 81 (80.9).

This season, Dalton has completed 49 passes in 81 attempts for 596 yards, one touchdown and five interceptions on third down. His completion percentage is up (61.5), but it's become clear that opponents are scheming against Dalton on obvious passing downs, because they know he can be had.

In 2013, on third- and fourth-down plays with 3-8 yards to go (the situations in which you'd expect a great quarterback to convert), Dalton completed 52 of 86 passes for 596 yards, six touchdowns and four picks. When the Bengals were behind by 1-8 points, he completed 60-of-101 passes for 767 yards, six touchdowns and six picks.

This season, in those situations (third- and fourth-down with 3-8 yards to go), he's completed 24 passes in 43 attempts for 350 yards, one touchdown and two picks. He's thrown four touchdowns to one interception in situations where the Bengals were behind by 1-8 points this season, but as the games go on, he's getting far worse. In attempts 21-30 of games this year, he's completed 40 passes in 68 attempts for 468 yards, one touchdown and five picks. He has a minor uptick in attempts 31-40 (19-of-33 for 258 yards, two touchdowns and one pick), but the overall sample size this season is not good.

And his struggles show up most graphically where it counts -- in the end zone. Dalton has just eight touchdown passes this season, and four of nine games with no touchdowns at all. From the opposing 20-yard line and in this season, Dalton has completed 12-of-33 passes for 111 yards, four touchdowns and no interceptions. While the touchdown/interception ratio seems more than reasonable, understand that this is where touchdowns are supposed to happen. Seattle's Russell Wilson, who hasn't exactly been a fountain of touchdown passes himself this season, has eight of his 11 total touchdown passes from the opposing 20-yard line on in. In Dalton's case, the completion percentage is the bigger issue; he is not able to make stick throws in compressed areas of the field.

Reading the Field

This is Dalton's primary issue, and it's been a major point of regression. In this play against the Browns, he zeroed in on A.J. Green on a shallow crossing route, completely ignoring open receivers upfield, and throwing a nasty duck out of Green's range. This is a combined failure; Dalton missed the openings upfield, and his mechanics prevented a better and more accurate throw. There are quarterbacks who can transcend their limited field vision with plus-arms (Colin Kaepernick is the most obvious example), but Dalton has a fraction of a plus-arm at best, so he needs to be far more exact. When he's not, the results are not pretty.

And here, he's got tight end Jermaine Gresham on a crosser out of motion, but he throws outside of Gresham, who seemed to stop on the route, giving linebacker Craig Robertson an easy pick. Dalton didn't see tight end Ryan Hewitt further upfield -- whether by dint of Dalton's own limitations or the read concepts Jackson is allowing him, Dalton is not reading the entire field.

And on this interception, Dalton completely missed safety Tashaun Gipson closing on a quick pass to tight end James Wright. Browns head coach Mike Pettine credited defensive coordinator Jim O'Neil for dialing up some great disguised coverages against Dalton, but at this point in Dalton's career, you don't need to do much. The deflection resulted in an interception, picked off by cornerback Buster Skrine.

Lest we think this is an issue isolated to the Browns game, there are multiple examples of bad throws and worse decisions through Dalton's stretch of awful quarterback play. This throw somewhere in the vicinity of Gresham against the Panthers in Week 6 was more of the same. Dalton air-mailed Gresham, and safety Roman Harper had a free gift.

The mind reels when reviewing Dalton's entire 2014 body of work. However, his teammates and coaches are still firmly behind him -- perhaps because they don't really have a choice. You're generally tethered to the quarterback you have when you've made a serious investment (just don't ask Drew Bledsoe and Matt Flynn about that), and the Bengals seem to understand that they'll go exactly as far as Dalton can take them.

“He's a competitor. He's ready to get back at it and prove who he is,” left tackle Andrew Whitworth said of his quarterback this week. “We all have bad nights and all of us share losses. It's not just him. He's always going to take blame because he's the signal-caller. He's got the ball in his hands, but at the end of the day, all of us share in it. He just wants our team to win. That's what he wants more importantly. He believes in this team. That's what's important. And that's what's going to help us be successful.”

Whitworth, by the way, is not at all part of the problem -- he's allowed no sacks, one quarterback hit and five hurries in 584 snaps this season.

Hue Jackson understands implicitly that his and Dalton's fates are tied together.

"There’s something to grab on to," he told the team's official website on Nov. 7. "There is a body of work that says you can do it. I’m joined at the hip with him. I understand that. That’s the way it goes. I’ve not run from that. As he gets killed [publicly], I get killed. That’s the way it goes. That’s part of this business.

“You know the stats, I can’t dispute what is fact. We are not going to let this define us. We are not going to let last night define who we are because I have seen some really good football on offense. We are going to grow from it, we are going to learn from it we are not going to bury our heads in the sand and say it didn’t happen, either."

Oh, it happened. And unless there's a pretty serious turnaround in several aspects of Andy Dalton's play, it's going to happen again.

[gregcook68]

Sorry guys, I forgot to include the link to that statistical ranking of playoff quarterbacks which definitively showed Dalton is not last out of 180 playoff quarterbacks since 1970.

Here it is.

http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-most-clutch-postseason-quarterback-of-all-time-is-eli-manning/

One interesting note, the average backup quarterback they plugged in was typified by Jim Sorgi, Curtis Painter, or Brock Osweiler. If only!

Eli made some other lists as well!

http://fansided.com/2015/01/28/10-worst-quarterbacks-win-super-bowl/2/

http://www.sportingnews.com/nfl/story/2008-07-10/the-list-worst-qbs-win-super-bowl

I was looking at a list compiled of the worst QBs to ever 'play' in a SB. It only confirms the old cliche, "Defense wins football games!"

The links above are someone's opinion about the worst QBs to ever win a SB. Just like the link you referenced is someone's opinion.

Manning has won 2 SBs and he's made someone's list, as one of the worst. He couldn't have made that list BEFORE he won a SB.

I've also seen Bradshaw's name on it as well. Chuck Knoll couldn't count on any of his 3 QBs, Bradshaw, Hanratty,or Gilliam, enough to figure out which one was his guy, because none of them were consistent during the season.

Just so happened, Terry got hot at the right time, benefitted from the greatest defense in the history of football, probably the best WR tandem in the history, one of the best RB/FB tandems in football,and had a cannon of an arm.

He used to get hammered all the time by talking heads calling him a dummy and too stupid to be the QBs'guy'. As far as rings go, I guess Terry got the last laugh.

Eli got hot at the right time and also benefitted from a great defense, and even though he has won one more SB than his brother, he's not even close to the QB Peyton is.

You will never see Peyton finish 32nd in QB rankings like Eli did in 2013.

Don't come back with any foolishness about not talking about Dalton, because I'm talking about Bradshaw and Eli right now. You're intelligent guy COB, which surprised me when you came out of the blue like a proud papa raving about how your daughter cursed on a term paper??????

Bottom line, if guys like Differ, Johnson, Rypien, Hostetler, Williams, McMahon, and Plunkett can win a ring, surrounded by great teams, the Bengals, barring multiple season ending injuries by major players, have a good shot even without a stud QB.

[ShulaSteakhouse]

The key point here on Dalton (that is sooo obvious and likely will never change):

"Dalton does not see the field clearly, and his lack of presence in the pocket plays a big role in that. He rarely comes off his first read, opting to force the ball into coverage rather than looking for another option. The Bengals offense is based around simple concepts like pick plays and bubble screens to help him out."

http://sportswire.usatoday.com/2015/07/17/qb-rank-23-andy-dalton/

[volcom69]

Yea I agree Shula, and that's what worries me with him. It's almost like everything is scripted in the huddle, and he is afraid to break script. I'm pretty sure they give him a couple options and he reads the defense and chooses what he wants before the snap. I think there are times he chooses the right option but throws to the first guy he sees, and never scans the field. It's time he starts doing this, his turnovers have to drop in order to make the playoffs or win in the playoffs.

[Earendil]

Yea I agree Shula, and that's what worries me with him. It's almost like everything is scripted in the huddle, and he is afraid to break script. I'm pretty sure they give him a couple options and he reads the defense and chooses what he wants before the snap. I think there are times he chooses the right option but throws to the first guy he sees, and never scans the field. It's time he starts doing this, his turnovers have to drop in order to make the playoffs or win in the playoffs.

This ties in with the "get the ball out as fast as humanly possible" mentality. I'm just not sure which one is the symptom, and which one is the cause.

[gregcook68]

Yea I agree Shula, and that's what worries me with him. It's almost like everything is scripted in the huddle, and he is afraid to break script. I'm pretty sure they give him a couple options and he reads the defense and chooses what he wants before the snap. I think there are times he chooses the right option but throws to the first guy he sees, and never scans the field. It's time he starts doing this, his turnovers have to drop in order to make the playoffs or win in the playoffs.

This ties in with the "get the ball out as fast as humanly possible" mentality. I'm just not sure which one is the symptom, and which one is the cause.

Didn't this philosophy/approach come with Hue Jackson?

[Earendil]

Yea I agree Shula, and that's what worries me with him. It's almost like everything is scripted in the huddle, and he is afraid to break script. I'm pretty sure they give him a couple options and he reads the defense and chooses what he wants before the snap. I think there are times he chooses the right option but throws to the first guy he sees, and never scans the field. It's time he starts doing this, his turnovers have to drop in order to make the playoffs or win in the playoffs.

This ties in with the "get the ball out as fast as humanly possible" mentality. I'm just not sure which one is the symptom, and which one is the cause.

Didn't this philosophy/approach come with Hue Jackson?

I think Hue expanded on it, but iirc Gruden laid the foundations. I know they have been saying for a few years that Andy is one of the fastest in the NFL at getting the ball out.

[volcom69]

Well it's supposed to be some kind of west coast offense, which I sometimes don't see. Andy did have one of the fastest releases which really helped the o-line, but it also made him miss wide open guys, as he threw into double coverage. I'm just hoping his turnovers go down this year.

[ShulaSteakhouse]

Sorry guys, I forgot to include the link to that statistical ranking of playoff quarterbacks which definitively showed Dalton is not last out of 180 playoff quarterbacks since 1970.

Here it is.

http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-most-clutch-postseason-quarterback-of-all-time-is-eli-manning/

One interesting note, the average backup quarterback they plugged in was typified by Jim Sorgi, Curtis Painter, or Brock Osweiler. If only!

Eli made some other lists as well!

http://fansided.com/2015/01/28/10-worst-quarterbacks-win-super-bowl/2/

http://www.sportingnews.com/nfl/story/2008-07-10/the-list-worst-qbs-win-super-bowl

I was looking at a list compiled of the worst QBs to ever 'play' in a SB. It only confirms the old cliche, "Defense wins football games!"

They win SuperBowls less than half the time - I'll take a balanced team every time. This would include not having a Howdy Doody QB who poops his pants and loses his shi%, if a pre-snap read doesn't go his way when he has to throw the ball. Outside of Eli, Flacco and Brad Johnson, the last 10+ year SB victors are filled with teams who have top 5 QB's.

[gregcook68]

Sorry guys, I forgot to include the link to that statistical ranking of playoff quarterbacks which definitively showed Dalton is not last out of 180 playoff quarterbacks since 1970.

Here it is.

http://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-most-clutch-postseason-quarterback-of-all-time-is-eli-manning/

One interesting note, the average backup quarterback they plugged in was typified by Jim Sorgi, Curtis Painter, or Brock Osweiler. If only!

Eli made some other lists as well!

http://fansided.com/2015/01/28/10-worst-quarterbacks-win-super-bowl/2/

http://www.sportingnews.com/nfl/story/2008-07-10/the-list-worst-qbs-win-super-bowl

I was looking at a list compiled of the worst QBs to ever 'play' in a SB. It only confirms the old cliche, "Defense wins football games!"

They win SuperBowls less than half the time - I'll take a balanced team every time. This would include not having a Howdy Doody QB who poops his pants and loses his shi%, if a pre-snap read doesn't go his way when he has to throw the ball. Outside of Eli, Flacco and Brad Johnson, the last 10+ year SB victors are filled with teams who have top 5 QB's.

So you will be pissed off if the Bengals win a SB with a QB who is much better than most of the worst QBs to ever win a SB?????

Make up your mind Shula boy!!!

Do you want a balanced team that gets to the playoffs, more than not, and has a shot to win the SB every time they MAKE the playoffs, because 20 teams each year have absolutely zero chance to win the SB, OR do you want a stud-like QB like Dan Marino? Never wins a SB, but has tons of records????

[COB]

They win SuperBowls less than half the time - I'll take a balanced team every time. This would include not having a Howdy Doody QB who poops his pants and loses his shi%, if a pre-snap read doesn't go his way when he has to throw the ball. Outside of Eli, Flacco and Brad Johnson, the last 10+ year SB victors are filled with teams who have top 5 QB's.

Exactly. A balanced team is the way to go. Trying to build some monster defense so you can win with 179 is impossible and probably wouldn't work anyway. Even with a monster defense, you need at least competent QB work in the playoffs and Super Bowl. 179 can't, and won't, get that done.

Just one example of what advanced statistical analysis says about the old "Defense wins championships" myth: Article from NFL.com

http://www.nfl.com/features/freakonomics/episode-15

I'll excerpt a bit of it if you don't want to click on the link:

Whatever the case, the cliché is very much alive and well -- even this year, when the Giants and Patriots made it to the Super Bowl with the 27th and 31st ranked regular-season defenses, respectively.

To determine whether defense is in fact disproportionately important in championship football, we examined the numbers.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, Brian Burke at Advanced NFL Stats found that elite offenses historically outperform elite defenses.

Tobias J. Moskowitz and L. Jon Wertheim -- the authors of "Scorecasting" -- support Burke's findings. They looked at data from Super Bowls, as well as 10,000-plus regular-season games, and similarly found the cliché to be unsupportable.

But wait, there're more!

As you can see in the graphic above, teams score much more in Super Bowls than they do in regular-season games. Over the past 10 seasons, Super Bowl teams have each scored 25.3 points per game, compared to 20.5 points per game during the regular season, with champions averaging 31.6 points per game. (Kind of seems like an argument for a new cliché: OFFENSE. WINS. CHAMPIONSHIPS!)

[HoosierCat]

I've got some great news for all you newly minted Miami Dolphins fans! According to a Harvard analysis, your main-man-crush Ryan "Dreamboat" Tannehill will lead his team to Super Bowl 50! It's your big year, guys, savor it!

http://harvardsportsanalysis.org/2015/07/a-way-too-early-prediction-of-the-nfl-season/

[gregcook68]

I've got some great news for all you newly minted Miami Dolphins fans! According to a Harvard analysis, your main-man-crush Ryan "Dreamboat" Tannehill will lead his team to Super Bowl 50! It's your big year, guys, savor it!

http://harvardsportsanalysis.org/2015/07/a-way-too-early-prediction-of-the-nfl-season/

Don't bet the farm in Vegas on this. They have to 'make' the playoffs first, by winning the division or WC. Pats and Bills will have something to say about the division, and winning a WC spot is tough with the Bengals, Steelers, Ravens, Colts, Texans, Broncos, Chargers, and Chiefs.

[HoosierCat]

https://twitter.com/drawplaydave/status/625794869986856960

Lol

[COB]

https://twitter.com/drawplaydave/status/625794869986856960

Lol

Heh.

[gregcook68]

They win SuperBowls less than half the time - I'll take a balanced team every time. This would include not having a Howdy Doody QB who poops his pants and loses his shi%, if a pre-snap read doesn't go his way when he has to throw the ball. Outside of Eli, Flacco and Brad Johnson, the last 10+ year SB victors are filled with teams who have top 5 QB's.

Exactly. A balanced team is the way to go. Trying to build some monster defense so you can win with 179 is impossible and probably wouldn't work anyway. Even with a monster defense, you need at least competent QB work in the playoffs and Super Bowl. 179 can't, and won't, get that done.

Just one example of what advanced statistical analysis says about the old "Defense wins championships" myth: Article from NFL.com

http://www.nfl.com/features/freakonomics/episode-15

I'll excerpt a bit of it if you don't want to click on the link:

Whatever the case, the cliché is very much alive and well -- even this year, when the Giants and Patriots made it to the Super Bowl with the 27th and 31st ranked regular-season defenses, respectively.

To determine whether defense is in fact disproportionately important in championship football, we examined the numbers.

Contrary to conventional wisdom, Brian Burke at Advanced NFL Stats found that elite offenses historically outperform elite defenses.

Tobias J. Moskowitz and L. Jon Wertheim -- the authors of "Scorecasting" -- support Burke's findings. They looked at data from Super Bowls, as well as 10,000-plus regular-season games, and similarly found the cliché to be unsupportable.

But wait, there're more!

As you can see in the graphic above, teams score much more in Super Bowls than they do in regular-season games. Over the past 10 seasons, Super Bowl teams have each scored 25.3 points per game, compared to 20.5 points per game during the regular season, with champions averaging 31.6 points per game. (Kind of seems like an argument for a new cliché: OFFENSE. WINS. CHAMPIONSHIPS!)

Research all the talking head opinions you want to. It's just someone else's opinion.

Opinions are like hind ends COB. Nice to see you show yours every chance you get.

Just like Johnson said, they had more talent during his stretch but only got 2 shots to have a chance to win the SB in 12 years, and failed, at home, both times! This group of Bengals have the ability to make the playoffs every year.

It amazes me how far some fans, are willing to go out of their way to try and substantiate their opinion, with others' opinions. It's almost as if its more important for them to be right

then for the team to succeed.

[COB]

I've got some great news for all you newly minted Miami Dolphins fans! According to a Harvard analysis, your main-man-crush Ryan "Dreamboat" Tannehill will lead his team to Super Bowl 50! It's your big year, guys, savor it!

http://harvardsportsanalysis.org/2015/07/a-way-too-early-prediction-of-the-nfl-season/

I admit Ryan and I have a little thing going on.

[COB]

I've got some great news for all you newly minted Miami Dolphins fans! According to a Harvard analysis, your main-man-crush Ryan "Dreamboat" Tannehill will lead his team to Super Bowl 50! It's your big year, guys, savor it!

http://harvardsportsanalysis.org/2015/07/a-way-too-early-prediction-of-the-nfl-season/

Me and Ryan just hanging out, the way we do. (I'm in the middle).

[HoosierCat]

:lmao:

As always COB your artistic skills are Louvre-worthy!

[gregcook68]

I've got some great news for all you newly minted Miami Dolphins fans! According to a Harvard analysis, your main-man-crush Ryan "Dreamboat" Tannehill will lead his team to Super Bowl 50! It's your big year, guys, savor it!

http://harvardsportsanalysis.org/2015/07/a-way-too-early-prediction-of-the-nfl-season/

Me and Ryan just hanging out, the way we do. (I'm in the middle).

Look forward to hearing what kind of reaction you get from your wife and daughter.

[COB]

:lmao:

As always COB your artistic skills are Louvre-worthy!

Yes, years of study and devotion to my craft have really paid off. Currently my work is taking the art world by storm. Also, a little off topic, but I'm hammering down slurpees from 7-11 at an alarming pace, about 3 a day.

[COB]

I don’t want to make too much of this, but Slurpee Light? Mango flavor? Hell fucking no. If you are a novice just getting into Slurpees, I strongly advise you to just stay away from the whole Slurpee Light fraud being perpetrated by 7-11. It’s a travesty.

If you’re new to slurpees, you’re not ready for the Apple Berry Blast shown on the machine on the right. That’s a man’s slurpee. You need to begin your journey on a starter Slurpee. But, you ask, what is a starter Slurpee?

Assuming you’re not a little girl, or a nun, you won’t even look at the Slurpee Light machine. You should start out with something like the Mountain Dew Slurpee. You’ll be used to that taste, and you can handle it. Once you have a few of those, and go through a couple brain freeze episodes that leave you cursing your mother, you’re ready to move up to level 2.

Bammin’ Jammin’ Cherry just to break you in, then try something stronger like Classic Coke. A Classic Coke Slurpee puts a lot of people into a diabetic coma. If this happens to you, you are a pussy and should stop reading this right now. If you find you actually like a Classic Coke Slurpee, you are probably descended from Vikings or something and have multi-generational flashbacks of sacking and pillaging villages and ancient churches. You are ready.

See that Apple Berry Blast Slurpee machine? That’s your Everest, your white whale. If you can find it, the elusive Skittles Slurpee is also a worthy goal. That’s the Grail. Apple Berry Blast Slurpee or Skittles Slurpee.

You’ll be understandably nervous when you walk into a 7-11 the first time you are going to take on one of the two aforementioned Slurpees. Say hi to the clerk, then say something like, “I’m here to get a fucking slurpee, an Apple Berry Blast Slurpee! You heard me!” Be sure to yell a little. This is normal behavior for the Slurpee elite, so it won’t surprise the store personnel. Olympic weight lifters don’t just casually walk up and lift a million pounds on the stage. They make a scene first by jumping around and babbling, so that’s what you have to do. Not coincidentally, it’s a well-known fact that most actual Olympic weightlifters got that way by drinking a lot of Slurpees. So get ready to get jacked!

Of course you grab the largest cup they have. Probably 42 ounces or something like that. Never, and I mean never, use one of their clear cups.

After you get the not clear cup, go put a big ass Snickers bar in it. Or, in my case, the huge York Peppermint Patties they sell for 75 cents. Just put whatever you want in there, the world is your oyster at this point. At least, that part of the world comprised of the candy shelves at that 7-11 that have a somewhat obstructed view from the counter, that’s your oyster.

Then just pour that slushy into the cup to conceal the candy. Two for the price of one, and they pretty much expect anyone who is man enough to drink an Apple Berry Blast or a Skittles Slurpee to stash various stuff in there. It’s not even stealing, they just figure it’s in your DNA, so they let you do it.

When you pay, just act cool. The clerks will see you’re a sort of god. That Slurpee in your hand says one thing – “Don’t fuck with me.” They’ll be super nervous, so try to make a little small talk to put them at ease. Talk about video games, like say, “Eh, set another world record on Chopper Lifter last night. No biggee. Does 7-11 make you buy your own smock or do they give you that?” Seems like a lot of work, but you know, it’s really just common decency. No reason to freak them out. You can show them that even though you’re in the bigs, and your slurpee game plays for keeps, you’re a person just like them.

Don’t bother waiting to get home to drink it. Don’t even wait until you get to your car. Did your Vandal ancestors wait patiently to sack Rome? Probably effing not. Just start hammering it down in the 7-11 parking lot.

After you drink it all and probably have a seizure, try to act nonchalant. If you actually did have a seizure, and you bit your tongue really bad, this won’t be easy to do. Just hang in there. There’s nothing you can do for your partially severed tongue until you get home anyway. And your whole mouth will be numb from the Slushee, so there won’t be all that much pain. It’s sort of a no harm, no foul, type thing.

If you make it this far, welcome. You are part of the Slurpee aristocracy. Some benefits – any “Duck Dynasty” merchandise in 7-11 is 80% off just for you. You can practically clothe yourself with this stuff. Also, even though it is not mandatory, it would be appreciated if you would take a sledgehammer and destroy any weak-ass Slurpee Light machine you come across. The worst one is a Slurpee Light machine that makes Crystal Light Slurpees. You can legally set those on fire. Maybe not totally legal, but it’s pretty legal.

That’s it. I welcome you to the world’s most exclusive fraternity. Side note - if you are a little fag who’s Slurpee journey had to stop at Bammin’ Jammin’ Cherry, or, god forbid, Fanta Banana, you didn’t stop reading earlier when I told you to. Understandable. But on your next trip to 7-11, when you see a god-like figure decked out in a Duck Dynasty t-shirt, and a Duck Dynasty pink camo hat, pouring gasoline on one Slurpee Light machine whilst simultaneously smashing another with a 10-pound sledge, just step aside son.

[HoosierCat]

Alas, as much as I would like a Slurpee, 7-11s have been driven from my corner of the planet by a demonic local chain cleverly disguised by the name "Family Express." Yeah,Family Express as in the express to h-e-double-hockey-sticks! If you want proof of their heresy, look no further than their foul signature product: square donuts!!! Everyone knows donuts are ROUND! It says so right in the Book of Bakerabi, chapter 2 verse 7-9:

And lo, the donut shall be round;

And it shall have one hole;

Not two. Nor three. And four is right out!

I'm looking for people to help picket their stores, so let me know the next time you're in the area, COB. My signs and your ten-pound sledge should do the job!

[volcom69]

LOL classic COB, I love it

[gregcook68]

I've got some great news for all you newly minted Miami Dolphins fans! According to a Harvard analysis, your main-man-crush Ryan "Dreamboat" Tannehill will lead his team to Super Bowl 50! It's your big year, guys, savor it!

http://harvardsportsanalysis.org/2015/07/a-way-too-early-prediction-of-the-nfl-season/

Me and Ryan just hanging out, the way we do. (I'm in the middle).

I was going to weigh in with some very similar artistry, but I couldn't locate my middle school scrapbook!

Wait......as I remember I think my mom found some of it and destroyed it all back then.