Ox Posted January 12, 2009 Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 Hey Detroit! We're No. 1!By Paul Daugherty • pdaugherty@enquirer.com • January 12, 2009Now Detroit is getting the pub. First it was Seattle, with its Sonics moving and its Mariners drowning and its Seahawks sending off Mike Holmgren with a whoopee-cushion season. Seattle was the toughest place to be a fan.Until Detroit was. Detroit sports journalist Mitch Albom has written a piece for Sports Illustrated, in which he decides Motown is lowest down when it comes to sports. Detroit fans have it the worst, Albom figures.Frankly, I’m feeling disrespected by our lack of disrespect. I’m tired of Cincinnati not getting the discredit it deserves. No one beats us for futile teams or suffering fans or unrequited, Charlie Brown love. When it comes to following the local jocks, we are the Children of Job. This is not debatable.Seattle? The Seahawks went to the Super Bowl in 2006, They won a playoff game last year. For several years, the Baseball Hall of Fame Of Tomorrow passed through the gates of Safeco Field: Junior Griffey, Randy Johnson, Lou Piniella, A-Rod. We’re supposed to feel sorry for that?On to poor Detroit. When the Motor City’s sports are as bad as ours, Lake Michigan will be a wading pool.The lowly Red Wings have won the Stanley Cup three times since the Reds last made the playoffs. The Pistons won a title in 2004, the Tigers were in the World Series two years ago. The Lions go imperfect one time and suddenly we’re supposed to sing operas for Detroit?“Our football team put the less in hopeless,’’ Albom writes.Oh, really?Since 1991, the Lions have 113 wins. In the ‘90s, they made the playoff five times. In that span, the Bengals have won 101 games and have lived in the postseason for exactly one afternoon.The Lions were so dreadful, Bobby Ross quit after nine games in 2000. In the middle of the season! Who would ever do that?Not the Bengals. Nope, Bruce Coslet ditched the gig three games into 2000. And Ross’ Lions were 5-4 when he left; Coslet’s Bengals were 0-3. We will see you your Joey Harrington, and raise you an Akili Smith and a David Klingler.One historic 0-fer doesn’t afford you the brass ring. True futility stands the test of time. It takes perseverance and a certain reverse luck to be consistently awful. The truly great, bad teams know what it takes to stink over the long haul. Step aside, Matt Millen-ites, and let the true champions roam. Mike Brown will be taking your questions now.OK. I understand: Albom’s SI piece was about more than Detroit sports. Downtown Detroit was a husk even before GM and Chrysler took their places in the bread line. (Actually, the Bengals and Detroit’s broken-down automobile industry have much in common. They’re anachronistic, poorly run businesses that have specialized in not listening to their customers and producing products nobody wants. But we digress.)Detroit fans cope with Coping With more than most. Compared to inner-city Detroit, Cincinnati is Lifestyles of the Rich and Famous. But we’re talking sports here. Our resume is unmatched. If losing came with gloves, we’d be Joe Louis.The Reds are losers eight straight years. The Bengals own the worst record in the NFL the last 18 years. The once-proud UC basketball program is weaving along Rebuilding Road. Were it not for the machine that is Xavier basketball, and the freshly minted Brian Kelly Show, we’d all be buying scarlet L jerseys at Lazarus. Oh, that’s right. Lazarus is gone.Someone remind me: Did we get the 2012 Summer Olympics?We’re so beaten down by the losing, our coaches and players have taken to praising their own effort. We “compete’’ here. We’re a city of Knotholers. Play hard. Have fun. If we lose, ah well, stick around. We’re going for ice cream after.Detroit? No, my friends. You’re crying on the wrong shoulder. Come to Cincinnati, where you’re really needed. The ghost of Marge Schott will give you the grand tour.http://news.cincinnati.com/article/2009011...0042/1007/SPT02 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregstephens Posted January 12, 2009 Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 I prefer to say, "We're number suck!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Bearcat1975 Posted January 12, 2009 Report Share Posted January 12, 2009 The truth Doc doesn't point out here is WHY Cincinnati isn't "getting the discredit it deserves."The reason is because the Reds and Bengals have been bad for so long, it is no longer "fun" to roast them. Picking on the Bengals and Reds has become kind of like picking on a mentally disabled kid. Its not funny, its just mean.But Detroit? Seattle? They've had some bad teams lately, so it is still "funny" to jab them. As Bengals fans we can take solace that the Bengals have been so bad, for so long, with zero plans for change, that they have moved beyond national ridicule. They have graduated from being ridiculed to being politely ignored. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArmyBengal Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 There's a saying that is used quite often in the Military and I think it applies here...EMBRACE THE SUCK !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC_Bengals_Fan Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 Wow. I used to read his columns when I lived in town almost 15 years ago. Somehow, he seemed less jaded then. Of course, two playoff appearances between 2 teams in a decade in a half will do that to you. Seriously, imagine how much it would suck to cover that beat.In fairness, he ignores one fact: many Cincinnati fans are OSU fans, so that helps them out until January rolls around and they get stomped. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregstephens Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 As I posted on another thread, from 1991 to 2008, the time SoP has controlled this team, the Bengals have had ONE...count 'em ONE...winning season. Detroit in that same period...six. Arizona in that same period...two.We truly are the worst franchise in the NFL. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevinc1129 Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 Wow, that article really makes you wonder why we put ourselves through all of this misery. At least with the Reds, we did have the "Big Red Machine" era. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArmyBengal Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 Attention all Bengals fans, ATTENTION !!! The suck is coming, I say again, the suck is coming !!!EMBRACE THE SUCK !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoosierCat Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 Wow. I used to read his columns when I lived in town almost 15 years ago. Somehow, he seemed less jaded then. Of course, two playoff appearances between 2 teams in a decade in a half will do that to you. Seriously, imagine how much it would suck to cover that beat.Yup. To use his own term, Doc's been Bengalized. It really became pronounced by mid-2008. I chalked it up to the loss of his counterweight, the relatively sane Lonnie Wheeler at the now-defunct Post. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HairOnFire Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 Yup. To use his own term, Doc's been Bengalized. It really became pronounced by mid-2008. I chalked it up to the loss of his counterweight, the relatively sane Lonnie Wheeler at the now-defunct Post. You're too kind. Seriously. First you accept without complaint Daugherty's excuse for why he so very clearly sucks. Of course it's somebody elses fault, right? In fact, you seem willing to blame his ineptitude on not one, but at least two people. Then you incorrectly claim things became pronounced in mid-2008. Well, maybe that's when you noticed how bad things had gotten, but IMHO Daugherty has always sucked. In fact, all that's changed is how it's no longer possible for his supporters to ignore what a one-trick pony he is. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TJJackson Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 The suck is coming, I say again, the suck is coming !!!Wait......you're saying the suck isn't ALREADY HERE?Oh dear lord no Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ArmyBengal Posted January 13, 2009 Report Share Posted January 13, 2009 The suck is coming, I say again, the suck is coming !!!Wait......you're saying the suck isn't ALREADY HERE?Oh dear lord noYeah, it'll be about the time when the commissioner walks up to the podium and announces:"With the 6th pick in the 2009 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select, Beanie Wells !!!"Yes, EMBRACE THE SUCK !!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC_Bengals_Fan Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 Yeah, it'll be about the time when the commissioner walks up to the podium and announces:"With the 6th pick in the 2009 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select, Beanie Wells !!!"Yes, EMBRACE THE SUCK !!!Great. Thanks to you, I now have a desk-shaped bruise on my forehead. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregstephens Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 Yeah, it'll be about the time when the commissioner walks up to the podium and announces:"With the 6th pick in the 2009 NFL draft, the Cincinnati Bengals select, Beanie Wells !!!"Yes, EMBRACE THE SUCK !!!Great. Thanks to you, I now have a desk-shaped bruise on my forehead.Ah...you HAVE embraced the SUCK. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HairOnFire Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 Great. Thanks to you, I now have a dick-shaped bruise on my forehead. Fixed it for ya'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
gregstephens Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 Great. Thanks to you, I now have a dick-shaped bruise on my forehead. Fixed it for ya'. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC_Bengals_Fan Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 Great. Thanks to you, I now have a dick-shaped bruise on my forehead. Fixed it for ya'.This coming from the guy who spent all last year blowing Mike Brown before finally seeing this light. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HairOnFire Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 This coming from the guy who spent all last year blowing Mike Brown before finally seeing this light. Weak. I realize your sense of honor dictated a response to my little jibe, but I think even you can do better than the above. Please try again. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DC_Bengals_Fan Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 This coming from the guy who spent all last year blowing Mike Brown before finally seeing this light. Weak. I realize your sense of honor dictated a response to my little jibe, but I think even you can do better than the above. Please try again. Right, because the 'fixed it for ya' meme is fresh. I suppose I could match with something equally inane from the LOLcats genre? "I can has BJ?", perhaps? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
COB Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 I hope Paul Daugherty gets bitten by his neighbor's dog. Or how about this scenario: The Bengals win the Super Bowl. Daugherty, having had the thesis of his life's work proven false, falls into depression. To cheer himself up, he goes to the zoo. In an act that would absolutely convince me that there is a God, the zoo's newly acquired Bengal Tiger escapes and bites Daughtery's head like about 15 times. He ends up with a brain injury that leaves him with full mental capacity, but deprives him of the ability to communicate in any way. He appears catatonic, but is fully functional on the inside. In an act that finally turns the PR tide for Mike Brown, the Bengals announce that all is forgiven. Daughtery spends the rest of his years sitting in a front row seat in the owners box at PBS, being forced to watch every home Bengals game. Mike and his cronies slurp down champaign and caviar, make Sigfried and Roy meets Terry Schaivo jokes, and just generally act like the rich f**kheads that they are. Daughtery sits and takes it because he has no choice. These thoughts have brightened my evening. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HairOnFire Posted January 14, 2009 Report Share Posted January 14, 2009 Right, because the 'fixed it for ya' meme is fresh. Fresh? No, I was going for more of a classic vibe there. Sorta like the "old washed up dude" thing where the joke itself isn't funny at all, but somehow becomes funnier if endlessly repeated. As for me, I prefer to work pony-related themes....working 'em into the conversation whenever the mood strikes me. I suppose I could match with something equally inane from the LOLcats genre? I'm unfamiliar with their work."I can has BJ?", perhaps? See, now you're working the same classic vibe that I love so much. And since you attempted to respond in kind your offering is perfectly matched to the previous remarks that may or may not have left a dick-shaped bruise on your forehead. Props. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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