COB Posted September 2 Report Posted September 2 Roger Goodell: “Gentlemen! Enjoy your week off. What’s everyone up to? Workin hard or hardly workin? Heh.” Quote
COB Posted September 2 Author Report Posted September 2 Anon Owner 1: “I loved my favorite week of the season, preseason game 3. Watching the prize offspring of the proletariat absolutely kill each other in a vain attempt to make make my roster. Delicious.” Quote
COB Posted September 2 Author Report Posted September 2 Anon owner 2 - “Guys, I’m literally sitting on a pile of money. I do this every year before the season. Keeps me grounded.” 1 Quote
COB Posted September 2 Author Report Posted September 2 Anon owner 3 - “Roger, I’d like a full report on the feasibility of my idea to have our broadcast rights paid in crypto delivered to off shore accounts.” Quote
COB Posted September 2 Author Report Posted September 2 Anon owner 4- “Roger, your claim that there are no longer off shore tax havens does not hold water. Here’s our plan. We find an island nation that’s already a legitimate part of the international banking system. We buy the whole fucking country, lock, stock, and barrel. We have all our broadcast rights payments sent there. We all pay zero tax in our country, and we funnel the rinsed money back to ourselves through fake companies that can’t be audited. Musk and Thiel are already doing this. We’re behind the curve, really. 1 Quote
COB Posted September 2 Author Report Posted September 2 Anon owner 5 - “Kind of random but all I can think of all day, every day, is the phrase, ‘kill or be killed,’ I fall asleep to it. It’s like an involuntary mantra. Someone help me.” Quote
COB Posted September 2 Author Report Posted September 2 Anon owner 6 - “I’m broadcasting from my hand TV. Is this Facebook?” Quote
COB Posted September 2 Author Report Posted September 2 Anon owner 7 - “Mike, give your phone to Katie.” 1 Quote
COB Posted September 2 Author Report Posted September 2 Anon owner 8 - “You know, the poor on this earth are a finite resource. So while we could sustain ourselves, you know, grinding the poor up and eating them, they wouldn’t last forever. I want everyone in this chat to think about that.” Quote
HoosierCat Posted September 2 Report Posted September 2 AMERICASOWNER: man almost time again! Can’t wait to fire our head coach! Always my favorite part of the season! (Dead face emoji) (party emoji) FLYINGB: that’s cold but not as cold as us resigning the massage king! (Fan emoji) (bukake emoji) OXCART: got my revenue sharing check today! Thanks guys! (Beach chair emoji) (sleeping emoji) (bag o cash emoji) (angry fan emoji) (middle finger emoji) 1 Quote
COB Posted September 2 Author Report Posted September 2 Anon owner 9 - “I get it, I’m onboard with eating the poor, but it’s not clear to me how we’ll charge them for it.” Quote
COB Posted September 2 Author Report Posted September 2 Anon owner 10 - “100% yes here on eating the poor. So I’m thinking maybe it’s a dynamic pricing model, wherein we can, say, charge them more if we eat them during the season? And it’s extra if they want to designate which team’s owner eats them?” 1 Quote
Stripes Posted September 2 Report Posted September 2 Inspire Brands CEO Paul Brown: "Hey gang, it's me, Paul Brown, CEO of Inspire Brands, parent company of your local Arby's. I think we need to talk about a roast beef infusion in your stadiums this season." Anon owner 6: DAD??? Inspire Brands CEO Paul Brown: "Uh. Yes, it is I. Your father. Paul Brown. I am speaking to you from the beyond to tell you that it was my last dying wish to have delicious Arby's roast beef sandwiches available in every seat at my stadium. Anon owner X: "HAH! Go ahead, Mike. Tell your dad what you did. Tell him right now." Anon owner 6: "Daddy. We sold the naming rights. We had to pay Joe. I am very sorry." Inspire Brands CEO Paul Brown: "I am disappointed in you, but I will forgive you if and only if you agree to promote the Angus Cheesesteak. I envision a giant poster depicting Joe Burrow inserting a big beefy steak sandwich into his wide open mouth." Anon owner 6: "Oh! Like the Carson Palmer hot dog?" Anon owner Y: "The what?" Anon owner 6: "I'm on it, pops. You won't regret it." 2 1 Quote
ArmyBengal Posted September 3 Report Posted September 3 It's threads like this that really make me appreciate this board and you guys !! Although the lack of mention of the potato cakes is a bit concerning. 1 Quote
COB Posted September 3 Author Report Posted September 3 Anon owner 11 - “I’m a yes on eating the poor. But we do it on a subscription basis. We get their credit card number, we charge them monthly. But wait, we kill them and eat them, sure we get 6 months or so of charging their card, but then someone notices and that’s the end of that. Not acceptable. So with my method, we 1. Eat the poor, 2. Make them pay us to do it, and 3. Get several years of subscription out of each customer. How, you ask? We make it an incremental thing. We eat them piece by piece. Like we eat just a hand or a foot in season 1. We keep charging them monthly. We raise the amount every 3 months. Next season we eat a huge chunk of their thigh. They can still go to work and we keep charging them. The overall lesson gentlemen is this: Subscription. It’s the absolute best way to maximize revenue.” Quote
COB Posted September 3 Author Report Posted September 3 Anon owner 12 - All good thoughts gentlemen. The subscription thing makes sense. But here’s a twist that we will want to implement asap: NFL NEURALINK We put on a great show during our season. But we all talk about how unfair it is that downstream media profits from our league year round. When Jeff from Paducah calls in to his local am sports talk show to talk about the Titans, how fair is it that we aren’t directly compensated for that? It’s completely unfair. The solution is NFL NEURALINK. Fans get a NEURALINK chip installed in their skull. Elon has already shown that thinking about NFL football produces a very identifiable brain wave signature. The NEURALINK chip has the fan’s credit card pre-loaded onto it. Any time the fan thinks about NFL football, we charge them immediately. This is just taking the subscription model and advancing it one step to allow us to be paid what we deserve. Just picture our future. A super fan sits at a game, he has a large NEURALINK chip implanted in his skull, we’re charging his credit card during the whole game. The CBS camera pans to him before a timeout. He’s got his face and right arm painted team colors (missing his left arm, eaten by his favorite team’s owner). He sees the camera, the intensity of his thoughts increases, and so do the charges we levy on his credit card. It’s a brave new world, gentlemen. A world in which we will finally, FINALLY, be fairly compensated for the product we put out, not 18 weeks a year, but 24/7, 365. Quote
HoosierCat Posted Sunday at 12:34 PM Report Posted Sunday at 12:34 PM OXCARTJR: I swear fans just don’t know how hard it is to run a football team! https://local12.com/sports/bengals/cincinnati-bengals-fans-third-most-negative-nfl-reddit-study-2026 Quote
ArmyBengal Posted Sunday at 02:09 PM Report Posted Sunday at 02:09 PM Yeah like we don’t have a reason to be negative. Who gives a shit? 1 Quote
HoosierCat Posted Wednesday at 01:53 PM Report Posted Wednesday at 01:53 PM OXCART: WE’RE NO. 30!! WE’RE NO. 30!! WE’RE NO. 30!! https://www.cnbc.com/2026/09/09/30-cincinnati-bengals.html Quote
ArmyBengal Posted Wednesday at 03:27 PM Report Posted Wednesday at 03:27 PM Well what do you want from a small market team? Oh yeah, winning a Super Bowl might help. Shit, showing competence might help. Basically don't be a dumbass. Good life lesson in general. Something that should be shared with the Bengals front office, as I would guess that would be shocking for them to hear. 1 Quote
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