Need some advice

[fattyjay]

So, I know this is probably a real downer, but I feel my options are limited about discussing this. Last night when ig ot home from work my wife told me she didn't want to be married any more. She went on to say that nothing I have done or have not done is the problem, she's just not happy. The reason I am writing this here is because she doesn't want anyone to know yet. So, I figured I could at least get this off my chest by writing about it. If anyone has experienced anything like this and can let me know how they handled it I would greatly appreciate the help.

[COB]

Hang in there brother. A dark time in your life for sure, but brighter days lie ahead.

I'd seek out a counselor for yourself. Not a marriage counselor for you and your wife, but someone you can discuss this with. Human behavior and human emotions are a bit of a science, and you can benefit from input from someone who understands these things. I wish I'd done so when my first wife and I split up. I tortured myself over it for years, when I could have just moved on with a little advice as to how to do so.

[fattyjay]

Hang in there brother. A dark time in your life for sure, but brighter days lie ahead.

I'd seek out a counselor for yourself. Not a marriage counselor for you and your wife, but someone you can discuss this with. Human behavior and human emotions are a bit of a science, and you can benefit from input from someone who understands these things. I wish I'd done so when my first wife and I split up. I tortured myself over it for years, when I could have just moved on with a little advice as to how to do so.

Thank you for taking the time to share your experience. It helps.

[fattyjay]

A little background...we lived together for three years before we got married last December. She had been married before and has two children whom I absolutely adore. Also, last night was the first time she mentioned anything about not being happy while we were married. I'm just at a loss of what to think, feel, or say.

[Thurmanation]

A little background...we lived together for three years before we got married last December. She had been married before and has two children whom I absolutely adore. Also, last night was the first time she mentioned anything about not being happy while we were married. I'm just at a loss of what to think, feel, or say.

I can't really say i've felt what your going through but i've also been through some tough times. All i can say is ask her if its really what she wants, and if she truely isn't happy and you cannot see why then sometimes you just have to head on, keep on truckin. Just don't let this be the end of your relationship as friends, thats possibly the worst way to go otu i've seena nd if you do have a relationship with her/your kids i also sugest you try and stay friends through this.

Stay strong brother.

[fattyjay]

A little background...we lived together for three years before we got married last December. She had been married before and has two children whom I absolutely adore. Also, last night was the first time she mentioned anything about not being happy while we were married. I'm just at a loss of what to think, feel, or say.

I can't really say i've felt what your going through but i've also been through some tough times. All i can say is ask her if its really what she wants, and if she truely isn't happy and you cannot see why then sometimes you just have to head on, keep on truckin. Just don't let this be the end of your relationship as friends, thats possibly the worst way to go otu i've seena nd if you do have a relationship with her/your kids i also sugest you try and stay friends through this.

Stay strong brother.

Not sure if we can manage the friend thing, but I will sure give it a shot. Thanks for your input!

[Ox]

Try my thread ---> http://forums.bengalszone.com/index.php?sh...4&hl=advice

I feel your pain brother.

[ArmyBengal]

Ox made it easy for me to say what I would say to anyone going through this. It's been a couple more years since mine and I couldn't be happier in that decision to make the clean break. It was hard back then and it will be hard for you, but always take care of yourself in every regard and do what is in your best interest. It might sound selfish, but this is about taking care of yourself now and after all is said and done.

Good luck, hang in there, and if you ever need someone to talk to, feel free to drop a PM or email...

[agreen_112]

Fatty, I to am going through a separation. My girl (fiance) took the baby and split last Friday. We've had problems for quite some time now. Our baby only held us together for so long until we finally realized that this wasn't what we wanted. If you would've asked me a year ago if I would be able to handle her leaving me, I would've told you NO, that I couldn't go on without her. Man, was I wrong.

I'll tell you what I did, and this is a Godsend, I started reading up on "The Game." The Game is basically an underground community of Pickup Artists who help each other in ways of becoming a better person. Most importantly, it helps you to get back in the swing of things at getting girls... Have you ever seen The Pickup Artist on VH1? That is exactly what I'm studying. I can garuntee to you that it works. I was skeptical at first, but that was before I pulled a 19 year old smoking hot girl.

Is this the best way to go about a split? Probably not, but maybe so. I'm having a BLAST. I'm single and loving it. I do what I want, I clean when I want, I do EVERYTHING that I want. It's all about me and working on making myself happy instead of trying to make someone else happy. I'm sorry to say, but if she's not happy, there's not much you can do about it. A person must find happiness inside themselves. Something else is going on here. Talk to her and ask her what it is abou the relationship that makes her unhappy. Stay calm. Do not use the words YOU. Instead, say I. Don't say "You always do this, You always do that." Instead say "It makes me feel like xxxx whenever you do xxxxxx."

Talk to your girl and see if this is what she really wants. Don't be a chump. Be strong, be assertive. Don't be cold. Maybe she just needs a reality check... My best friend split with his wife a week before my split. He's living with a friend and they are still working it out. Sometimes a split is the best thing for a relationship. My uncle went through a split for a couple months, now 3 years later his marriage is WONDERFUL.

The Game isn't just for picking up chicks. Everyone has a different reason to want to learn The Game. Some do it for multiple relationships, some do it to find that "one" special girl, some do it for a wife, some just want to get laid by as many chicks as possible, and in some cases some want to get that spark back in their relationship (marriage)... I'm gonna give you a couple names that might help. 1. Neil Strauss 2. Mystery. The rest is on you, it's a fun journey.

If it wasn't for The Game I'd be a mess right now. It has improved my life in many ways other than just being good with the ladies. My confidence if through the roof, my appearance is much better, my personality has imporved, and my overall state of mind is happy.

There's 3 girls that I can call right now at anytime that will come and hang out. I've got 2 or 3 other girls phone numbers that I have lengthy conversations with. I'm closer to my friends now than I have been in years.

I'm not trying to boast, but I think The Game could help you. It sure wouldn't hurt... I hope everything works out for you and if worse comes to worse, we'll all be here for you. Take a crappy situation and make it better!

I also started reading up on NLP (neuro-lingustic programming). It's very interesting and can definitely help in this situation. It's taught me how to control negative thinking patterns and how to change those states of mind.

[fattyjay]

Thank you guys so much for the support. It seems odd that people that are complete strangers can help in situations like these. Like I said earlier I turned to this board for answers because she doesn't want us to discuss it with our friends or her parents. Since the first day I have had a chance to speak to my best friend who lives at the other end of the state, and also have spoken to my mother who lives in Florida. You thoughts and advice helped me get through the first day and until I was able to actually speak to someone about the situation. I will be eternally grateful for that. I will continue to look for help so if anyone wants to add anything to this thread I appreciate it.

After speaking to my wife last night it is apparent that she doesn't want to work on the relationship and actually said that yesterday was the first day she felt good in a long time. I am going to get out of town for the weekend to be with people that support me and try to figure out where to go from here.

Thanks again and I look forward to hearing from any and all!

[agreen_112]

Well man, you gotta move on. Get yourself together and get out there in the field. Network with new friends. Keep yourself busy with video games, movies, or a new hobby. The more you think about it, the worse it's going to be.

[Ickey44]

Thank you guys so much for the support. It seems odd that people that are complete strangers can help in situations like these. Like I said earlier I turned to this board for answers because she doesn't want us to discuss it with our friends or her parents. Since the first day I have had a chance to speak to my best friend who lives at the other end of the state, and also have spoken to my mother who lives in Florida. You thoughts and advice helped me get through the first day and until I was able to actually speak to someone about the situation. I will be eternally grateful for that. I will continue to look for help so if anyone wants to add anything to this thread I appreciate it.

After speaking to my wife last night it is apparent that she doesn't want to work on the relationship and actually said that yesterday was the first day she felt good in a long time. I am going to get out of town for the weekend to be with people that support me and try to figure out where to go from here.

Thanks again and I look forward to hearing from any and all!

Well, her loss then.

[BengalPimp]

I am going to get out of town for the weekend to be with people that support me and try to figure out where to go from here.

Thats probably the best thing you can do right now. Be with friends and loved ones. I know its hard, but just try to stay strong brother, and if you feel you cant, then try to draw strength from others.

[fattyjay]

Thanks again everyone who read or replied. I appreciate the advice you gave and have gotten through the past few days by seeking this kind of help. We have gotten to a place where she feels comfortable telling our friends and family now so it is a bit of a relief not to keep this hidden any more.

Thanks!

[ArmyBengal]

Stay strong brother and do right by YOU !!! You are in our thoughts and we hope all is well...

[BengalPimp]

Stay strong brother and do right by YOU !!! You are in our thoughts and we hope all is well...

Ditto

[fattyjay]

Well, I have some more news to share about my estranged wife. She sat me down last night and told me that she had not told me the truth when I asked her if she was leaving me for someone else. She said that there is another person that she has fellings for and it's someone I know. We both worked at the same company for a couple of years and I had a boss there that was a woman. We all knew that this woman was either lesbian or bi-sexual because she at the time lived with another woman. Well, that's the other person. Shock isn't even close to a word that could describe what I feel.

Please help!

[ArmyBengal]

Ask for a threesome...

Seriously though, that is something she should have told you about herself when the relationship first started. That is totally on her and has ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU !!! Don't let the circumstances get you all twisted up. It sucks that the relationship between the two of you progressed as far as it did before this became an issue, but it is what it is. At least you didn't spend 10 years together, have 3 more children between you, and THEN find out.

I would assume shocl wouldn't come close to finding out your wife was leaving you for another woman, but at the same time, this is a situation where it REALLY HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. Hold your head up, plan on how you are going to deal with this, and execute that plan without thought. It sounds harsh, but in these situations you HAVE to look out for number one... YOU !!!! Don't let the emotion of the whole thing start beating you up mentally.

Seriously dude, you should be all sorts of pissed off about the dishonesty in this situation. The thing is to channel that anger into assuring you do what is in YOUR best interest.

Once again, you are in our thoughts and I truly hope everything works out for you. STAY STRONG !!!

[fattyjay]

Thanks Army! That's about all I can manage right now.

[ArmyBengal]

Thanks Army! That's about all I can manage right now.

The threesome or the other part ??

Smile !!!

[HairOnFire]

My advice?

It's time to go. No fighting. No attempts at reconciliation. Just go.

True story. I have a very close friend whose marriage broke up nearly ten full years ago. At the time of the original split his wife said she simply wasn't happy, and though she said she didn't blame my friend for anything she eventually admitted her unhappiness was the result of him working too hard, and being away too often. Or so she said. But she also said she still loved him. And yes, she would try to work it out.

And so they did.

For eight years.

Eight freaking years.

During this time my friendship with the rejected husband became strained due to my reluctanace to continue supporting his seemingly endless attempts to save his marriage. It's not that I didn't care, but he kept asking for my opinion and I'm just dumb enough to give it. And that became a pretty big problem because I found I could no longer sit on the sidelines watching a good friend fail to stand up for himself. For example, while attempting to put things back together he paid for his wife to take vacations he couldn't afford to take himself. He also paid for renovations on the home she had kicked him out of. And if that's not enough, he continued to pay her credit card debt...never cancelling their joint accounts. He wanted her to be happy, right? And things almost would have continued exactly as they had for those eight years had I not confronted my friend with a rumor I had heard about his wife.

Long story short, there were no bad guys. Everyone involved is a decent person who never intended to hurt anyone. But my friends wife, for reasons she now admits she can't explain, went looking for something she couldn't from her marriage. And there's the rub because you can't provide what they're looking for no matter how hard you try. You can't change and make it better.

It took eight years for my friend to figure out his marriage couldn't be saved no matter how hard he tried, no matter how long he worked at it, and no matter how willing he was to change. He found the situation was not only beyond his control....he actually had very little opportunity to have any impact on it whatsoever. He was almost a bystander.

Eventually it all sorted itself out. Eight years after being asked to leave his own home he finally called it quits, and filed for divorce. One year later it was done. His ex-wife now lives in Palm Springs with her so-called life partner, and my buddy has moved in with a very nice gal that my wife introduced him. He's happy again. Life goes on. And if he has any regrets I'm sure they begin with the amount of time he wasted trying to fix something that no longer existed.

[fattyjay]

Thanks Army! That's about all I can manage right now.

The threesome or the other part ??

Smile !!!

Uh...not the threesome.

[fattyjay]

My advice?

It's time to go. No fighting. No attempts at reconciliation. Just go.

True story. I have a very close friend whose marriage broke up nearly ten full years ago. At the time of the original split his wife said she simply wasn't happy, and though she said she didn't blame my friend for anything she eventually admitted her unhappiness was the result of him working too hard, and being away too often. Or so she said. But she also said she still loved him. And yes, she would try to work it out.

And so they did.

For eight years.

Eight freaking years.

During this time my friendship with the rejected husband became strained due to my reluctanace to continue supporting his seemingly endless attempts to save his marriage. It's not that I didn't care, but he kept asking for my opinion and I'm just dumb enough to give it. And that became a pretty big problem because I found I could no longer sit on the sidelines watching a good friend fail to stand up for himself. For example, while attempting to put things back together he paid for his wife to take vacations he couldn't afford to take himself. He also paid for renovations on the home she had kicked him out of. And if that's not enough, he continued to pay her credit card debt...never cancelling their joint accounts. He wanted her to be happy, right? And things almost would have continued exactly as they had for those eight years had I not confronted my friend with a rumor I had heard about his wife.

Long story short, there were no bad guys. Everyone involved is a decent person who never intended to hurt anyone. But my friends wife, for reasons she now admits she can't explain, went looking for something she couldn't from her marriage. And there's the rub because you can't provide what they're looking for no matter how hard you try. You can't change and make it better.

It took eight years for my friend to figure out his marriage couldn't be saved no matter how hard he tried, no matter how long he worked at it, and no matter how willing he was to change. He found the situation was not only beyond his control....he actually had very little opportunity to have any impact on it whatsoever. He was almost a bystander.

Eventually it all sorted itself out. Eight years after being asked to leave his own home he finally called it quits, and filed for divorce. One year later it was done. His ex-wife now lives in Palm Springs with her so-called life partner, and my buddy has moved in with a very nice gal that my wife introduced him. He's happy again. Life goes on. And if he has any regrets I'm sure they begin with the amount of time he wasted trying to fix something that no longer existed.

Yeah I think I'm at the point of no reconciliation. She has hurt me beyond repair. My dilema at this point is what contact if any at all I should have with her because I am completely attached to her kids. They have a father in their life but being their other dad for four years is going to be hard to give up.

Thanks for your story Hair, all these things help keep my situation in perspective.

[gregstephens]

My advice?

It's time to go. No fighting. No attempts at reconciliation. Just go.

True story. I have a very close friend whose marriage broke up nearly ten full years ago. At the time of the original split his wife said she simply wasn't happy, and though she said she didn't blame my friend for anything she eventually admitted her unhappiness was the result of him working too hard, and being away too often. Or so she said. But she also said she still loved him. And yes, she would try to work it out.

And so they did.

For eight years.

Eight freaking years.

During this time my friendship with the rejected husband became strained due to my reluctanace to continue supporting his seemingly endless attempts to save his marriage. It's not that I didn't care, but he kept asking for my opinion and I'm just dumb enough to give it. And that became a pretty big problem because I found I could no longer sit on the sidelines watching a good friend fail to stand up for himself. For example, while attempting to put things back together he paid for his wife to take vacations he couldn't afford to take himself. He also paid for renovations on the home she had kicked him out of. And if that's not enough, he continued to pay her credit card debt...never cancelling their joint accounts. He wanted her to be happy, right? And things almost would have continued exactly as they had for those eight years had I not confronted my friend with a rumor I had heard about his wife.

Long story short, there were no bad guys. Everyone involved is a decent person who never intended to hurt anyone. But my friends wife, for reasons she now admits she can't explain, went looking for something she couldn't from her marriage. And there's the rub because you can't provide what they're looking for no matter how hard you try. You can't change and make it better.

It took eight years for my friend to figure out his marriage couldn't be saved no matter how hard he tried, no matter how long he worked at it, and no matter how willing he was to change. He found the situation was not only beyond his control....he actually had very little opportunity to have any impact on it whatsoever. He was almost a bystander.

Eventually it all sorted itself out. Eight years after being asked to leave his own home he finally called it quits, and filed for divorce. One year later it was done. His ex-wife now lives in Palm Springs with her so-called life partner, and my buddy has moved in with a very nice gal that my wife introduced him. He's happy again. Life goes on. And if he has any regrets I'm sure they begin with the amount of time he wasted trying to fix something that no longer existed.

Yeah I think I'm at the point of no reconciliation. She has hurt me beyond repair. My dilema at this point is what contact if any at all I should have with her because I am completely attached to her kids. They have a father in their life but being their other dad for four years is going to be hard to give up.

Thanks for your story Hair, all these things help keep my situation in perspective.

Here's my question, and please forgive my ignorance here. Do you actually have anything other than her word that she's hooked up with this other chick? She may be saying that to try to throw an extra bit of hurt on you. It's injury to hook up with another guy. It's insult to that injury to claim to hook up with another chick. It may be a mind game.

Either way, as hard as it is going to be, I'd focus on my life without her being a part of it. I would focus on the fact she's out of my life because she doesn't have the decency to honor what committments you two had made to each other. I wouldn't give any thought as to who, or what, the other person is, because ultimately, it just doesn't matter.

And be careful of the whole HER kid-thing. I understand you love them, but they still aren't yours. You not being a part of their lives anymore is nothing on you. If that hurts them, it's her fault for being so selfish. Don't let her use them to somehow keep you on the hook and manipulate your mind.

[fattyjay]

My advice?

It's time to go. No fighting. No attempts at reconciliation. Just go.

True story. I have a very close friend whose marriage broke up nearly ten full years ago. At the time of the original split his wife said she simply wasn't happy, and though she said she didn't blame my friend for anything she eventually admitted her unhappiness was the result of him working too hard, and being away too often. Or so she said. But she also said she still loved him. And yes, she would try to work it out.

And so they did.

For eight years.

Eight freaking years.

During this time my friendship with the rejected husband became strained due to my reluctanace to continue supporting his seemingly endless attempts to save his marriage. It's not that I didn't care, but he kept asking for my opinion and I'm just dumb enough to give it. And that became a pretty big problem because I found I could no longer sit on the sidelines watching a good friend fail to stand up for himself. For example, while attempting to put things back together he paid for his wife to take vacations he couldn't afford to take himself. He also paid for renovations on the home she had kicked him out of. And if that's not enough, he continued to pay her credit card debt...never cancelling their joint accounts. He wanted her to be happy, right? And things almost would have continued exactly as they had for those eight years had I not confronted my friend with a rumor I had heard about his wife.

Long story short, there were no bad guys. Everyone involved is a decent person who never intended to hurt anyone. But my friends wife, for reasons she now admits she can't explain, went looking for something she couldn't from her marriage. And there's the rub because you can't provide what they're looking for no matter how hard you try. You can't change and make it better.

It took eight years for my friend to figure out his marriage couldn't be saved no matter how hard he tried, no matter how long he worked at it, and no matter how willing he was to change. He found the situation was not only beyond his control....he actually had very little opportunity to have any impact on it whatsoever. He was almost a bystander.

Eventually it all sorted itself out. Eight years after being asked to leave his own home he finally called it quits, and filed for divorce. One year later it was done. His ex-wife now lives in Palm Springs with her so-called life partner, and my buddy has moved in with a very nice gal that my wife introduced him. He's happy again. Life goes on. And if he has any regrets I'm sure they begin with the amount of time he wasted trying to fix something that no longer existed.

Yeah I think I'm at the point of no reconciliation. She has hurt me beyond repair. My dilema at this point is what contact if any at all I should have with her because I am completely attached to her kids. They have a father in their life but being their other dad for four years is going to be hard to give up.

Thanks for your story Hair, all these things help keep my situation in perspective.

Here's my question, and please forgive my ignorance here. Do you actually have anything other than her word that she's hooked up with this other chick? She may be saying that to try to throw an extra bit of hurt on you. It's injury to hook up with another guy. It's insult to that injury to claim to hook up with another chick. It may be a mind game.

Either way, as hard as it is going to be, I'd focus on my life without her being a part of it. I would focus on the fact she's out of my life because she doesn't have the decency to honor what committments you two had made to each other. I wouldn't give any thought as to who, or what, the other person is, because ultimately, it just doesn't matter.

And be careful of the whole HER kid-thing. I understand you love them, but they still aren't yours. You not being a part of their lives anymore is nothing on you. If that hurts them, it's her fault for being so selfish. Don't let her use them to somehow keep you on the hook and manipulate your mind.

In regards to your question about the truth about the other woman, yes I have proof. We have a lot of mutual friends through her work (which the other woman is also a part of) and my soon to be ex finally told her girlfirends that she works with. They all went out to lunch together and discussed her decision. The one friend that she has had the longest has since discontinued their friendship. She has also told me that she is in love with this person and plans on moving in with her. I would say that is enough evidence besides the fact that I really don't know why she would want to intentionally hurt me.

I have started to focus on my life without her and it is feeling a little better each day. Your exactly right about the fact that it doesn't matter who she did this with and completely agree that my life will be better eventually without her.

The kid thing is tough. I go back and forth on this issue as to how I foresee their future. This morning I had a sit down with her regarding the possible negative outcomes of her decision to pursue this relationship with this woman. I told her that I wasn't speaking from a standpoint of my feelings any more, but I was thinking of her and the kids future. I told her I think she is risking the loss of her friends, her family, her children, and quite possibly her job by choosing this relationship. Some of her friends have already stopped supporting her. When she tells her family, knowing them as I do, they might not be able to handle it either. The kids father is the type of guy that will, when he finds out the entire truth, immediately try to take full custody. And the job thing is I think just a matter of time before they both get fired due to the nature of their jobs and the nature of the organization that they work for.

Having said all this to her, it seems as though she is in denial about losing everything. She says that they have already discussed ways that they will avoid those losses. I disagree and think that she is only thinking about herself and her "new found love". I feel better about my situation after having this discussion with her just because I feel I have fulfilled all my obligations as husband and friend. After we spoke I realized that no matter what advice I give her she will ultimately do what she is going to do.