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PETER KING RELEASES RANKINGS, ADMITS RETARDATION


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PETER KING RELEASES RANKINGS, ADMITS RETARDATION

July 16, 2007

Montclair, NJ—In a long expected move today, Peter King admitted he is mentally retarded in his popular Monday Morning QB column. King, alongside his wife and two daughters, addressed a group of reporters from his home in New Jersey.

“I feel like it is time to admit what many of you have already expected,” said King in between sips of Starbucks coffee, “It is true. I have a low IQ which classifies me as mentally retarded.”

Reporters and onlookers received King’s confession with nodding heads and looks of agreement.

“It doesn’t really surprise me,” said Jeremy Thompson, 16, “Anyone who has read his columns over the years must have seen this coming. I’m not sure how he has managed to stay at Sports Illustrated while being so stupid.”

Kings confession coincides with the release of his NFL Pre-Season Power Rankings, wherein King defies the collective opinion of the NFL community to go out on a limb of retardation. Many in the press are already hailing these rankings as the perfect example of King’s sub-standard intelligence.

In the rankings, King lists the Pittsburgh Steelers (a decrepit franchise filled with Communists) at a respectable number 12. All of this despite the departure of important coaches Ken Whisenhunt and Russ Grimm to the Arizona Cardinals. Also faced with a disgruntled team captain in guard Alan Faneca and the departure of locker-room leader Joey Porter, the Steelers will have to rely on the unproven leadership of quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. Last year, Roethlisberger crashed his Suzuki superbike in a move many media analysts characterized as “really retarded, I mean shortbus retarded.” As of press, there is no confirmed connection between Roethlisberger’s retardation and King’s retardation. Though, many questions still remain.

Amazingly, King then ranks the Detroit Lions at number 13. The Lions, a franchise long recognized for its retarded obsession with drafting wide receivers, has spent the last several years at the bottom of the NFL win columns. Other sportswriters present at King’s ceremony hailed this move as classic King retardation.

“Durrrrrrr,” King replied to reporters’ questions about the logic of his rankings.

King then goes on to rank the Cincinnati Bengals at number 17, amazingly behind the Detroit Lions and the Pittsburgh Steelers, writing, “Mediocre across the board last year -- 4-4 at home, 4-4 on the road, 6-6 in the conference. What's changed? Sam Adams and Leon Hall. In other words, very little. That's why I put the Bengals smack dab in the middle of the pack.”

Rich Eisen of the NFL Network comments, “Yeah this pretty much confirms it. When I ran into Peter over the years I always suspected something wasn’t quite right. I mean he is a nice guy but if he doesn’t get a latte with a banana in it or whatever, he goes… well… mental. Putting the Bengals behind the Steelers and Lions can only be seen as a cry for help.”

Eisen and others recognize the important differences between the Bengals this year and the Bengals last year. Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer, who returned from a devastating knee injury last year, has now had all offseason to work with his wide receivers. Also, the impending return of Odell Thurman and the removal of legal distractions should make the Bengals a much more dominating team.

“Let these rankings stand as a testament to my confession,” King said to the gathered crowd, “If anyone questions my retardation, look at these rankings. I am obviously not qualified to be making such opinions. Now if you’ll excuse me, Dora the Explorer is about to start and I need to get my pudding.”

King then retired to his home with his family and friends. The mood in Montclair can only be described as one of relief. Members of the press, sports fans and people around the world are glad to finally get this out into the open, ending years of uncomfortable tension.

“I can finally just move on,” says Mary Phillips of Trenton, “I always thought King was retarded and now I know. It’s just good to get… some closure I guess. We can get on with our daily lives and continue being fans of the game, knowing a big, drooling retard is working for Sports Illustrated.”

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Yeah, yeah, he ranked the Bengals low. Cry about it.

It's the Lions at 13 overall that is so amusing.

Peter King loves him some Kitna and hates him some Mike Brown, so there you go.

This kind of thing from him signals the unofficial beginning of the 2007 season...

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Thanks guys. I'm working on a few more articles though not all football related. I'm working on one right now titled "SILENT HILL, WEST VIRGINIA NAMED MOST LIVABLE TOWN IN WEST VIRGINIA" because West Virginia sucks and is a chore to drive through on the way to the Outer Banks. And no problem TDB.

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