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Ox

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Hey Ox, I'm a big fan who is hoping you can help me out on a troubling issue.

I love to go to strip clubs and for some reason I always sit in the front row with my stupid grin and plenty of rolled up dollar bills of various denominations. Long before my evening ends my money and my grin are both gone, and with them goes the personal attention of the strippers. No kidding, they all seem to know the very moment I'm tapped out and when that moment arrives they no longer let me inspect their mellons or that fuzzy little truck patch where the mellons came from.

Here's my question. Why can't I be content to sit in the 2nd row where I could easily glance over the shoulder of some other guy who is giving away rolled up money? The view is almost exactly the same, right? So why must I insist on sitting in the more expensive front row?

Thanks in advance for your answer.

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Hey Ox, I'm a big fan who is hoping you can help me out on a troubling issue.

I love to go to strip clubs and for some reason I always sit in the front row with my stupid grin and plenty of rolled up dollar bills of various denominations. Long before my evening ends my money and my grin are both gone, and with them goes the personal attention of the strippers. No kidding, they all seem to know the very moment I'm tapped out and when that moment arrives they no longer let me inspect their mellons or that fuzzy little truck patch where the mellons came from.

Here's my question. Why can't I be content to sit in the 2nd row where I could easily glance over the shoulder of some other guy who is giving away rolled up money? The view is almost exactly the same, right? So why must I insist on sitting in the more expensive front row?

Thanks in advance for your answer.

Sexy_dancer_01.jpg

I often ask myself, "Why do I go to Strip Clubs? I mean come on! What is the outcome going to be?" It's the same friggin' thing everytime. I could get the same effect by staying home, rubbing my pecker on the carpet for a friction burn, and flushing $100 down the toilet. Same damn thing.

- Me, circa 1999

For those of our younger patrons of this fine site, The OX (err Wikipedia) will define a Strip Club for you:

A strip club is a nightclub or bar that offers striptease and possibly other related services such as lap dances. High-end establishments tend to call themselves gentlemen's clubs. Low-end establishments may be referred to as titty bars.

They may also be referred to as "Spain's Mom's House"

:ph34r:

HOF,

I completely feel your pain. There is nothing more disheartening than the feeling of being used by a stripper. You go home to the wife/gf/cinemax smelling like vanilla, with a new shade of stripper blush on your shirt. Then you get yelled at, when all you wanna do is go back to that glorious place where you enjoy HAVING to sit on your hands. I mean after all, you just paid for a criminally gorgeous woman to sit on your manhood and grind her pelvic region into your groin in nothing but a G-String, while smothering your face into her two, big lucious br..............

**ahem***

Sit in the front row. Sometimes we must punish ourselves to win the big prize. Bring lots of ones. Grin on my friend. Never be the guy in the second row.

I think you knew that. :D

ASK THE OX

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Sit in the front row. Sometimes we must punish ourselves to win the big prize. Bring lots of ones. Grin on my friend. Never be the guy in the second row.

I think you knew that. :D

Yes, I feared this would be your answer. Don't get me wrong because I don't disagree with you. In fact, I've always suspected that there is precious little joy to be had when staring at the genitals of a woman who is only interested in the money of some guy you're sitting behind. The patron/stripper bond has to be highly personal or it's cheapened, right? Still, my wallet weeps a silent tear knowing that I'll soon be coming home flat broke yet again...covered from head to toe in the stench of cheap perfume, cigarettes, and the sweet smelling sweat of a grinding lesbian.

Perhaps you'll allow me to ask a follow up question?

Some time ago I was enjoying the artistic stylings and gyrations of a stripper named Marie. Were I to describe Marie I would start with her long legs, dark hair, and small natural breasts. Sadly, I'm also certain that Marie had arms and a head as she soon stopped her act abruptly and approached the friend sitting next to me. She quickly described herself as his childhood babysitter and the two began discussing what each had been up to during their decades apart. Much to my lasting shock my rather impressive erection died prematurely the moment this totally naked woman sat down next to me so that she could show my friend snapshots of her two children, Scott and Amber...ages 6 and 4.

Ox, why did this happen? Marie wasn't my babysitter, right? And her surprising actions had actually brought her nude body closer to me. So why did my chub go away?

Am I gay?

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Hey Ox,

Why is it that even though I wake up with "wood" every morning, my palms are surprisingly free of splinters. What gives? I'm not complaining, it's just that you'd think after handling that much lumber so many times, you'd be pricked now and again.

Sincerely,

Bewildered Willie

Remember Billy, you can prick your finger, but never finger your prick.

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[

Yes, I feared this would be your answer. Don't get me wrong because I don't disagree with you. In fact, I've always suspected that there is precious little joy to be had when staring at the genitals of a woman who is only interested in the money of some guy you're sitting behind. The patron/stripper bond has to be highly personal or it's cheapened, right? Still, my wallet weeps a silent tear knowing that I'll soon be coming home flat broke yet again...covered from head to toe in the stench of cheap perfume, cigarettes, and the sweet smelling sweat of a grinding lesbian.

Perhaps you'll allow me to ask a follow up question?

Some time ago I was enjoying the artistic stylings and gyrations of a stripper named Marie. Were I to describe Marie I would start with her long legs, dark hair, and small natural breasts. Sadly, I'm also certain that Marie had arms and a head as she soon stopped her act abruptly and approached the friend sitting next to me. She quickly described herself as his childhood babysitter and the two began discussing what each had been up to during their decades apart. Much to my lasting shock my rather impressive erection died prematurely the moment this totally naked woman sat down next to me so that she could show my friend snapshots of her two children, Scott and Amber...ages 6 and 4.

Ox, why did this happen? Marie wasn't my babysitter, right? And her surprising actions had actually brought her nude body closer to me. So why did my chub go away?

Am I gay?

You Sir are certainly NOT gay. Let's first establish that. Gay men are more interested in a strippers shoes than her ass.

Now, your question is better answered by a story. Everyone gather round Uncle Ox.

Once upon a time, ther was a man who was to be married, and he had a group of close friends that took him to many "tatty bars" for his bachelor party. We'll just call him, um I dunno, how about Kerry. Well this was fine and dandy with Kerry, a he enjoys the smell of stale cigerattes and Vanilla perfume on naked bodies. Kerry and Co. strolled into a nice establishment called "The Pretty Kitty", were there were beautiful ladies and not that many dudes.

A half an hour into the night at this club, the DJ called Kerry to the stage. His head was sunburnt from the golf played earlier, and this only further increased the redness on his already red dome. Kerry strolled to the stage, where he was informed that he was going to get a special treat. Kerry was made to sit in a chair, on his hands, on the stage with the back of the chair against the notorious pole.

:excitedgroup:

It was a good omen, or so he thought.

Both Kerry and the crowd were then informed, by the DJ, that Kerry was to get his "face raped" by the 7 buck nake strippers waiting in line on stage.

Yes, there was climbing. :D

Yes there was sliding. :rockon:

Yes, there were female orfices placed on face, upside down on the pole Kerry's red, bald head was pressed against. :banana:

Yes it was amazing. And wrong, all at the same time. But Kerry loved it.

The one thing Kerry couldn't figure out though, is why something just SEEMED wrong. There was something, just something, not right in this picture.

So Kerry looked around at the WONDERFULLY gifted young women that had gave him this gift. It was then, and only then, that Kerry recognized his second cousin, whom he only sees once every decade, had in fact helped "face rape" him.

:o

:unsure:

:cry:

Guess things really are f*cked up in Kentucky.

I understand this just disgusted many of you, and that you may find this story inappropriate. But I say it is not. It is a serious violation that can occur if you aren't careful to fend off relatives in booby bars. Your chub is NEVER safe.

The moral of the story, my friends, is sometimes, unfortunate things happen in the strip clubs, and you should always look out for relatives when getting slimed on by strippers.

This, quite, quite sadly is a true story.

No seriously, it is.

Good thing I don't know that guy...

;)

ASK THE OX

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Dearest Ox;

Does Kerry currently live in Lexington, Ky?

Love always,

TJ

TJ,

I cannot reveal such privileged information.

But if I were to guess, I'd say he's lived there for 5 years now. ;)

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The moral of the story, my friends, is sometimes, unfortunate things happen in the strip clubs, and you should always look out for relatives when getting slimed on by strippers.

I think I understand. Despite the fact that you were being face raped by six other strippers you weren't related to...your chub, which we are all aware has a tiny mind of it's own, became fixated on your distant cousin. And while the overall experience should have remained overwhelmingly pleasant...cruel reality had intruded into your fantasy.

Ox, I believe your cousin had no business face raping you at that particular moment in time because you hadn't had time to properly prepare your chub. Had you not been surprised in the manner described I'm quite confident that you could have had an inner conversation with your chub, during which I am absolutely certain you could have convinced it that your cousin was indeed quite doable.

In my own example my fantasy was shattered, not by a distant relative, but by photographs showing the smiling faces of stripper kids, Scott and Amber, ages 4 and 6. I wasn't given the time needed to have an inner conversation with my chub...preparing it for the reality that Marie was indeed a real person, and not just a vagina on a stick that gyrated for quarters. So to speak.

No wonder my chub retreated faster than the French army!!!! Mystery solved.

Thanks Ox. :sure:

Next question: Why isn't Foghat considered to be the greatest rock band of all time?

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Ox - do fish get thirsty ?

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I'm not the Ox - lo, how could any of us but the Ox be he but he himself? - but that answer is sutrely obvious to everyone assembled here: how could Foghat be anything but a distant second to the Bay City Rollers!?

How dare you presume yourself worthy to answer in place of the oracle known as Ox. :angry:

As for your feable attempt at sharing wisdom, must I remind you that it was a Foghatted anthem named "Slow Ride" that was featured in a commercial where a half naked hottie eats a hamburger atop a mechanical bull!!! What could scream rock and roll more than that? Let me also remind your plaid colored tin ear that this same song is now being featured in a car ad that depicts shots of fur covered beds and drink filled mini-fridges to hammer home the point that regardless of where you might be in your life you must always..."respect the van."

Last, who can forget the fact that Foghat's lead guitarist, Rod Price, was once arrested by the Scottish police due to his repeated habit of using over 1 million dollars worth of amplifiers to "bounce" his playing off of a nearby mountain, thereby ticking off his wealthy neighbors. And that, my friends, is an act of pure Spinal Tappian genius that is far more impressive than having a single amplifier with a knob that goes up to 11.

Foghat rules.

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What can I say...I knew I wasn't worthy, and tried to be anyway.

What greater foolishness could I ever aspire to?

You're forgiven, as long as there are no further slights of Foghat. I simply will not stand for that.

BTW, I'll throw this next question out for anyone who wants to answer since I'm so pressed for time I may not be able to wait for Ox's wisdom.

What's the best way to dispose of a dead hooker? Putting her in the freezer seems at best like a short term solution, placing her in a shallow grave in my back yard might interfere with my gardening, and tossing her out along the roadside feels like littering....and even I know that's wrong.

Prompt replies appreciated.

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What can I say...I knew I wasn't worthy, and tried to be anyway.

What greater foolishness could I ever aspire to?

You're forgiven, as long as there are no further slights of Foghat. I simply will not stand for that.

BTW, I'll throw this next question out for anyone who wants to answer since I'm so pressed for time I may not be able to wait for Ox's wisdom.

What's the best way to dispose of a dead hooker? Putting her in the freezer seems at best like a short term solution, placing her in a shallow grave in my back yard might interfere with my gardening, and tossing her out along the roadside feels like littering....and even I know that's wrong.

Prompt replies appreciated.

First you need an open workspace outdoors (preferably away from civilization). You'll need fire wood, a skinning knife, lime, matches, a shovel, a giant pot, water, a crushing surface, and something to grind bones into dust. First you will dismember the body and set a pot of water to boil. You will boil each part and then remove all flesh from the bones. You will set the skin and organs aside for the time being and start a fire. You will then place the bones into the fire and allow them to roast for a while. While the bones are roasting you will bury the skin and organs and cover them with the lime. After you have completed this you will remove the bones from the fire and allow them to cool. You will then take the dried out bones and crush them into a fine powder and dispose of the powder into a river or big lake.

A quicker solution would be to dismember the body, mix the parts into cement blocks, and throw them into a river.

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First you need an open workspace outdoors (preferably away from civilization). You'll need fire wood, a skinning knife, lime, matches, a shovel, a giant pot, water, a crushing surface, and something to grind bones into dust. First you will dismember the body and set a pot of water to boil. You will boil each part and then remove all flesh from the bones. You will set the skin and organs aside for the time being and start a fire. You will then place the bones into the fire and allow them to roast for a while. While the bones are roasting you will bury the skin and organs and cover them with the lime. After you have completed this you will remove the bones from the fire and allow them to cool. You will then take the dried out bones and crush them into a fine powder and dispose of the powder into a river or big lake.

Thanks Blain. It sounds like I'll be going camping this weekend!!! :sure:

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Blain is this experience or just fantasy, that allows you to come up with such a complete and IMO genius plan.

If I had known about this in 1997 I would not have had to pay my ex so much money to get her to leave.

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Blain is this experience or just fantasy, that allows you to come up with such a complete and IMO genius plan.

If I had known about this in 1997 I would not have had to pay my ex so much money to get her to leave.

I had a Critical Thinking class in the 8th grade (1998), and, as a project, we would each write questions for the class, and get together in groups to solve all of them. One day, somebody came up with the question how would you get rid of a dead body, and that was the answer my group came up with. Its pretty amazing what 13 year olds can come up with.

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Blain is this experience or just fantasy, that allows you to come up with such a complete and IMO genius plan.

If I had known about this in 1997 I would not have had to pay my ex so much money to get her to leave.

I had a Critical Thinking class in the 8th grade (1998), and, as a project, we would each write questions for the class, and get together in groups to solve all of them. One day, somebody came up with the question how would you get rid of a dead body, and that was the answer my group came up with. Its pretty amazing what 13 year olds can come up with.

That's not amazing, that's f*cking scary !!! :fear:

WHODEY !!!

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I had a Critical Thinking class in the 8th grade (1998), and, as a project, we would each write questions for the class, and get together in groups to solve all of them. One day, somebody came up with the question how would you get rid of a dead body, and that was the answer my group came up with. Its pretty amazing what 13 year olds can come up with.

I read of another example of this type of thing, and it involved saving people. They asked 12 and 13 year old students to come up with ways to save more passengers from the Titanic. Among their answers...

1 - Hit the iceberg directly instead of attempting to evade it. This would crush the ships bow and kill several dozen people, but if the ship wasn't opened along her entire side it doesn't sink at all.

2 - Load the lifeboats to capacity before tying them together in a large circle. Then fill the space inside the circle with anything on the ship that would float. Passengers unable to find space on lifeboats could then float upon several hundred wooden doors placed over the floating debris. The doors could have been very easily removed from the ship during the hours before it sank, and it wouldn't have been hard to secure them together using available materials. Keep in mind that the ocean was said to be calm as glass that night.

3 - Use lifeboats to ferry passengers to the iceberg the ship hit, as well as several others nearby. They float, right? (Rescue ships arrived the next morning.)

BTW, experts admitted that all of the proposals had real merit and could have saved hundreds of lives.

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