NFL's New Profit Strategy

[COB]

AP – (New York City) – The NFL has announced it will go on the offensive in regards to concussions and the publicity surrounding them.

NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell said Thursday that, “We need to monetize this phenomena. What are we good at producing? Concussions. So where is our revenue stream?”

Goodell announced the league has trademarked the term, “NFLcussion.” The commissioner said, “We’ve got a trademark on that term, and we will pursue royalty money wherever we see it. You can’t use the term, ‘concussion’ anymore. There are no more ‘concussions’. If you are a high school sophomore, and you want to be like your heroes in the NFL, then when you get drilled on a kickoff coverage or something and get your ‘NFLcussion’, we expect to be compensated for that. We’ve already started a dialogue with all 50 high school athletic associations and we’ll be tracking NFLcussions and charging for each one.”

The announcement was made at the NFL’s Park Avenue offices. Mark Hoover, sports columnist for the New York Daily News, asked, “Are you serious? This is an injury, not a product to sell. How can you possibly hope to…” Hoover was unable to finish his question as he was set upon by goons, beaten and dragged away. Goodell chuckled a little and said, “That’s probably an NFLcussion right there, and you can bet his paper will be compensating us for that.” Goodell then answered the question Hoover had tried to ask by saying, “All this injury talk, that’s just the liberal media’s narrative. We set the narrative, and the fact is that NFLcussions aren’t some negative thing. They’re a badge of honor. Real men get NFLcussions.”

During Goodell’s press conference, NFL director of media relations Candy Eyepiece distributed a press release indicating that ESPN, Fox, NBC, CBS, had agreed to no longer use the term, “concussion,” and would instead refer to concussive head trauma injuries as, “NFLcussions.” Goodell stated, “As you can see, our media partners agree with us that NFLcussion is the more accurate term. All other media outlets will agree, if they know what’s good for them.”

The dean of the Harvard Business School, Trey Frippingham IV, said, “Another audacious move by the NFL. They are writing a new book on business. Turn a negative into a positive, if you can. They see revenue in places conventional businesses just don’t see it. Like charging people to use the term, ‘Super Bowl,’ that was brilliant. Making the halftime act at the Super Bowl pay to play in it. Brilliant. I know for a fact that the blue ribbon neurological team they hired to study concussions only did so for a few days, then they were transitioned to study ways the NFL can charge fans for thinking about the NFL. Look how far downstream they’re looking. The NFL has my respect!”

When told of Frippingham’s comments, Goodell said, “Did he actually say ‘Super Bowl’? Good, we’ve got a team of lawyers headed over there right now. We’ll get paid for this.”

At the end of his press conference Goodell announced an NFL media campaign would start this weekend, designed to educate and promote “NFLcussions.” The campaign will be called, “Be An NFL Warrior, Get An NFLcussion.” It is aimed at young people, and will replace the current “Play 60” campaign. Goodell said, “This is a new paradigm, a new way of looking at this incredible NFLcussion phenomena. Thank god those dark days of looking at them as some sort of negative are over. Our young people should be encouraged to get an NFLcussion. And, yes, we expect to be compensated for every last one of them.”

[HoosierCat]

:lmao:

I understand that ESPN will be bringing back its "Jacked Up" segment as "You Got NFLcussed!"

[Earendil]

COB, have you ever considered applying for a job at The Onion?

[COB]

COB, have you ever considered applying for a job at The Onion?

No, I'll never bow down to our corporate overlords. #Hashbrown WriteForObscureMessageBoardsOnly