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Top 10 Legends of Stand Up


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#10 - MITCH HEDBERG [1968-2005]

"I was in a casino, I was standing by the door and a security guard came over and said 'You're gonna have to move. You're blocking the fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit. Unless you are a table."

#09 - WOODY ALLEN [1935- ]

"I feel sex is a beautiful thing between two people. Between five, it's fantastic."

#08 - BILL HICKS [1961-94]

"I was in Nashville, Tennesee last year. After the show I went to a Waffle House. I'm not proud of it, I was hungry. And I'm alone, I'm eating and I'm reading a book, right? Waitress walks over to me: 'Hey, whatcha readin' for?' Isn't that the weirdest f**kin' question you've ever heard? Not what am I reading, but what am I reading FOR? Well, godammit, ya stumped me! Why do I read? Well . . . hmmm . . . I dunno . . . I guess I read for a lot of reasons and the main one is so I don't end up being a f**kin' waffle waitress."

#07 - CHRIS ROCK [1965- ]

"Do you know what the good side of crack is? If you're up at the right hour, you can get a VCR for $1.50. You can furnish your whole house for $10.95."

#06 - SAM KINISON [1953-92]

"Jesus is the only guy that ever came back from the dead that didn’t scare the f**k out of everybody! He’s the only guy that ever crawled out of the grave where people didn’t go, ooohhh! I just saw some f**ker crawl out of his grave! I don’t believe I’m seeing this s**t! Did you see that? This guy just crawled out of his box through the earth! . . . Jesus comes back, he doesn’t get any pressure, no static. Nobody’s upset. He climbs out, he’s walking around, nobody’s upset. They can eat with him and everything . . ."

#05 - EDDIE MURPHY [1961- ]

"And this is the business to be in if you want some p***y. That's why I got in show bussiness, for p***y. I figured, if Jimmy Walker can f**k, I'm f**king everybody. And it's like that too. When you do TV shows, women would be throwing p***y at me on the street like frisbee."

#04 - RODNEY DANGERFIELD [1921-2004]

"During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel."

#03 - LENNY BRUCE [1925-66]

"If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic schoolchildren would be wearing little electric chairs around their necks instead of crosses."

#02 - GEORGE CARLIN [1937- ]

"Religion easily has the best bulls**t story of all time. Think about it. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man . . . living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of 10 specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money."

#01 - RICHARD PRYOR [1940-2005]

“I like makin' love myself . . . and I can make love for about three minutes. I do about three minutes of serious f**kin', then I need eight hours sleep . . . and a bowl of Wheaties!”

What do you think?

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Surprised that Eddie Murphy isn't on the list!

He's there at No. 5.

Pryor and Carlin are right on.

What about Robin Williams? His stuff during the late 70's and early 80's was incredible.

Personally I'm a Sam Kinison fan.


"Have You Seen Me Lately" was side splitingly funny!

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