Biggest Ben Rises From The Dead!!!!

[HairOnFire]

BIGGEST BEN BEATS BACK DEATH

Associated Press (AP)

Written By Paul Myfinger

BRISTOL, Conn. -- Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger said Wednesday night that he was told he was "seconds, maybe a minute away from dying" immediately after his motorcycle accident last month.

Roethlisberger, in his first interview since the June 12 accident, told ESPN's "SportsCenter" that he doesn't remember much about the accident when he rammed his motorcycle into a car that was making a left turn in front of him on a Pittsburgh street. He did, however, remember what he was told by some very stupid people at the scene.

Witnesses claimed that Roethlisberger crashed into a car, and after breifly flying over the roof of the vehicle became violently impaled upon a cross that had been placed along the roadside to mark the location where a much earlier accident had tragically claimed a life.

After paramedics arrived they found the unconscience Roethlisberger clinging Christ-like to the cross. After stabilizing his vital functions Roethlisberger was lowered gently from the cross as a strange and wonderful music played in the background. "I think it was that Yanni guy," said witness Vinnie D. Italiano. "You know, the pan flute dude."

"They told me that I was literally seconds, maybe a minute away from dying because I slit a vein or artery in my mouth or my throat and it was draining blood right into my stomach and luckily the paramedic noticed it and stopped it or else I would have had too much blood in my stomach," he told ESPN's Jim Rome in Los Angeles, where he was for the taping of the ESPYS. Rome quickly responded by telling Roethlisberger that..."That old woman really brought it. She bitched you up but good. Now that's it, I'm out. Rack 'em."

Once the bleeding had been stopped paramedics then transferred the injured drama queen into an ambulance that sped him to a nearby hospital where his facial injuries were cried over for several hours, and later treated.

"I remember very few things about the accident," Roethlisberger said. "I remember one car turning in front of me, I don't remember the car that hit me, but I remember that first car turning in front of me and the next thing I remember is being in the ambulance and asking, 'Is this really happening?'

It was really happening.

Roethlisberger has claimed to have learned much from his near death experience. "I believe I've been blessed. One of the paramedics told me that when I was on that cross he saw a heavenly light appear over my head, and that's got to mean something, right?"

However, when asked about the remark the paramedic gave a different version. "I told the big girl that he had been hit by a car and he probaly felt funny due to being lightheaded from the concussion he suffered. But I don't think he understood what I was saying as he immediately started yammering stuff about having a halo and being the chosen one. Frankly, the guy seemed like an idiot, but I guess that's what you get when you don't wear a helmet."

In reaction to the news of Roethlisbergers near death experience the fine citizens of Pittsburgh have recently been observed participating in what appears to be the grass roots beginning of a new religion based upon the accident. At the intersection where the accident occured a painting of the Biggest Ben impaled upon the roadside cross has appeared on the concrete underpass, and the number seven was painted on the road at the point of impact. Other symbols associated with the new religion include depictions of broken teeth, a winged motorcycle helmet, and members of the flock wearing their baseball caps backward. Some have claimed that this allows the rain and sunshine to get into their eyes, but doubters often find themselves shunned at nearby bars and unemployment offices.

As strange as it may sound the new religion seems to be growing in numbers. In fact, earlier this week the Pittsburgh city planners approved the location where a huge rally will be held in celebration of Roethlisburgers defeat of death. The gathering will be held sometime next month at Heinz Field, and has tentatively been named..."One for the Dumb"

(AP) Associated Press 07.13.06

[BengalByTheBay]

**sniff**sniff**

Thank you HOF -- that was truly beautiful.

"Rack him"

[Ox]

[BengalByTheBay]

I think this is what my mom meant when she used to tell me that God looks after dumb animals. He actually looks better than before the accident.

[HairOnFire]

UPDATE: UGLY SIDE OF NEW RELIGION EXPOSED!!!!

Associated Press (AP)

Written By Paul Myfinger

BRISTOL, Conn. -- Pittsburgh city planners have withdrawn the required permits needed for the massive "One for the Dumb" rally that was to be held later this month at Heinz Field. According to city planner Peter Headly the unusual action was prompted by new information about the grass roots religion that has sprung up in the Pittsburgh area following Ben Roethlisbergers stirring defeat of death.

Headly claimed that he has seen dozens of written accounts of Pittsburgh teenagers deliberatly crashing their bicycles into parked cars. The incredibly stupid act, known locally as..."Shaking hands with Lombardi"...requires the rider to crash at the highest speed possible without wearing a helmet. In fact, true believers wear only shorts, a T-shirt, open sandals, and a very stupid look on their faces.

Two fatal accidents have resulted, as well as numerous head and neck injuries and some expensive property damage.

Headly claimed further that local teenage girls were also victimized on both fatal occasions. "If the crash manages to kill the flying disciple the nearest female teenager is then quickly abducted, labeled a Fleishman, and her hair is dyed blue or white. She is then subjected to whatever version of "Tom's Justice" that local custom will allow.

In one tragic example the teenage female victim was held down while her back hair was shaved off.

City planners were also said to be very disturbed by the behavior of local adults who have been drawn to the new religion. There are numerous reports of hundreds, if not thousands, of black and gold painted crosses being erected on front lawns. Drunken homeowners are then said to have climbed onto the crosses where they remain until they are able to publically urinate in ritual fashion.

Said observer Michael Palin, "First, they drink seven Iron City beers, because seven is the holy number. Eight would be one too many, and six would be one too few. Then they mount the cross and they stay there until they can pee blood...just like the Holy Drama Queen."

Shortly after ritual urination is completed the disciple shakes his drained member seven times, then climbs down from the cross and is given a large bowl of pudding to eat.

(AP) Associated Press 07.13.06

[BengalByTheBay]

UPDATE: UGLY SIDE OF NEW RELIGION EXPOSED!!!!

Said observer Michael Palin, "First, they drink seven Iron City beers, because seven is the holy number. Eight would be one too many, and six would be one too few.

(AP) Associated Press 07.13.06

.... 9 is right out!

[HairOnFire]

[Dadraftnick]

It like the reverse of Easter....

In Easter Jesus, being a heavenly being rose from the dead...

In this case, Ben gay, a creature from the bowls(and septic tank)of Hell rose from the injuried.

[MacD BengalFan]

HOF, me thinks you have too much time on your hands!!! They are both hystarical!!!

[H.B. Bengal]

That is brilliant HoF.

I have to keep checking the headline news every hour or so to make sure that jen is "still" the headliner and that he is "still" recovering from his battle with the dark lord.

jen is an embarassment to injured people.

Actual people are getting actually hurt, everyday.

They are the "true" heros.

Here's to you, "Mr. get hurt like a regular guy and not make up an alleged near death experience like a wuss guy"

[Stripes]

Awesome.

[HairOnFire]

Biggest Ben Still Spitting Up Blood. Stupidity Might Be Fatal.

Drama Queen Demands Your Sympathy.

(AP) Associated Press - Written By Paul Myfinger

PITTSBURGH - Ben Roethlisberger wants your sympathy, and he's not afraid to bleed for it. Roethlisberger, America's most decorated drama queen, has spent the last couple of days doing a whirlwind series of pity inducing interviews, and the latest one produced a bombshell.

"I still spit up blood from time to time. They can't tell me why."

The fair citizens of Pittsburgh recoiled from the news that the Biggest Ben is still suffering from a lack of attention.

A crying Janet Ohmsky asked the question that was on everyones lips, "Oh my gawd, is he gonna live? Who would start for the Stillers if he died? I can't believe this is happening to me. This is terrible. I just named my cat after him."

The doctors who are treating the Biggest Ben admit the situation is serious and needs to be constantly watched. "We've actually considered euthanasia to ease his suffering. Frankly, there's no valid medical reason for taking such a drastic step, but at this point we're all pretty tired."

The news of Roethlisbergers unexplained bleeding sent shockwaves through the grass roots religous movement that has spread across the Pittsburgh area.

In a show of support for their brain damaged hero local teenagers have been seen spitting red colored taco sauce and salsa from their mouth while others chant..."Would you like hot or mild sauce with your salvation?"

In more serious and disturbing news, three more fatalities were recorded by area police officers as suicidal Steeler fans continued the bizarre practice known as...Shaking Hands with Lombardi. Other observers have given the strange behavior a different name, Thinning the Herd.

In possibly related news, three Pittsburgh men, all wearing Steeler jerseys, were hospitalized after eating lawn clippings. Each man was said to have eaten several pounds of greenstuffs. Police officers investigated the matter but offered no explanation. "Sure, it could be connected to the Ben cult, or they could simply be a couple-o-fugtards. At this point we don't know very mulch."

Finally, a statue of Hines Ward was placed on the lawn of City Hall sometime during the night by person or persons unknown. The statue is said to be of very high quality and captures a remarkable likeness of the popular Steeler player. Made of fine Italian marble the statue stands over ten feet tall and is estimated to be more than 3 tons in weight. Amazingly, witnesses who saw the statue before it was hauled away this morning claimed to have seen the statue cry.

(AP) 07.14.06

[NJ29]

You're a funny dude.

[Dan2330]

Anyone see his lame interview with Jim Rome? Hey Jimbo, where were the tough questions like:

"Big Ben, hearing you did not have a license to ride a motorcycle, care to explain"

"Ben, let me ask you, whose fault was the accident"

Jim Rome is burning? not quite... Oh nevermind, just recalled this was on ESPN- enough said..

[HairOnFire]

BIGGEST BEN EATS SOLID FOOD! CITY REMAINS CALM

Associated Press (AP)

Written By Paul Myfinger

Pittsburgh, Penn. -- For the second morning in a row the citizens of Pittsburgh awoke to relative and calm and quiet as the actions of a grass roots religious cult appear to have switched to non-violence and exercise.

The Chief of Police has reported that there have been no further incidents of suicidal youths crashing their bicycles into parked cars, no young women were abducted and then released after their back hair was violently shaved or their hair dyed against their will. The sidewalks are clean of salsa and taco sauce, and front yards filled with black & gold crosses are empty.

In fact, the streets of Pittsburgh are almost empty.

"It's too quiet. Where did all of the stupid people go?" asked a woman riding on a bus for no reason.

The answer would shock her. Most of the cult members have gone for a walk.

A spirit walk.

Local brain doctor Brian R. Skeenik explained. "They've decided to imitate their hero by going on a month long journey of reflection. Racked by hunger and thirst they hope to be taken to a spiritual place where their most profound questions can be answered. For example, each of them needs to know why this event that they read about has happened to them, and many of them found out that crashing your bike into a parked car doesn't answer deep spiritual questions. So they've gone for a walk. And just like their fallen hero...they'll be back in 30 days."

Skeenik said that most Bennies, as the cult members are now being called, take only a few beers and one or two emergency sausages with them as they wander the hills.

"It's all about the suffering. They're trying to walk in the footsteps of the one true drama queen so that they can feel a little bit of what he felt. My advice for others who might stumble upon them is just ignore them. Most are harmless. However, be aware that many of them are confused, weakened by hunger, and some have been known to leap infront of moving cars. Try to miss them if you can."

But not all Bennies can be found wandering aimlessly in search of enlightenment.

"My brothers and sisters have lost their way. The Biggest Ben didn't wander around for a month after the divine accident. No, he hid in his basement for 30 days. And that's the holy point that many disciples are missing. The Ben has shown us that looking inward means hiding from others while we look endlessly into a mirror for lasting signs of damage. And then, if our spiritual scars have healed enough, you emerge like a bearded butterfly and go golfing."

In other news Ben Roethlisberger reported that his head wounds have healed enough for him to begin eating solid foods again. Roethlisberger claimed...."I'm almost normal."

(AP) Associated Press 07.17.06

[SteelCity1wsd]

It looks like we have a secret admirer of Ben's. I feel the love!!

[Stripes]

It looks like we have a secret admirer of Ben's. I feel the love!!

Your entire fanbase fits that description. Hence the humor of this thread.

[HairOnFire]

UPDATE: BIGGEST BEN A SOLID PASSER

Associated Press (AP)

Written By Paul Myfinger

(PITTSBURGH)

First it was solid food. Now it's solid stool.

Ben Roethlisberger's latest pity inducing interview included the news that the entire city of Pittsburgh has been waiting on.

Ben took a morning massive.

"The first thing I did was call my mom. Then I called my doctors. And now I'm telling the whole world. I'm so happy I could s**t."

The news wasn't unexpected as Roethlisberger has been eating solid food for several days now. But after examining the saved offering Roethlisberger's doctors considered it a very good medical development. "13 ounces, no blood, and it floated. We named it Franco, and will be listing it on E-bay very soon." said Dr. Tibor.

Dr. Tibor had one other nugget of positive medical news.

"Due to the injury Mr. Roethlisberger's eyes no longer track perfectly. They don't move in unison. I admit at first we feared this might be career threatening. Then we convinced ourselves that the injury might allow him to see around corners or something. In hindsight that seems pretty stupid. However, after running a battery of expensive and pity inducing tests we've found that due to the injury Mr. Roethlisberger can now see .0000674 seconds into the future."

Asked if this ability might be useful on the football field Roethlisberger expressed his doubts.

"It's not much of an advantage. When you get right down to it .0000674 seconds isn't much time. But it has been helpful. I now know when I'm about to spit up blood and I can scream or something so everyone sees it happening. Before, I just swallowed and nobody knew. This is better."

Doctors cautioned the public that just because he can eat and poop like normal people Roethlisberger isn't out of the woods yet.

"We should always do as future television broadcasters will almost certainly do, and as Mr. Roethlisberger himself does every chance he gets, and remind ourselves that Ben is constantly only seconds away from dying."

(AP) Associated Press 07.17.06