Help Bengals ownership break up with their girlfriends

[Stripes]

Listen, friends. We all know when a relationship has run its course. We've been there. It's hard. It's awkward. You want to hold on. What if you don't find another love? What if the one you leave behind finds someone better?

Anxiety is a part of life, but you have to move on.

The Bengals have to move on. And we can help them. Draft an email to break up with your chosen member of the organization and/or roster management. Remember that you cannot break up with a Brown or a Blackburn, however. Divorce will send you straight to Hell.

Quote

Dear Dukey Doo,

Good evening, sweet boo boo. I hope you are doing okay. I know today was hard. It was hard for me too. That's actually why I am writing this message tonight. Haven't we been having these problems for a long time now? Aren't you tired? I know I am, sweetie muffin. 2021 and 2022 were SO much fun. We were so naughty. :-* :-* :-*

But I think it's time to move on. Don't you? All of our friends know it. They don't even want to be around us anymore. We're too dysfunctional together. Every positive moment is followed by a new, horrible humiliation. I can't keep going on like this, shmoopie. I think I need to take a step back and, you know, really find myself. I have just been feeling so emotional, and everything is so complicated and so hard, and I don't know what the future will hold. But I think it will be better for us both if we are just friends. I am sorry if this is hard to read, poopie bear. :(

Still... Maybe your best days are still ahead! I know so many girls will be throwing themselves at you just like I did. XD

Please respond within five business days. I hope this email finds you well.

Kind regards,

Mike Brown and Katie Blackburn (both of us)

 

[ArmyBengal]

Dear Bengals,

I have been a faithful supporter since I can remember, going back to the early 1970's.
There have been good times, there have been bad times.
However, I have to respectfully move on.

IT'S NOT ME, IT'S YOU !!!

Mark