The Brew Man Posted August 9, 2004 Report Share Posted August 9, 2004 Not enough virgins in contract, says Kellen By Peter HaasSaturday, August 7th, 2004 CLEVELAND (sPERTS.net) –- Kellen Winslow Jr., the sixth overall pick in the 2004 NFL draft, says that the initial $40 million contract offered by the Cleveland Browns is lacking in one crucial area: virgins. Busty Polynesian virgins who will do “anything” are conspicuously absent in the contract, according to Winslow’s agent, Kevin Poston.“Kellen got spam e-mail about busty Polynesian virgins once, and frankly, he liked the sound of them. So they’re definitely a must-have,” said Poston.Virgins, although most important of all, are actually just one of many sticking points in the negotiations between Winslow and the Browns. Among the former Miami stand-out’s demands are snow from the summit of Everest, silks from the Orient, and whiskers from a white tiger. Browns officials have stated they have little problem with these particular demands, but a few others have caused them difficulties. One particularly troublesome stipulation has been Kellen’s request for a “hoverboard”, presumably like the one Michael J. Fox has in “Back to the Future: Part 2”. “Actually, that’s a typo,” Winslow said, laughing it off while being fed a grape by a concubine. “It’s supposed to be ‘hoverboards.’ I need a spare, just in case.”His father, Hall of Famer Kellen Winslow, says that it’s only fair that his son receives a contract commensurate with his “free-market value”. Generic Kellen Winslow Jr. equivalents are currently being sold in Japan at fifty million dollars apiece.“It’s about respect,” Winslow said. “Specifically, the sort of respect you gain from never having played in the NFL.” Winslow and his agent are quick to point out that he is not holding out simply out of greed, however. Many clauses Winslow wants inserted into the contract do not involve monetary compensation, but rather, appreciation for his abilities. To avoid the obvious homosexual jokes entailed by the position “tight end”, for example, he wants his position to be listed as “Designated Nastiness.” “If the Browns don’t want to give Kellen the sort of compensation he deserves, so be it,” said Poston, noting that the paint-mixing department at Home Depot has also expressed interest in Winslow.http://www.sperts.net/article.php?page=262 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HoosierCat Posted August 9, 2004 Report Share Posted August 9, 2004 THAT'S GREAT!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
IfItsBrownFlushItDown Posted August 9, 2004 Report Share Posted August 9, 2004 I love not being the target of the jokes anymore.That's some funny s**t right there! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kevnz Posted August 9, 2004 Report Share Posted August 9, 2004 That's just too damn funny....But I don't blame him, would you want to play for the Browns? Besides there ain't nothing wrong with Busty Polynesians....Trust me, I know Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Barbarian Posted August 10, 2004 Report Share Posted August 10, 2004 Well, you make the bed you lay in.I know--very cliche. However, I'm impressed by the tenacity of Clevelanders. It didn't take them long to start chucking verbal budweiser bottles at "Da f**king Soldier", did it??? If you're Kellen, you have to fire the Postons, or the consequences will be that Clevelanders will hate you.Good job, lil' Soldier. A whole entire city hates you now. But still:"I'm a f**king SOLDIER!!!" Too funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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