Jump to content

Steeler kicker forced to use 'Terrible Towel' after soiling hi


Recommended Posts

NEW ALEXANDRIA, Pa. - A bizarre incident this weekend involving Steeler kicker Jeff Reed's disorderly conduct charge over an empty towel dispenser in a convenience store's men's room here has become a little clearer with the release of additional details.

Reed, who entered the men's room of a Sheetz store around 3 a.m. Saturday morning, became enraged during his visit, bellowing profanity from within the restroom and during his removal from the premises. He also attacked the empty towel dispenser, punching it and delivering several devastating blows with his million-dollar foot-cannon.

Initially, many in this iconic small town, which is nestled along the Shenango river east of Pittsburgh, chalked up the incident to yet another steroids-fuelled outburst by a self-entitled sports diva.

"3 a.m., the public restroom at the New Alexandria Sheetz, an NFL kicker who looks like he passed out headfirst in a barrel of peroxide and an attack on a defenseless paper towel dispenser - I can't recall a more textbook case of ''roids rage'," said first responder Fern Teasel, a Pennsylvania State trooper.

While steroids surely helped fuel the tantrum, new details emerged during a tearful press conference today that may help explain why the world-champ kicker was so furious.

"We were cruising down Route 22 on my buddy's motorcycle and I had just finished like my 12th Grey Goose, Red Bull and Deca shooter - uh, it's a propietary mix my doctor prescribes to keep my legs limber during the offseason," Reed said. "I wasn't driving," he quickly added.

"Anyway, all of a sudden, nature called, and when I say she called, I mean she was using a bullhorn and talking number two - maybe even number three, if there's such a thing."

Reed said that he spotted the Sheetz store and asked the driver, whom he has refused to name but has described as "the second-youngest or maybe youngest ever quarterback to win a Superbowl - something like that," to pull over.

"I ran into the men's room, and everything just happened so quick. I didn't have time to notice they was out of everything - toilet paper, towels, everything," Reed said, beginning to break down.

After the kicker emptied his bowels in the general direction of the toilet, he says he got up to "light a match and get cleaned up."

But the restroom was devoid of all paper. "I didn't know what to do. I couldn't walk out like that, and I sure as heckfire wasn't going to use my hands. So I had no choice but to use the Terrible Towel I always carry with me.

Terrible Towels are yellow rags that resemble NFL penalty flags. Steeler fans enjoy waving them during games, obstructing the view of friend and foe alike, and often react emotionally and even violently to any perceived insult to the Towels. In Pittsburgh, they are fatuously believed to transcend marketing material and to be superior to the combined merchandise of every other team in all of combined sports.

"At first, I thought 'no big deal,' I mean they're kind of a nasty yellow color anyway, and the stuff that I was dealing with really didn't show up that much against it."

But the kicker says he then thought of all the "millions - maybe billions" of Steeler fans out there who "invest everything in those towels."

"Our towels are different than the fan stuff the other 31, 41 whatever teams have," said Reed. "The Pittsburgh Steeler Terrible Towels are the only authentic memorabilia in the league. Everyone else's stuff is just marketing gimmicks. Sometimes I forget that, because it's hard to tell the difference, but then I remember. And when I remembered this weekend in that men's room, I just lost it."

Reed says he respectfully folded and pocketed the heavily soiled towel and then began his attack on the dispenser. "If that dispenser had been full, like it should have been, this tragedy could have been avoided. I really feel like I was provoked."

State police and NFL officials both said no action would be taken over the kicker’s apparent use of steroids. “That would tarnish the accomplishments of the Steelers, and we can’t have that,” said Earnest Elf, a spokesperson with the local chapter of the Pennsylvania State Troopers.

Fetal Sneer, a spokesperson for NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell, agreed. “We can’t allow an ‘idiot kicker’ to scandalize this great team. That wouldn’t be good for the Steelers, and what’s not good for the Steelers is clearly not good for the league.”

Reed's disorderly conduct charge remains pending.

Source: www.wineandexcrement.com

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

  • Create New...