Nascar merger looms with WWE

[BengalszoneBilly]

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NASHVILLE, Tenn. – In a joint announcement late this week, representatives from World Wrestling Entertainment (WWE) and NASCAR have said they are combining their perspective “sports” into a new “megasport” whose combined ratings will easily crush less scripted and respectable sports like football and baseball in the ratings game.

The venture will put the likes of relative lightweights Jeff Gordon and Dale Earnhart, Jr., against wrestling superstars like Goldberg and The Rock in a large oval shaped wrestling ring.

“Every Southerners dream has been answered today,” said self-described lifetime NASCAR fan Billy Bob Masterson. “Now I don’t need to use that wand filled with devil magic to change channels – it’s all here on one screen.”

Wrestlers are anticipated to conduct several “high speed matches” on the tops of the stock cars as they race around the oval track at more than 180 mph.

The WWE said it will encourage weekly tag team matches where a wrestler is paired with a driver before the race. The pairs will zip about the oval with drivers using their stock cars like 2,000 lb. metal folding chairs of sorts while the wrestlers jockey for position using a series of car-to-car leaps and mid-air acrobatics.

NASCAR drivers will get to cut their teeth in the wrestling ring by calling out other drivers who they “trade paint” with on the track. Now, instead of ineffective “fist shaking” and macho posturing behind a sea of pit crew teammates, drivers will have the opportunity to “throw down” after a race.

“I am so going to do doughnuts all over your face,” said a typically mild-mannered and normally feminine Jeff Gordon to fellow racer Tony Stewart.

Stewart responded that “no neck brace or flame retardant suit in the world would save Gordon from the world of pain and hurt he was going to bring down on his house.”

The verbal threats eventually erupted into a small scuffle that was immediately broken up by WWE wrestler Chris Jericho.

“I had to stop it, man, it was just pitiful – it looked more fake than the crap I do everyday and they were really fighting!”

[Kirkendall]

This year's main event:

Tag team handicap match: Harvick vs. Biffle/Johnson/Nemecheck.

Undercard:

Spenser vs. Busch

Waltrip vs. Earnhardt

Rusty vs. guys younger than him