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Why Ric Flair Should Be President


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This is an actual article from Internet Broadcasting Systems...

This week as I watched yet another Evolution love-fest on "RAW," it occurred to me that Ric Flair should leave the ring before those saggy pecs get any worse and find himself another career.

Already, his voice is starting to crack a little at the tail end of his trademark "WOOO!," and the famous Flair strut is starting to look very similar to the gait of the old guy in the plaid pants in front of me in the cereal aisle, checking out the All-Bran while I try to snag the last box of Cap'n Crunch.

Now what could Flair do? Obviously his sales talents are without question. For years now, he's managed to sell us on the idea that a guy with the build of a bowler can actually be a viable force in a wrestling ring. He's managed to convince us that his hairline really has stayed where it is for all these years without intensive enhancement. And, recently, he's managed to convince us that he actually still gives a rip about what goes on in the ring, in spite of the fact that his years of work have left him with enough money to buy and sell the musclebound palookas that fill out the Evolution stable.

If the 2004 Presidential Election were held today, who would you vote for? George W. Bush Ric Flair John Kerry Ralph Nader And fashion sense! This man could teach the Queer Eye guys a thing or two. Gone are the days of the fur-trimmed robes and satiny trunks. The Flair of today is strictly a Haband man, with some snappy Bass loafers thrown in for good measure. His shirts, while still sporting overly generous '70s-style lapels, are well-cut and manage to camouflage his ever-decaying physique very well.

And, let's face it, the man can talk. I maintain that's the only reason he's still in the Evolution gang. Triple-H is nobody's orator, Randy Orton can't open his mouth without sniveling; and I'm not even really sure Batista is capable of shaping human words. Flair is the mouthpiece, the taunter and the "brains" of the bunch. If this were 25 years ago, Bobby Heenan (Bless The Brain!) would be filling the same role.

As far as ethics go ... well, nobody who's spent as many years as Flair has in the squared circle is going to have much trouble with any ethical dilemmas. When you've spent that many years engaging in high theater, "flexible" viewpoints are no great challenge.

So, ladies and gentlemen, given that the current slate of candidates is about as inspiring as a plate of toast, I humbly propose and offer ....

Ric Flair For President

Which wrestling figure would make the best president? Ric Flair Jesse Ventura The Rock John Cena Chris Jericho Jerry Lawler Eddie Guerrero Triple H Now that's rocking the vote, you MTV dweebs!

Cheap Pops

By the way, thanks for all the e-mails so far. Let's give a cheap pop to the top ten cities that have done their homework and sent the Professor a note:

Duluth, Minn.

Scottsbluff, Neb.

Roanoke, Va.

San Antonio, Texas.


Albuquerque, N.M.



Hudson, Wis.

Des Moines, Iowa.

(Note to San Antonio: if you can write a better column, bring it on!)

Until class meets again, keep hold of that tag rope!

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