Playoff Prediction

[Jet23]

Shamelessly plagiarized from cincysoftball.com. I do not agree with the Pittsburgh prediction by the way.

2005-06

Playoff Previews!

Washington at Tampa Bay:

Tampa Bay scores on its first drive thanks to Washington linebacker LaVar Arrington missing his assignments so badly he's actually flagged twice for pass interference on Jon Gruden. Joe Gibbs then pulls Arrington from the game and leaves him chained in the locker room shower alongside Patrick Ramsey.

With Arrington out of the way, Washington's defense takes over, forcing Chris Simms into multiple turnovers on the way to a 17-7 halftime lead. This causes Gruden to scrunch up his face.

Looking for a spark, Gruden pulls Simms for Major Applewhite and the Buccaneers immediately respond with a touchdown to pull within 17-14. This causes Gruden to scrunch up his face.

The Redskins don't allow Tampa Bay to get any closer, however, and hold on for a 24-17 victory. This causes Jon Gruden to scrunch up his face.

Jacksonville at New England:

Before the opening coin toss, Jacksonville's team captains tell their New England counterparts they mean no disrespect to the defending champs by showing up at Gillette Stadium to contest the game. Angered that the Jacksonville players dare speak to them, the Patriots explode in the first quarter and take a 17-3 lead into halftime.

Jaguars head coach Jack Del Rio has a trick up his sleeve, however, and rallies his squad with a halftime speech telling the tale of the great Tedy Bruschi. Inspired more than they knew they ever could be, the Jaguars quickly narrow the margin at the beginning of the third quarter to 17-13, and are driving for another score when Bruschi intercepts a pass and runs over all 11 Jaguars on the way to a touchdown and a 24-13 Patriots lead. He then returns to the sidelines, where he discovers a cure for AIDS and solves the problem of third-world debt during the ensuing kickoff, before returning to the field to make all three tackles as Jacksonville goes three-and-out on its next possession. Bruschi then returns the punt for a touchdown, actually levitating and flying over the amazed Jaguars players for 20 yards during one portion of the runback.

Inspired by this God-like display, the Jaguars forfeit the game, return to Florida and immediately found Jacksonville's first Church of Tedy Bruschi. New England 31, Jacksonville 13.

Carolina at New York Giants:

Eli Manning comes out with great accuracy (for him), going 2-for-7 on New York's opening drive with only a few near-interceptions. A Jay Feely field goal gives the Giants an early 3-0 lead.

The game seesaws back and forth as neither offense seems capable of taking control of the game. But a long fourth-quarter touchdown run by Tiki Barber gives the Giants a 13-10 lead, offsetting poor play down the stretch by Manning, who is too laid-back to care that his team is going to get knocked out of the playoffs because of him.

Trailing with just 20 seconds remaining in the game and faced with third-and-long on his own 18-yard line, Jake Delhomme drops back to pass, but has his uniform pants torn off by a blitzing Giants linebacker. Unsure what to do, he takes off running -- daring any defender to tackle him while he is fully exposed. None do, and Delhomme goes 82 yards for the winning score. Panthers 17, Giants 13.

Pittsburgh at Cincinnati:

The Bengals open the game rolling against Pittsburgh's inconsistent pass defense, scoring less than three minutes into the game on a 20-yard touchdown pass to Chad Johnson from Carson Palmer. Johnson immediately begins an elaborate 15-minute celebration routine, several Bengals leave the stadium entirely to record a new "Fear Da Tiger/Who Dey" video with Bootsy Collins, and the rest of the team takes turns dousing Marvin Lewis with Gatorade in celebration of the 7-0 first-quarter lead.

As all of this is going on, the Steelers build a 24-7 halftime lead.

Cincinnati's hopes of a comeback are dealt a major blow in the third quarter when a ferocious collision between Steelers safety Troy Polamalu and Bengals receiver T.J. Houshmandzadeh leaves their hair hopelessly knotted together, forcing both from the game.

Despite the loss of Houshmandzadeh, the Bengals pull as close as 31-26 early in the fourth quarter -- thanks in part to their run defense preventing the Steelers from eating up the clock by routinely giving up runs of more than 30 yards -- before falling by a final score of 38-26.

Unfortunately, the game's aftermath turns tragic when Chad Johnson, realizing playoff elimination means he'll no longer be the center of media attention, takes three television camera crews hostage.