Mike Brown's Shrink

[bengalskyspy]

The patient, Mike Brown, is 71 years old. He claims to have difficulty maintaining an erection during intercourse, except on Sundays when the Paul Brown Stadium is sold out. He suffers from delusions of competence and self-righteousness, which is fueled by the bitter feelings, even hatred, he harbors for his father, coaching legend and founder of the Bengals, Paul Brown. Mike felt that his father did not love him, based on the fact that he spent very little time at home, and when he did, he was a "critical bastard who didn't appreciate that I was QB of Harvard. Nobody laughs at Ryan Fitzpatrick do they. I could have done more if the SOB would have spent even a little bit of his "genius" on his only f%#king son. But he was so busy, and he was a legend and all, and everybody loved dad. I feel like it is the least I can do to honor his memory by keeping his name on the stadium I got the dumb-a$$ taxpayers of Hamilton County to not only pay for, but even guarantee attendance revenues. HE LAUGHS SOMEWHAT MANIACALLY, REVEALING DEEPER ISSUES. I CONTINUE TO PROBE.

Mike is haunted by recurring the nightmare of a 1st round draft pick spontaneously combusting right before his eyes. "They go up in flames, I feel the intense heat of the fire, and then out of the flames I see my father laughing, laughing, just like he did when I wet myself when he let me practice with the team as QB when I was 12 years old. He just kept laughing and saying, "what a p***y you are... why was I cursed with having all girls." I wake up and feel myself, you know down there, to check whether I have a p***y or a pen!$. And for a minute I'm not sure, but I usually fall back asleep by counting drunk fans in Bengals jerseys with $7 beers in their hands, each of them chanting "Who-Dey!" I feel better... I go back to sleep.

WHY DO YOU HATE YOUR FATHER?, I ASK.

"I don't hate my father, the legendary Paul Brown. What the hell is wrong with you. Are you one of those Obama-fied haters?"

DON'T YOU THINK THAT THE WAY YOU HAVE "MANAGED" THE TEAM SINCE YOUR FATHER DIED IS A SUB-CONSCIOUS PLOT TO UNDERMINE HIS LEGACY, PERHAPS THE ULTIMATE SLAP IN THE FACE. YOU KNOW, PUT HIS NAME ON THE STADIUM, REFUSE TO ACCEPT MILLIONS OF DOLLARS FOR NAMING RIGHTS, AND THEN PUT THE WORST EXCUSE OF A FOOTBALL TEAM ON THAT FIELD?

"You are one of those snarky bastards aren't you."

I REMINDED HIM THAT I WAS ON HIS SIDE, AFTER ALL I AM YOUR NEPHEW. WHO-DEY, WHO-DEY, WHO-DEY, I CHANTED... HE SEEMED TO CALM DOWN IMMEDIATELY.

"Ok, sorry, you are probably right... I did kind of hate the old man. Do you think my skin-flint and meddling ways are simply a sub-conscious rage against dear old dad?"

YES I DO, I REPLIED.

"So what should I do now?"

WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU SHOULD DO?

"Go@ Dam^ you. I am giving you free tickets and all the hot dogs you can eat, and that's the best you can do? Geesh! Well alright then, if you're going to make me say it.

SAY WHAT?

"Marvin is my love child. There you go you mother fu@&er. Marvin is my love child. Why do you think that arrogant SOB is always laughing at press conferences? He knows I can't fire him. Have you ever seen his mama. She could play DT better than Thornton. MMMmmm, you could get lost in those...

THAT'S ENOUGH ON THAT... IS THERE ANYTHING ELSE THAT COMES TO MIND?

Well I could admit that I really don't know anything about running a football team, and hire a GM, like those boys in Miami did. Is that what you're after you little prick?

PERHAPS.

F#@k you, and f#2k Paul "The F#@kin Football Genius" Brown too!!!! You know I am going to make a change. I'm going to take that naming deal.

WHAT'S THAT?

K-Y Jelly. Yeah... K-Y Jelly Paul Brown Stadium. Everyone that enters here gets a free tube so they can take one up the..........

WELL THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE FOR TODAY. I'LL SEE YOU NEXT WEEK?