Kazkal Posted April 17, 2009 Report Share Posted April 17, 2009 http://www.patriots.com/search/index.cfm?a...id=41&rss=1Bungles on Parole Parade!Kudos to the Cincinnati Bengals on making it into 3 of the last 4 Out-Takes! That's a .750 "winning" percentage! (In this case, the third time in no way constitutes a charm.)Recently, Marvin Lewis & Friends took another step toward completing their commemorative "Troubled NFL Vets" set, in signing defensive tackle Tank Johnson - of the "personal conduct, schmersonal conduct!" Johnsons. Suspended for eight games in 2007, Tank joins the ranks of these current, former and possible future Bengals who've run afoul of the law:FROSTEE RUCKER. Anyone can get busted for battery, but how many have the creative gusto to throw in a charge of vandalism? Really, Frostee? "Vandalism?" What were you, hangin' with a tough crowd, nothin' to do but bust up storefront windows, spray-paint a street sign? Oh, and by the way, could your name sound any MORE like the result of a spit-balled Hollywood pitch?INT. A HOLLYWOOD STUDIO BUNGALOW - DAYA TYPICAL SMARMY PRODUCER sits on the edge of his seat, hoping like heck to put the EXEC ACROSS THE ROOM on the edge of his. His eyes dance with possibility and dollar-signs...TYPICAL SMARMY PRODUCER: Think "Brian's Song" meets "Major League!" The main guy, see, he's a grizzled vet running back on his last legs, hoping to go out in a blaze of glory. We'll make an offer to Wesley Snipes, I know his people, one call and - hm? The name? Of the character? Oh, um...I dunno...Frostee. Frostee...Rucker. Bang, done! Frostee Rucker. Oh, and hey - we'll spell it with double-EE's! The 13-18 male demo LOVES double-EE's! Anyway...CHRIS HENRY. (Pardon the transition, name-wise, from Frostee Rucker to Chris Henry. I'll give you a sec to recalibrate.) You'd think a guy with two wholesome names like "Chris" and "Henry" would manage to keep himself on the straight-and-narrow, but not so much. In one 14-month span, the talented (and, apparently, busy) wideout was arrested FOUR times, resulting in his very own 8-game suspension in ‘07. So, hey, he's got that in common with his new teammate. Maybe "Hank" and Tank can form a Meet-Up or start a Facebook Group! Gotta "team-build" somehow!CEDRIC BENSON. Last year the former Longhorn, once touted to be "the next Ricky Williams," which I guess on some level he was (until Ricky got good again), came to the Bengals via the Bears, who'd cut him after he was charged with driving under the influence. Twice. In less than a month. Gotta hand it to Cedric (I mean, unless you feel like averaging more than 3.7 yards a pop), he really puts the "double" in double-whammy. You see, Benson was cited not just for a DWI, but also for a BWI (the rare and hilarious-as-long-as-no-one-gets-hurt, "BOATING While Intoxicated"). How this guy didn't wind up in Minnesota - those Vikes love their booze ‘n' boats! - is a mystery of almost Stonehengian degree.LEON HALL. The latest of the Cincinnati trouble-makers (I smell a name-change!) was charged during Easter week with a DUI. (Y-a-w-n.) Hall is widely regarded as a promising young corner, especially if by "promising" you mean "promising to continue the trend of making Mr. Nice Guy Marvin Lewis turn gray while simultaneously not sleeping at night and somehow managing to spin in his grave prior to what we can only assume will be his stress-induced premature death."There are, of course, others who fill out the set in Cincy. Secondary member MIKE DOSS, for instance, who gives new meaning to the phrase "fired up!" (Feel free to Google. We'll wait.) But I prefer not to dwell on the past, to instead look toward the future, so...WHO'S NEXT? (Besides noted dog-enthusiast MICHAEL-MIKE VICK, I mean.) My hope is that it'll be Henry's former college roommate PACMAN JONES. (I wonder if their dorm parties were more raucous than mine.) Honestly, given the track record of both Pacman AND the Bengals, he's gotta be lurking somewhere around the bend - and Pacman knows his bend, what with having gone ‘round it so many times. If the Bengals do add Jones to their Henrys & Johnsons & Bensons (oh my), all I can say is "Buyer Beware," "Gentlemen, start your engines" and "Ladies - don your visors. This one's a spitter." Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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