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Archaeological Dig Turns Up World’s First Known Bengals Joke

A team of archaeologists excavating an ancient government building in a northwest territory of Greece uncovered what is believed to be the world’s first-ever Cincinnati Bengals joke.

The wisecrack, dated to 547 B.C., was discovered on a scroll found Monday morning inside the grand room of the building. The joke refers to the ease in which Cyrus the Great, king of Persia at the time, conquered Medes, Lydia and Greek city-states in Asia Minor. “Cyrus went through them like he was running through the Bengals secondary,” reads a note scribbled in the margin of the scroll.

“The note was most likely written to make a colleague laugh during a particularly boring meeting,” said Dr. Edmund Atcheson, excavation manager. “Greeks of that time followed sports closely and were very lighthearted.”

The earliest previously known Bengals joke was a zinger made by a Roman soldier in 33 A.D. after the body of Jesus Christ was reported missing from his tomb after crucifixion. “Maybe he heard we was going to get drafted by the Bengals and took off,” the soldier is reported to have said.

Other Bengals jokes have been made during many significant times in world history, including the Crusades, Middle Ages, French Revolution and Holocaust. “Many top-ranking Nazi officials in Germany liked to joke that Hitler likely believed that Bengals owner Mike Brown was a Jew,” Atcheson said. “In bad taste? Perhaps. But it shows how far-reaching Bengals humor has always been.”

Atcheson said that the find is a significant one in the history of archaeology.

“Bengals humor has long brought people together, especially in tough times,” he said. “I’m humbled by the fact that we uncovered this treasure of comedy.”

Man, I wish some real news would happen. I'm so bored!

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Maybe, since the Bengals should be good this year, all those old Bengals jokes we've tried to laugh off in public, and cry ourselves to sleep with can be used on the Browns.

For instance:

Why doesn't Columbus have a professional football team?

Because then Cleveland would want one.

How can you tell when the Browns are going to run the ball?

The RB leaves the huddle crying.

What do you call a Cleveland Brown with a Super Bowl ring?

A thief.

Why was Romeo Crennel upset when somebody stole the Browns' playbook?

Because he hadn't finished coloring it.

What's the difference between the Cleveland Browns and a dollar bill?

You can still get four quarters out of a dollar.

How do you keep a Brown out of your backyard?

Put up a goal post.

How many Browns does it take to win a superbowl?

We may never know.

There, that feels much better. After 15 years, it's nice to get to laugh at someone else for a change.

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